Forced to use second choice of egg donor

[Apple04]

Waited months for a good match for DE to come up. Eventually our perfect donor appeared which we said we’d go with but due to an admin mix up they offered the donor to someone else instead who accepted it. We’ve now been offered another ok ish donor.

With all the disappointment we’ve had on our fertility journey we didn’t need this as well. Has anyone else used a donor that wasn’t their ideal or first choice? Am I over reacting? At the end of day a healthy baby is the outcome we want. If we get there are we really going to care we didn’t use our first choice donor?

Not the same I know, but we ended up using a second choice of sperm donor. Our daughter is beyond perfect! Honestly, like you say, what matters is a healthy baby and you will love them whatever (and you will think they are the best thing ever, whatever). I can’t imagine having a different child now!

We didn't get any choice. Honestly I couldn't have dreamt of a more wonderful child. You don't want to start categorising people into best and second best any more than you would a child. You'll have to accept your child exactly as they are, and you will. If you can't get past this I think you are possibly approaching it wrong.

Yes, you’re overreacting. I’m assuming there’s nothing actually wrong with the second donor, as otherwise they wouldn’t be donating? You’re in an incredibly lucky position of having a chance of having a child when you’re infertile. How do you think you’d feel if this child was born disabled or something? Would you resent and blame them because they weren’t your first choice?

@Shamoo @Alltheblue thanks for the reassurance, I know you are right and we won’t actually care. I’ve already started moving on from this. The donor we now have sounds absolutely lovely but was just not quite as good a match. I’m also very aware of what an amazing thing all these women are doing. I’m more annoyed at the clinic for giving us a profile that we couldn’t use. But we are happy with what we have now. Just want to get on with treatment. @Winniemarysarah of course we would never resent them. I’m sure you’ll remember from having been through this yourself how emotionally charged the whole process is and all the ups and downs you go through. Are you children quite old now? Was it egg or sperm donation you used?

Hi OP. I've a child through double donation. We didn't get many donors to choose from on the egg front. DS looks nothing like me but is the perfectest little person ever. Think about it perhaps as trying to create a body so your child can enter - this helped me. He is the person that he is, the carry case of the body is incidental - of course one still deals with the grief of not being able to make your own carry case... but this helped me a lot. Good luck. x

PS: Though it worked first time for us, I've had 3 subsequent failed transfers, so just know to be philosophical as it may not take first time. Donor conception network excellent for folks to talk to. I volunteer there.

Yes, you are over-reacting. I have moderated my actual reaction to this because I'm sure you have gone through hell in not being able to conceive and do you the courtesy of assuming that this has skewed your ordinary, thoughtful and grateful reactions.

More than one woman has gone or is offering to go through the by no means trivial process of egg harvesting in order to give you the chance of having a child that you could not otherwise have.

There's something very uncomfortable about the idea that you shop around for the DNA of your child in general but "choosing" is a weirdly unavoidable part of donor conception unless you close your eyes and point, so que sera. However, I'd urge you not to fall down the rabbit hole and start to think that you are somehow entitled to a particular egg that you have selected like a product off a shelf or assessing its quality like your future child is something you're purchasing in a capitalist transaction.

I'm not trying to be cruel as I know these things are emotionally complicated but please try to give your head a wobble and be grateful that some incredibly generous woman is offering you a way to make a baby rather than playing the part of the disgruntled "customer" who might not get the little human to the exact specification ordered!

I hope it all sounds a bit distasteful and silly when put like that - not to make you feel bad but to give you a bit of perspective.

I know this post is old but I felt like I had to react to @AwaitingJudy's post as I do not at all agree with it.

I had my children through sperm donation. The choice of donor was a lot less loaded emotionally for me as I knew the child would have a biological connection to me even if they looked nothing like me. Even so, it was really important to me to feel an emotional connection to the donor, and I also specifically chose a donor who looked like me because I wanted my child to look like me.

In this case, where the OP is going through the egg donor route, it is so understandable and human that she would want this emotional connection and physical ressemblance to the donor. She is not "shopping around" and she is not throwing a hissy fit because the donor has, say, a master's degree instead of a PhD or a less than perfect breast-to-waist ratio. She is, understandably, disappointed that the donor who seemed a perfect fit and who she was led to believe would be available for her, no longer is available.

I didn't see in her post a lack of appreciation for the donors. I think we all appreciate the amazing thing these women are doing. It is not ungrateful to acknowledge that donors can be a be a more or less good fit or not depending on who the recipient is.

The OP is now in the difficult position of having to either accept a donor who's not as good a fit for her family, or wait god knows how long in the hope that a better fit may become available. I think she needs understanding and compassion rather than a lecture about how she should just be gratiful to get anything at all. I'm sure she is already grateful and dismissing her disappointment is not helpful.

@Apple04 - for what it's worth, I don't think you're going to be disappointed with your child when they arrive. But it's an emotionally fraught process and it's normal to have doubts. You've probably already thought about this but either way you'll be the one carrying the child, nurturing it through its growth. It's going to be YOUR child regardless of who the donor is. In fact you may even come to be happy the other match didn't work out because your child will seem perfect just as they are. But if you feel you should wait for another match that is also a totally valid choice.

Whatever you decide I hope it works out for you.