Welfare of the child - anyone concerned or had issues?

[DareIHopeToBeMum]

Hi,
After a long journey considering single motherhood via sperm donation I'm at the stage of being signed up with a clinic, had fertility tests, and awaiting counselling session. (I say a long journey as I have been considering it for years as a "just in case I don't meet someone".)

Unfortunately I'm concerned about the welfare of the child form being an issue. I have an apparent history of mental health problems, from late teens; around the age of 19-21 is particularly bad. I say "apparent" as after much soul searching and sorting myself out I twigged I might be autistic (mildly, if there is such a thing... Or incredibly good at masking... But I don't feel I'm masking.) This was actually confirmed by NHS diagnosis aged 32. By that point I was a LOT more stable, largely due to giving up fighting for mental health treatment and finding my own way!

Unfortunately this does not automatically render previous (mis)diagnosis invalid - in order to get that taken off my records I'd need to be re-assessed by the mental health team, who won't see me because I'm not having mental health problems. The diagnosis on my records is BPD (borderline personality disorder). Which for anyone who knows about it, is a heavily stigmatised diagnosis.

Its quite common for women to be misdiagnosed in this way, and there's a load of sexist rubbish around the diagnosis, and how it's given, especially back in the mid 00s. I always thought it didn't fit me as I rushed to find self-help materials and support groups and it just didn't seem like what I was struggling with. For example one trait is impulsivity - I'm the least impulsive person you can imagine! I'm organised and plan and consider things. At the time of diagnosis I was still a teenager, living in a shared house where another tenant was a violent and unstable man who threatened me; the police wouldn't do anything as he was mentally ill so they said they couldn't (I didn't know at the time this isn't true). This is just one aspect of the context of this time; I was young and dealing with a lot. I'm proud of myself for making it this far so well, people are shocked when they fine out how my early adult life was.

Anyway. My GP knows me quite well and is respectful and understands things, without prejudice. She referred me to the fertility clinic. I was hoping she'd be able to provide info for the welfare of the child form

Oops, posted too soon!

...I was hoping my GP could provide info as she's best placed to do it. But I've just found out that she's on leave until at least July next year.

So whoever provides the info for the clinic is just going to be going by my notes and an appointment with me. I'm hoping the nurse practitioner is allowed to do this, as the other GPs are male and a bit sexist, one is obviously religious so would have reasons to want to stop me doing this, another has been so rude to me in the past that the receptionist who witnessed it recommended I make a complaint!

Sorry for the essay, I'm just trying to provide some context.
I guess I'm hoping someone might understand the fear and frustration at all this, especially the way a broken mental health system (and society) can hurt people. I thought I'd survived all that, and now it comes back to haunt me.

Any advice or understanding appreciated.

If it helps I'm a Solo Mum to be (due in March at age 40 after 3 years of IVF) and was slightly nervous about the Welfare of the Child forms too as I've been diagnosed with OCD, depression and anxiety and am on anti-depressants, but I had no problems. I suspect as long as you have been stable with your mental health for a while and your medical records reflect this, then everything should be okay (I had counselling for years in the past and am now equipped to manage my symptoms with low dose anti depressant help).

I think they are most concerned about any potential for violence on your part/or possibility of neglect to a child so if you have no history of this then I'd try not to worry. I suspect lots of potential parents suffer from some form of health problems (mental or physical but often "minor", or in their past or from some specific incident) but it doesn't effect their parenting ability!

Anyway I was just honest on the forms and never heard of any problem from my clinic - I'm not even sure who at my GP practice they contacted about me/my records as I usually seem to get assigned to see a different doctor each appointment I ever have .

Thanks for the reply

I guess I have been stable mentally for years now, with the exception of a bit during the lockdowns, as a direct result of the isolation and separation from people (I live alone). I have mum friends and we often meet with their kids so in normal life, even with a newborn, I wouldn't be separated like that! But I'm worried that will count against me even though it was extreme circumstances. (I did work out every day, walk outside, do the garden, eat healthily, carried on working from home... so on another level I'm very homebody type and able to press on!)

