Experiences of heterosexual couples using sperm or egg donation?

[mabelelsie]

Hello,
My husband and I are pregnant with donor sperm due to a range of male infertility factors diagnosed in 2019. We spent all of COVID thinking about it and fell pregnant at the start of this year.
We have been excited and looking forward to becoming parents up until now, now my anxiety about the future is through the roof and it’s all I think about.

How did friends and family take the news?
Did you are your partner bond with the baby?
Do you think often of the donor aspect?

Thank you!

Anyone?

@mabelelsie we used an egg donor for our 2nd child. My first born was naturally conceived, followed by lots of pregnancy losses and then early menopause. My children are now 9 and 4.

The way I feel about our 2nd child is in no way any different to our first. I seriously never consciously think about him have been conceived with the help of an egg donor. The only time I ever think about it is when I talk to him about it as we are been very open with him about his origins. And as most 2/3 and now 4 year olds he doesn't bat an eyelid, it's all perfectly normal for him.

As for friends and family, I have had no issues at all. I have only shared with family and close friends, so not everyone I know is aware. It's a very personal choice who you share with. Everyone respects our choice to follow this path even if they themselves would not have chosen it.

There are little differences that have occurred that did make me wonder if these differences are due to my 2nd born been donor conceived, for example it took me longer to form that unshakable bond that I had straight away with my 1st. But when I really think about it, many people have multiple kids and rarely experience the same joinery with each. Other aspects that probably contributed to this were my 2nd born was born premature, was in SCBU, developed awful colic and then a dairy allergy so in a nutshell he was a much more challenging experience than my very straight forward 1st born, came on time with zero issues. Etc anyway my point is that at times you may wonder if you or your partner feel this way as the baby was donor conceived, but there are so many other variables that will influence your feelings, so do bear that in mind.

Have you joined the donor conception network?

I haven't done this myself but have close friends who have done so (both the egg and sperm were donated).

As far as I know, friends and family were fine with news - we were aware of the couple's infertility struggles so this seemed a natural step. I don't think bonding was a problem at all.

I couldn't tell you how often they think about it, but as a friend I have found it surprising how often it comes to mind. It's amazing how frequently random people (who don't know the background) say things that imply genetic inheritance (eg baby looks just like you, does he get his height from your DH's side of the family etc etc). I hope this doesn't bother my friend.

My grand daughter is a result of donor sperm, my son has male factor infertility. She is loved equally in our family.
The donor’s sperm was a success not just for them but others as well AND the little ones are in touch! The wonders of social media. They had a cute name for each other (not step or half sorry but it was adorable) they exchange gifts and cards.

@OrangeTortoise

I haven't done this myself but have close friends who have done so (both the egg and sperm were donated).

As far as I know, friends and family were fine with news - we were aware of the couple's infertility struggles so this seemed a natural step. I don't think bonding was a problem at all.

I couldn't tell you how often they think about it, but as a friend I have found it surprising how often it comes to mind. It's amazing how frequently random people (who don't know the background) say things that imply genetic inheritance (eg baby looks just like you, does he get his height from your DH's side of the family etc etc). I hope this doesn't bother my friend.

Yes this happens to me occasionally. My first born looks more like me, but not a carbon copy like some children are of a parent! My 2nd, people do say, I can't figure out who he looks like etc. This is say mums at school pick up etc. Tbh it really does not bother me in the slightest. I just shrug it off, yeah it's hard to tell isn't it. I remember I know plenty of genetically related kids who look nothing like either parent, so not really that unusual.

However I do recall been pregnant with my 2nd and hoping he would look like my DH for this reason. But it's not occurred to me once to think along those lines since he was born.

Thank you @phantomgirl22 what a lovely story and sounds like you have 2x lovely children. My biggest fear is other people’s judgment and lack of bonding so you’ve made me feel better.

Thank you @OrangeTortoise lovely to hear a friends perspective. Have your friends being open with everyone? I do have a slight fear that people won’t stop thinking about the donor aspect.

Lovely to hear from a Grandma @fallfallfall how lucky your son and grandchild are to have you. Have you struggled at all with it or has it just become normal. It sounds a very healthy family dynamic.

@mabelelsie

Thank you *@phantomgirl22* what a lovely story and sounds like you have 2x lovely children. My biggest fear is other people’s judgment and lack of bonding so you’ve made me feel better.

Thank you @OrangeTortoise lovely to hear a friends perspective. Have your friends being open with everyone? I do have a slight fear that people won’t stop thinking about the donor aspect.

Lovely to hear from a Grandma @fallfallfall how lucky your son and grandchild are to have you. Have you struggled at all with it or has it just become normal. It sounds a very healthy family dynamic.

I think the only judgement that I hear of but have not experienced, is more of receiving fertility treatment. There are those out there that think there are too many unwanted children in the world so adoption before fertility treatment. So that's not so much about donor conception. But I imagine it could become more heated with donor conception. But like I say I have not experienced this myself.

The other aspect of judgment comes from within the donor community and broadly divided into 2 camps, those who tell their child that they are donor conceived and those that don't tel them. That is a hugely contentious issue within the world of donor conception. I stay out of it!

You know your family and friends well, are there particularly people you are concerned about?

I would really recommend joining donor conception network, it has a great forum, and had books about things such as telling family and friends. When you join they match you with a mentor who has a similar situation to you, they are there for support and answer any questions you may have. Worth looking into.

