Donor egg conception

[Francesmalin]

Hello everyone,

After 3 IVF cycles it seems like that the only way for me to have a baby is through egg donation. It's really painful to accept I won't be have a biological baby and I am trying to think it I want one that won't have my genes but only mh partner ones.

For those who went through this process how did you understand this was the right path for you? How did you overcome the thoughts that the baby won't look like you etc?

I am currently 30 weeks pregnant with identical twins through a donor egg. I do have a daughter whom is genetically mine and I can honestly say I have the same connection to these twins as my daughter. The donor we chose is very similar to me to I don't think looks will be an issue. When my daughter was born she was the spit of my husband and she didn't look like me anyway!

I haven't got a strong need for genetics and I think what makes as child/parent bond is about nurture which started from the moment the embryo was transfered to me.

It is a personal choice but one I am so happy I took

Hey @Donimo thanks for coming back to me. How do you know that the donor is very similar to you? Is it a known donor?

Also did you use a UK based clinic?

Thank you

It was a UK clinic, we completed a questionnaire of our preferences in a donor. From age, height, bmi, eye colour, hair colour, complexion, ethnicity, education status etc. I also sent photos of myself and my current daughter. The donor organiser took all of this information to match to a donor who was similar. Once she had done this she sent the us these characteristics of the donor plus extra information about the donor which they had written in a personal statement.

Why don’t you think about adoption? I don’t understand bringing a baby boy biologically yours into the world when so many children already here need a home

@Sponge19 probably because they don’t want to adopt. Lots of people don’t want to adopt and that’s fine. So that’s why she is exploring donor routes 🙄

@Sponge19 because with adoption you miss out on the early years development, nurturing and bonding. Which all child development research states starts prior to birth and is incredibly important in the first years. I don't have anything against adoption and have family and friends who have adopted. Some of these children have struggle with attachment issues thpugh due to this lack of bonding in the early years. I wholeheartedly respect the people who adopt but I really wanted that bonding and nurturing from the start

I've been an egg donor and they match you up physically to someone you are similar in appearance to. Obviously you never meet that person though. This was 25 years ago, at The Cromwell in London

@Sponge19 have you had children naturally? You could have adopted also, being as there are so many children who need a home? Or is it just infertile people who should adopt?

@DenholmElliot1 instinct tells me she fires children out with ease. But is then hypercritical of people who use IVF, donors etc. Thinking they should go down the adoption route. But has no interest in adoption herself but thinks people with fertility issues should

A quick bit of research shows she is typically quite goady and rude. Odds on she won't return with her unhelpful and unrelated comments

@Donimo thanks for the explanation. This is helpful. I am a bit far from this journey and I am unable to make decisions just yet cause the sorrow and the grief I am going through don't make me think straight. My last IVF cycle was only 2 months ago and I am very hurt about everything that happened and the fact it's unlikely I will have my own generic child but I am thinking of other options. Such a hard journey this.

Ffs adoption isn't a cure for infertility, it's completely different

How so?

@Sponge19 you’re either thick or goody. I think it’s the latter.

Goody = goady

I have one child genetically related to me and one who isn’t. It doesn’t make any difference at all once the baby arrives.

I have had two children (2 and 1) by different donors. My eggs were failing and after 3 rounds of ivf with my own eggs with essentially zilch success we happily moved onto donor. I wanted to peruse all avenues to try and carry and deliver my own baby. I could not love my children any more if I tried. The biological link is not something I think about day to day. I feel passionately that an egg is just an egg. You grown that child, it takes on your dna. Your birth your baby. You are their mother. Please feel free to ask me any more questions. Please ignore unfeeling questions about adoption. You are allowed to have and to want anything you desire.

I don't think there is a correlation between donor conceived children and learning disabilities (my opinion not data led response) as this could happen to every child, even if they are biological. I do agree with the ethical side of the donor conception and it shouldnt be an option that is taken lightly. There is a lot more support, medically and psychologically, to make these decisions nowdays though

This thread leaves me deeply worried for anyone reading it who might be considering donor eggs. Do your own research. But scaremongering about an anecdotal story that didn’t happen to you personally, does nothing to help people who are struggling with their fertility. I personally am offended by some of the comments written on this thread.

@Musicalfan I agree that these false facts are inappropriate. And urge anyone looking onto donor eggs to get informed information. Also in the UK anyone going through donor egg treatments (either receiving or donating) has counselling to discuss the ethical considerations and can speak to the clinic about any risks etc.

In agreement with you @Donimo & @Musicalfan as I mentioned this is an all new world for me and I am trying to figure out and understand every aspect of it. From talking to you to doing counselling and personal researches. Apologies if you have felt offended by any of my answers, it wasn't my intention.

Make sure you seek out the opinions of donor conceived children, not just their parents. This isn't just a case of deciding whether genetics are important to you, you're also making that decision on behalf of any potential child as well.

In UK the situation is different recently compared to other countries especially if you use donor eggs from UK. It is non anonymous i.e. child gets to know their donor aged 18 which hopefully encourages a more open dialogue. The oldest children are probably 17. The DC network is very helpful. Good luck and hope it goes well.

Hi I just wanted to add to this website as many years ago this was my go to place for information to help with my own fertility journey. With 3 failed ICSI treatments as my husband had had a vasectomy along time ago and he tried a reversal but did not work we were eventually told that my eggs were not good enough either. We were recommended to go to Spain for a donor egg. We got pregnant first time and now have a daughter who is 11 years old. I did not ask for the donor to look like us as i didn't care and also did not want to narrow the search for a suitable donor. Although my daughter has dark brown hair and brown eyes (my husband and i are fair) she really is a mini me. Her traits and personality as are a mixture of us both. She knows she is a donor egg conception as we let her know through childrens books when she was very little and on occasion bring this up. We don't make a big thing of it but she knows. I'm sure in the future there will be questions to come and difficult conversations to be had but I do not have any regrets at all. I feel so lucky to have her. She is a very amazing person. I feel very thankful to the donor.

Not everyone is able to adopt. I can't due to my history with depression