I don't have a history of violence or anything, but I don't know what it says in my medical records. There was an incident when I was a teen where I was begging a GP for help with my mental health and she was just so cold and said "if you don't leave I'll press the panic button" and did and all these people came rushing in. I'm scared that has been recorded as a violent incident, for example.
I had a hell of a time with services, they were very cold and punitive towards me, viewing attempts to get help as "attention seeking" and I only started getting better by giving up on them entirely. I realised one day that it was like an abusive relationship where the other person is never going to treat you right, so you need to walk away. But I can't really express that to anyone or explain what it was like without sounding like a nutter (even though I now have a psych degree and have read around this subject and know I'm not alone or necessarily wrong in my criticisms of services and their relation to wider society!)

Argh. Its all so worrying. I don't want the people who harmed me so to have any control over my life any more, but they might do with this.

It does sound from your experience that more of the decision is made with those at the clinic rather than another professional having the final say, so that's encouraging.

I would tell nurse/GP that your autism diagnosis has replaced your BPD diagnosis as it is very common for autism to be mistaken for BPD especially in teenager/very young women. I was similarly misdiagnosed with BPD before they then realised I’m actually schizophrenic. If anyone medical asks, I just say, that was an early misdiagnosis, after more assessments and tests, my condition is actually schizophrenia.

On side note, it’s lovely you are worrying about the welfare of your future children. I did the same. I don’t think you need to worry much really because autism is not a mental illness, it is neuro-diversity. And now you know this about yourself, you don’t have the anxiety and feelings of “what the fuck is wrong with me”... you know there is nothing wrong, you are simply neuro-diverse and so approach the world in a different and yet perfectly acceptable way. So you are perfectly sane and fit to be a mother imho. I have two DC with autism and I would not hesitate to encourage them to be parents if they wanted to be.

Thanks PlanDeRaccordement.

@DareIHopeToBeMum , I really doubt one small incident with the GP a long time ago (even if it was recorded, which you don't know) would effect anything - they know people can get upset at the GP's all the time and it sounds like there was no actual physical violence.

I agree accessing mental health services is a complete nightmare, but hopefully many people are starting to realise this now and will be understanding with your situation. I happened to eventually get a good psychologist but I was on the waiting list for years first (had to drop out of Uni), and saw an awful psychologist who made my symptoms worse before I got a decent one.

It's great the you have a formal Autism diagnosis, as again I think many people (including some medical professionals) are starting to understand how Autism can often be misdiagnosed as other mental illnesses, particularly for women and younger people who are just about socially adept enough to try to "mask" their behaviours around others.

I don't know for sure who has the final say about the welfare of the child forms (I would guess is it the clinic under HEFA guidelines) - but based on what you have said here I don't think you will have any problems.

IamnotwhouthinkIam
I really doubt one small incident with the GP a long time ago (even if it was recorded, which you don't know) would effect anything - they know people can get upset at the GP's all the time and it sounds like there was no actual physical violence.

You'd think, but I don't know what they've written about me. The GP was so cruel. I was just sat there crying begging her to help me. Someone else had made the appointment and taken me there (they insisted, I knew by then it was futile). And yet she was just cold and saying she couldn't do anything and would press the panic button if I didn't leave. I was struck off the GP list as a result and spent some time with no GP. I found out later, I can't remember how, that it was recorded as me having to be restrained. It was too late to question it (obviously I had a witness that that was a lie). I cannot explain how hostile the services were towards me about anything mental health related. It was just such an awful, awful time and of course I was totally naive that people in caring professions could be cruel and unfairly wield power like that. The whole thing seemed to be to view me as a disturbed and dangerous person and join forces to shut me out of all services. I just had no idea what was going on or why they were all so cold to me (I was 19/20), I thought it was like one of those medical scandals the Mail used to report, I'd never had an issue with doctors before. Actually I suppose it IS like one of those scandals, but no one cared.
Knowing what I later learned about the stigma around PD diagnoses I can understand what was happening (I still think it was totally wrong though, and never ok to lie like that) in the context of society and how people can behave, but at the time it was so, so shocking and confusing. You read things like about the girls in care in Rotherham being abused and so badly let down by services that should protect them, and people are shocked, but I KNOW how it happened, I know how some people, especially young females, can be treated like they just don't matter and people who should care behaving in inhumane ways.

