I would love more than anything a child

[UsernameChange1990]

Hello, I would love a child more than anything. Currently I would need a Sperm Donor and I am very happy with that. I am 31 as I write this and will turn 32 later this year. I won’t talk about relationships here too much. I will however say I am worried about relationships and if they don’t work out. I don’t feel that I don’t necessarily need a relationship to be happy either. I am asking if anyone has advice for me or experience in using a Donor. It doesn’t need to be a Sperm Donor. It can be any experience or advice without having been through this too.
Thank you for reading this xx

@UsernameChange1990

My child born as a result of donor sperm, is currently happily playing in front of me after finishing school for the week!

I was slightly older and had known issues. Pursuing this was the best decision of my life.

We're very happy and every day I thank my lucky stars for this beautiful gift, even on the days it's tough. And I make sure my lo knows how much they were wanted and how loved they are every day!

Hello OP. I have two children as a single parent from a donor, best thing I did in my life.
My advice :

• save money ahead of time


• Make sure as much as possible that you have friends/family willing to help. If you can pay for childcare to have a few hours to yourself a week I'd do that - being a single parent is great but relentless.


• Do NOT enter an informal agreement with a known donor. They could have parental rights and you'd be stuck negotiating with them over the next 18 years. Obviously if co-parenting is something you're interested in then you should look into that, there are websites dedicated to that. But personally I wouldn't, it's all the inconvenients of having a partner without any of the advantages. And if you choose an informal donor agreement against my advice, then do at least make sure they've been tested for STDs.

Personally I feel that the right way to go about it is to go through a clinic, and I would use sperm from an open-ID donor so that the child may find out the man's details once they grow up. It's not about having a father, it's about knowing one's biological origins. It's important to many if not most donor-conceived children and I feel like it's their right to know.

For my children I have also put together a memory box, one for each, with keepsakes and mementos, baby handprints, photos, baby outfits, gift from friends and family to them, and all the donor information so that if I die suddenly they have access to everything. I keep adding stuff to it but less so as time goes by and they're more likely to remember things without needing the mementos.

I was 30 when I chose to do this so your age is not an issue I think. My kids are 3.5yo and 2yo.

Bear in mind that parenting alone is hard and relentless (though less so than being saddled with a useless twat for a partner). So prepare yourself for the fact that when you have a baby leaving the house becomes a military operation.

Also consider how many children you'd want as this might affect which donor you choose (if you want several kids from the same donor you might need a donor with a fair amount of available samples, and if you need to book them in advance so you're sure to have some left for siblings, you may need to pay a large chunk of money for that).

My kids are from the same donor, not just because he's the only donor I really liked, but also because if and when they want to meet him, I want them to be able to support each other regardless of what kind of person the donor turns out to be.

So yeah, lots of things to consider, but very much worth doing !

@ChoiceMummy When I have a child/children I will make sure they know how loved they are and how they were wanted for so long. I know I am meant to be a Mother. However that happens I will make it work. Right now being a Single Mother By Choice is what I think most about. I do have a partner currently but just don’t know how much longer that will be. We have different views on children. That is just one reason why I am looking into being a Mother by myself. I believe it can work for me and I would never want a child to come into a relationship with one parent feeling apprehensive. There are some things I have to go through before I make my decision fully but I would say my wish for children comes before a partner. I do feel guilty saying this as I know my partner does love me. He wishes me to be happy more than anything. I just don’t feel happy in the relationship anymore. Thank you for replying x
@Marty13 Yes, I completely agree. I haven’t chosen a clinic yet but I do feel strongly about having an ID Release Donor from a Sperm Bank. I haven’t completely chosen which Donor but I have found one I very much like. Having a known donor such as a friend would make everything too complicated for me and any children. I am going to make sure also that I would use the same one if in the future I would were to think about siblings for any children. I also believe this is important for the children as they will have a full connection to each other. They will know that they do have a full sibling in each other as well as having the possibility of many half siblings too. I’m not saying it isn’t good to use a different Donor for siblings. I’m also not saying I wouldn’t do it. It just wouldn’t be my first choice. Thank you for replying x

@ChoiceMummy @Marty13 Did you both find it difficult going through trying to conceive? I haven’t started IVF or IUI completely yet but feel so emotional without children. I wish to have them so much that it’s heartbreaking without. That’s putting it lightly. Did you go through this? I already feel like a Mother and not having children but wishing I did, is the worst thing I have been through x

The negative cycles were really hard as unlike doing it the traditional way, you're very aware of the finite financial resources that you have at your disposal. And because so much of your focus is on the cycle it can become all encompassing.

