Known sperm donor

[Anonymous992]

Hi, this is my first ever thread.
so I’m 30 and single and I have been considering having a child through sperm donation for about a year now.

I have gotten some information on prices from clinics but it’s so expensive I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to afford it.

I have a friend who has offered to be my sperm donor on terms that he will only be the donor and we will go our separate ways after I’m pregnant. He wants to give me the one thing I can’t have right now.

if I go through with it, when the child is older how do you explain this? As they won’t be able to get information on their biological father. I think I’d feel like a liar before I’ve even made this decision.

is anyone in this Situation or been in this?
any advice is welcome.
thanks. X

I strongly advise not using a sperm donor except through a clinic.
He may agree that you go your separate ways pre-conception but could change his mind later and take you to court for parental access.
There are other legal issues and also medical, even if you think you know him well and he is a good friend.

This is an extreme case (I hope) but clearly demonstrates some of the risks, both medical and legal.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10868359/Sperm-donor-incurable-condition-fathered-15-children-lesbian-mothers.html

Don't do it.

For a start you're only 30. You've got plenty of time to meet someone to have a family with.

Having a family alone is really really really hard work. If he's a friend now how is he going to 'disappear' once baby is here. You'll start to resent him.

How will he explain this to any future children he has.

If you do go down this route, only use a clinic. If you can't afford it now then you can start savings

Thanks for your replies, I have researched about known sperm donors etc and I know the risks.
he has his own family.
I haven’t decided anything yet anyway.

Twizbe- I know I’m only 30 and yes I have a lot of years left to try if I meet someone I do get that but also what if I don’t.
I know it would be very very hard alone but I have support from a great family and friends.

Well you don't need to do it now. I had my first baby at 32 and I've more than one friend who had their first at 40/41 (2 of those btw have been single mums from the get go)

It's great you have family and friends but don't rely on them being able to provide baby sitting or practical support.

Thanks, but I wasn’t asking for an opinion age or if I could cope that’s something I can decide myself.
I was just asking for some insight or someone’s experience of a known donor situation.

There is absolutely no way I would consider this. Use a clinic. It will cost around £1200 for a round of IUI. Plus maybe £500 for tests. If that is financially out of reach I would maybe wait a bit and improve your financial situation. Children cost money. Doing it alone is tough. I would not purposefully plunge my baby into a situation where I would potentially end up reliant on food banks.

Would you self inseminate or is your friend suggesting ‘natural conception’ as in straight, unprotected sex? You can read around this board and hear how this happened to other women with known donors though I think this is mostly via online Facebook groups and websites.

A friend of mine did this (the unprotected sex part) for the purposes of getting pregnant on a holiday fling and she has a son and is a single parent by choice. The father now lives in another country but fell in love with his son when he saw a photo of him and he has a sort of long distance relationship with his son. The son has several behavioural issues, not that this is necessarily related, but genealogical bewilderment can be a real issue for some children growing up and reading the experience on this board and books on the subject might help. Have you looked at We Are Donor Conceived, Anonymous Us or the Donor Conceived Network?

I think it’s possible that however much you want and love your child the child can grow up with a feeling of something/someone missing and a sense of loss. In your situation your child has half-siblings, do you have any thoughts on how you would handle that? Would you tell your child about them?

This article explains some of the issues around donor anonymity.

I assume OP will not be able to keep the donor anonymous as he is a friend.
However this puts them both at risk legally as in the eyes of the law he will be the father with all the rights and responsibilities of fatherhood.
That means that OP is at risk of him claiming parental rights/visitation which she may not want.
And he is at risk as OP could seek financial support.

It is a very unwise option for both of them.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/may/31/my-daughter-no-legal-right-to-know-father-anonymous-donor-law?CMP=ShareiOSAppp_Other&fbclid=IwAR1l8JBghu10yOmr2dMcNG0u7OIMl-VmUiULA1qECxM0GOhz1Lwc7ViRFMI&fs=e&s=cl

It's your choice, but it's obviously more problematic than using a clinic, for many reasons.

My biggest concern to be honest would be that he won't actually be out of your life after you are pregnant. He obviously cares for you a lot to want to do this for you. You are very likely to have contact in the future at some point, be it years down the line, once you have the child, and he may become interested. You will then have a sticky situation to explain to the child.

Have you thought about legal parental rights and who would be on the birth certificate?

You also have to think about the child - they have a right to know who their biological father is (whether not you use a clinic) once they are 18. They may then track your friend down themselves and he will come back onto the scene all those years later.

There are so many things to consider - for me, way too messy I'm afraid. You are only 30 - why not start saving for IUI with donor sperm at a clinic, and in the meantime you never know, you might meet someone anyway!

I did not use my ex-friend as a donor because it was awkward, it was going to bring confusing legal issues into the picture like him paying child support, which I know my ex-friend, he would eventually refuse or even worse run away from.
But I know this solo mum in Australia she used her friend's sperm, she seemed ok and baby was happy, I guess it depends on the friend, but good friends are very rare, so forget the friend-donor thing unless it is super professionally thought out like with a lawyer.

Hi, I'm 35 and I'm going to have IVF hopefully next month with known donor. I have to be honest, the known sperm donation process is painful in the UK, and it is a minimum 5 months process. My friend had to have:* *
>Sperm initial screening
>Donor screen blood test which the results took 1 month to come back due to the karyotype screening.
>Another blood test on the day of the donation.
>Donated sperm needs to be frozen/quarantined for minimum 3 months.
>Another blood test to release the sperm.
>Both of us also had to have counselling separately.

I had to make so many appointments for my donor, and he wasn't always available so my donation process took 8 months including quarantine.

If you are going to do it, make sure you choose a clinic who have extensive experience with known donation. My didn't and I was essentially their case study.