There were other things too, for example I was homeless for a bit and the council were quite helpful until they spoke to services to confirm I had mental health issues (which means counting as "priority need" and not being left on the streets) and whatever they said made the council wash their hands of me (fortunately kick ass local homeless charity intervened).

I somehow got it together with relative stability and ended up moving to a different area in my mid 20s. Had another breakdown and found services unhelpful but as you say, more of a nightmare to access than the awfulness that had gone before.

Eventually I was in a position to pay for some private therapy, late 20s/30 ish. A lot of it to deal with what had happened with services. I read a lot and found out from a academic POV what had happened (and got a psych degree). I barely think about it any more but this has really raked it up. I'm 36 now.

Obviously I can't tell them any of this as it make me look like I'm lying. I don't blame them, I wouldn't believe it either if I'd not been through it.

@DareIHopeToBeMum - I'm so sorry about what you've been through . I really hope this all works out for you now. I think under HEFA/government guidelines clinics wouldn't be allowed to discriminate based on "disability" (I understand many Autistic people do not view being on the spectrum as being disabled, but I think legally it comes under this), so I suspect now your formal Autism diagnosis would trump any "mental health" related incidents that are long past.

But I'm not even sure how thoroughly they go through your background/records - the child welfare forms may well even just be a form of "box checking" for the HEFA/ to legally cover their backs as it were. For example one thing I remember the from the forms is they (understandably!) ask if you have any past criminal offences involving children - which would obviously be the major red flag, so it may well be you are worrying over nothing (although I understand your concerns, as obviously with my OCD diagnosis I was worried too).

Really good luck with it all, solo motherhood and fertility treatment isn't the easiest journey and I hope you have some RL support too

Sorry, I want to say as well that I believe you and I think you might be surprised at how many people would . It's appalling the way people with mental health difficulties or that are not NT can be treated, especially if they are from a deprived background or don't have people to advocate for them. It wonderful what you have managed to achieve despite what's happened. I hope your determination further pays off and you get what you want.

You sound very open and insightful about your struggles OP, qualities you will need in buckloads raising a child.

I would be entirely honest in the form, making sure you include what you have told us here about sorting out your housing situation, seeking therapy, getting a diagnosis, doing your degree etc. In some senses you're a less 'risky' intended parent than an intended parent who has never experienced adversity or had their resilience tested.

Best of luck.

*bucket loads

I’ve read your update OP and my god have you had a tough time of it. You’ve struggled so much to get to a good place now. I would not let the past dictate your future. You have the kind of determination and persistence that makes a good mother who can fight for her children. I wish you the best.

Thank you for the replies. I appreciate the encouragement so much. Just have to wait and see how it goes I guess...

@DareIHopeToBeMum I can completely believe all of this unfortunately.
I think you're tying yourself up in knots unnecessarily. This is all so long ago. You have a recent, correct diagnosis. And if any questions did come up about your health so far in the past you're more than capable of setting the record straight, as you've done here.
I think it's all going to be absolutely fine. Best of luck

Well, I managed to get something reasonable from a different doctor who did listen and appear to understand my concerns.
About to have my counselling session with the clinic... eek!

That's great OP! The mandatory counselling session is very focused on your potential child (or at least is was for me) - it's not like a typical psychological counselling session where you talk about your past or things you want to change about yourself/progress in the future etc, so it's nothing to worry about imo.

It's just the counsellors job to check potential parents have thought things through properly in their particular circumstances - so for a single woman she might mention have you thought how you might refer/explain doing this as a single woman to family/friends and how comfortable are you with that, or have you considered the difference having a child might make on things like being able to date/look for a partner, or considered the possible extra childcare or financial issues etc when single. They basically just want to check you have thought about the obvious things.

She will also want to make sure all potential parents are aware/make sure they understand (that if they are using donor gametes at a clinic in this country) that they have considered the childs right to apply to the HEFA to contact the donor or any donor siblings in future and how they as parents would feel about that. And also make sure they know the psychological importance of telling the child/honesty about being donor conceived from the beginning (obviously likely less of an issue for single women and lesbian couples as it can't easily be hidden, but can be more of an difficulty for het ones so I think they will mention it as standard).