@ChoiceMummy Yes, that is something I do feel aware of. How many vials did you buy if you don’t mind me asking? I am researching IVF and IUI and comparing them with each other. I don’t have a preference with one over the other yet. I am not with a clinic right now but looking to find one I feel happy about using. Did you/do you have a preference with IVF and IUI?

@Marty13 May I ask how many vials you bought? Which worked best for you IVF or IUI? I will listen to the clinic and their advice of course when I find one I like. I’m just wondering which you chose. You don’t have to answer if you feel this question is too intrusive.

Initially I think that I bought 4 vials. This was for IUI.
I then bought a other 8 I believe before getting my bfp but I totally changed the approach.

I didn't find the cycles difficult but I was privileged to have success fairly quickly (second try unmedicated IUI for my eldest). I was also lucky to have enough money that I knew I could afford more cycles and IVF if needed so while I was keen to save money if possible, there wasn't a huge pressure for it to work on the first try.

my second took 4 cycles with a loss and the loss for me was much easier to deal with when I already had a child, and it was an early loss too of a most likely abnormal embryo.

Overall I was really fortunate but I know even if I wasn't I'd have no regret as I would know I'd done everything in my power to make it happen. That would be very important for me to know that before I could move on if it hadn't worked.

I used 2 vials for my eldest and 4 for my youngest. For my potential third child I reserved 6 vials. The donor is now sold out so if it doesn't work with those 6 vials I'll call it a day.

Unmedicated IUI was what I chose as despite lower success rates it's also cheaper and less invasive than IVF. In the end my two kids cost me 15k€ to conceive, so maybe not cheaper than IVF but I'm glad I went without the drugs and I'm glad part of the process was sort of natural.

But obviously this depends also on age and fertility. I was 30 with no known issue, if I'd been 39 or if I'd had PCOS or endo or whatever I'd have gone straight to IVF.

For my third and last the plan is to do unmedicated IUI only. If it doesn't work I'm fine with that and I'll focus on my eldest two.

Obviously you can't know how many vials you'll need in advance but I'd count based on probability. With IUI you have around 20% chance of success per month. 6 vials = 120% chances of success (yes, I know statistics don't actually work like that ! But I felt it was a reasonable basis to give me the best chance to have a child).
IVF has a 30-50% success rate (I think ?) so I'd plan 3 vials per desired child.

So yeah feel free to PM me if you have more questions, I'm happy to help, I just don't always monitor closely past threads !

@UsernameChange1990

Why are you already considering this when you currently have a partner and are still young? Why not look for a different partner? Are you in a position to be a single parent? Support, income etc - all the things that a couple would consider before starting a family. Have you thought beyond the baby stage - school runs and work? Are your family supportive? Is your health (physical and mental) good? IME these questions are even more important if you are planning to be a single parent.

@Sittininafield I haven’t been happy for a long time in this relationship. It is because of many factors that make me feel we aren’t right for each other going forward in our lives. One reason is when with him it’s as if I’m not there at all to him. I can’t carry on living my life like this. I’m unhappy being in a relationship. I don’t think he is completely happy either. I don’t want a partner anymore, either him or anyone else. I haven’t been putting myself or my happiness first. This is the path I feel is right for me. I won’t be having children until I am truly happy and ready. One thing I know is I definitely don’t want another partner for a long time. I’m not against that concept in the future. For a while at least, I’m not ready for another partner. No partner in my life has worked out well. I won’t be having children yet but I do feel that when I am ready, this is the right choice for me. Both women and men choose to be single/solo parents by choice at a younger age than me and older than I am too. I don’t see myself as young. Yes, I have thought beyond the baby stage and my family and friends are supportive. I am looking into being a single parent as that is what believe would be better for not only me but for a child of mine too.

@UsernameChange1990 once you go through the solo mum/donor route and eventually have your baby, you will forget about relationships, this is currently happening to me, I don't want any relationship, I am better off alone. Even if the most handsome man came to me, I would refuse a relationship, just love my own company, don't need a partner, I don't want marriage either, maybe that's just me?