Hope that's some reassurance.

Thanks!
It seemed to go well. They didn't bring up anything I'd not considered yet.
I can't quite believe it! I was so worried.

Hi ive been reading your thread 9ve been going through fertility for many years operations covid more operations anyway my gp was asked to fill in the welfare of the child form and see was so non biased im so worried I have peripheral neuropathy in my legs and feet in which she said she is worried due to my chronic pain this neuropathy was a result of having b12 deficiency and a reading so low evwm te phlabotomist was shocked by my level of b12 caused by chronic low appetite giving the ivf clinic that should any treatment be successful that i wouldnt be able to provide the baby with thw nutrients that is needed for bsby. In a separate paragraph she noted nirtos oxide abuse in 2022 in which i remember having a call with her and told her that few weeks propr to going to my gp a i was birthing partner woth one best friend and before she had baby she had braxton hicks and when i was waiting around wandering i came across a room and there was gas and air and as any women who is going through fertility and your always rhe birthing partner never the birthee truthfully i didnt want to be there but also couldnt let my best friend down so during that bifgh i spent a good two hours in the sie rooom suckjng on gas and air unaware that nirtos oxide depletes b12 then no more than 2 weeks letter my other best friend rang me saying her husband was told to leave so i was birthing partner once again and once again i was in the side room on the gas and air that is the reason my b12 was depleted yet wnen i had a phone consultation with my gp she well if you choose to not in a field like a hippy getting sucking balloons that is my fault i was shocked like wtf u asked ber when have i ever said to you about me using those balloons that teenagers are obsessed with im 35 she said 'oh i do apologise im getting you confused with another patient which worried me sjes a medical professional and patient confusion to me is probably one of the worst for of medical negligence so which one caused my neuropathy my gas and air abuse or my chronic low appetite?she stated that she is worried about the level of support I may need. That part I am not worried about as i have 7 siblings and im an aunty to 21 with 8 of them being adults and my husband have got a large family network. She said that alcohol abuse noted In 2019 which im fuming about never had a issue with alcohol and she also said suspected alcohol abuse in 2024 which is absolutely disgusting as a medical professional she knows the symptoms I have with nerve damage in your feet it makes you off balance as you can't feel feet so I am like a drunken sailor often stumble to the side and the medication prescribed for my illness pregablin 300mg twice a day makes you sound slurry yet this doctor put it down as suspected alcohol abuse I find it disgusting how dare she write a suspicion when they wants facts and if she was concerned e3hy was i never ever offered any help with my "alcohol abuse' she is so vindictive ive been married to my husband for 7 years but together for 15 my husband was addicted to heroin in which he was 4 years clean when I met him and he isn't the typical addict that springs to mind he is an amazing person who has so much love to give he is selfless and will do all he can for anyone. The gp said gareth did have a drug problem in which he conquered and has been clean for at least 3 years!!!!!! It's been 19 years and this gp was the doctor who dealt with him when coming clean what she did by saying this is that yes correct at least 3.but it's also at.least 5.9.10.15 or the actual time 19 years but saying at least 3 years instantly makes the reader think well 3 years ago he must have relapsed im.hopong the clinic requests a new form filled in by another gp she left the form filled out but didnt sign it another gp did and sent.it back whilst my gp retired also asking if a mental assessment to be carried out on me something about the baby her hand writing was so unreadable I had great difficulty deciphering her writing. The clinic have received it and im still having appointments but im so scared im waiting for them to cancel treatment im on pins. Would they still carry on doing the screening even if they are going to.cancel treatment as it would be so much less inhumane if the just tell me what's going on rather than put us through the std and blood testing and carbon machine? Sorry about the essay. I've got an appointment with clinic tomorrow morning praying for positivity this yearning in my solar plex an my heart is throbbing anyone going through fertility treatment knows how it feels.i can't.put it into words. I really hope to.god that you are now a parent.
All the best
Natalie x