@mabelelsie i had a hard time believing he was infertile (zero sperm;azoospermia as no other family hx of any fertility concerns) so my first reactions were dismissive and even then i questioned the diagnosis and wondered if he had had all the appropriate testing. he had a few biopsies and declined the pituitary biopsy but did have the mri.
he is my oldest and at that time no other grandchildren so i did grieve and came up with some strange offers (dad or brother's sperm etc) but that went over like a lead balloon.
my dh didn't go through any of this, didn't seem bothered by it.
we were helpful during the treatments (they live extremely remotely) and stayed at ours to attend the fertility clinic (two hours from here, my daughter in law preferred the blood lab here).
my d-i-l did go a bit "off" during the pregnancy and first couple of months but has come around.
the little girl looks the splitting image of her mom/grandmom/aunt and second cousins x3 obviously strong family genetics.
we recently visited and on several occasions it was mentioned despite us NOT bringing it up specifically; comments about her being tall "oddly enough all the children are tall" (son's comment), when i sat to play a board game with her "this is my far away brother's favorite game" (grand daughters comment) followed by the info about them sharing a social media account by d-i-l.
they seem very happy which as a mom makes me happy.
family wise: my daughter feared being infertile and got pregnant by the first man to appear suitable (she claimed she feared being infertile since her brother was). my youngest refused to be tested or provide for his brother claimed it was "too weird" and said that he would feel emasculated, should he be infertile (younger brother...) BUT my son did have two cousins who were willing to help out should need be.
the donor they chose was so successful all his samples were pulled and he can not donate more. they went through a north american data base for canada and the usa.

Yes, my friends have been fairly open about it - obviously not every Tom Dick and Harry knows, but many people do, it's not a big secret. I think that's a good thing.

@phantomgirl22 I didn't realise this was such a contentious issue! Surely you should tell them?!

[quote OrangeTortoise]@phantomgirl22 I didn't realise this was such a contentious issue! Surely you should tell them?![/quote]
Well yes and the people who do choose to tell react like you to this. Personally I think it's wrong. When I was researching using a donor I found a site that is for diner conceived children, well teens abs adults. There was a document with 100's of statements from donor conceived people where they had to say one thing to someone who was considering this. Pretty much all of them said be honest, be open. Do it but be honest.

You would be amazed at how many people don't. I would actually estimate is at least 50% of people possibly more. On a fertility forum there is a separate section for those "not telling" you can only post there by signing a disclaimer of sorts that states your intentions. Without that no one can access it. It's because it's so hotly contentious that they want an area to support those who are not telling.

Many people go to Europe, often Spain, Greece, or the Czech Republic where the laws on anonymity are different. Basically there you know only the age of the donor, maybe hair and eye colour, nothing else. When they have had a successful pregnancy they basically destroy any evidence of this, all payments, documentation from clinics and when back in the UK they do not disclose their fertility treatment with the maternity services or their GP. It's basically wiped out.

A lot of people go overseas as here in the UK anonymity is not allowed. So when you are going through fertility treatment your donor is not known, but when children are 18 they have the legal right to trace their donor and donor siblings too. There is a big legal and ethical stance here where all data is logged and children on turning 18 just go to the organisation that holds their data and they are given full details. Many people do not like this.

For us we used an agency that recruits egg donors and it's stance is that they don't get paid anything other than expenses because they want people to donate Altruistically. They want people do be very open and receptive to potential off spring approaching then when 18. This was important to me, if my child wants to find and meet his donor and form a relationship with her then I want that to be as easy as possible and I wanted her to be receptive to this. I know an awful lot about her, her occupation, her family situation, her like and dislikes, and have photos of her as a baby and toddler. We bought her a gift from me and my DH and one from my first born and gave it via the clinic. I am very confident that should my son want to pursue this then it will be fine. I myself would even like to meet her.

As you can see it's very different approaches to the same thing. A hot topic in the fertility world!

We 100% plan on telling @OrangeTortoise @phantomgirl22 I can’t imagine keeping that secret and how hurtful it would be to our child. We also went through a fertility clinic and then a European Sperm Bank with lots of information and open.

I’m having a real crisis at the moment though and worrying massively about the future, I thought I had dealt through all my feelings on this before starting (counselling, strong communication with husband) but all of a sudden I feel so selfish for the decision we have made and unbelievably worried for the future. I also keep reading sites where donor conceived children are so unhappy which terrifies me.

We live in a very small Scottish community @phantomgirl22 where we have great friends but there is also a lot of small minded people. Family wise - my husbands mum will be amazing and I think my Dad will too, my Mum is going to struggle though.

@mabelelsie

We 100% plan on telling *@OrangeTortoise* *@phantomgirl22* I can’t imagine keeping that secret and how hurtful it would be to our child. We also went through a fertility clinic and then a European Sperm Bank with lots of information and open.

I’m having a real crisis at the moment though and worrying massively about the future, I thought I had dealt through all my feelings on this before starting (counselling, strong communication with husband) but all of a sudden I feel so selfish for the decision we have made and unbelievably worried for the future. I also keep reading sites where donor conceived children are so unhappy which terrifies me.

We live in a very small Scottish community @phantomgirl22 where we have great friends but there is also a lot of small minded people. Family wise - my husbands mum will be amazing and I think my Dad will too, my Mum is going to struggle though.

From all the research I did and I had some direct contact with donor conceived adults. They overwhelming take that I got back from it was be open and honest. I think the negative experiences of many donor conceived adults and children are from experiences of dishonesty and essentially been lied to by your parents. This was very common and even now not unusual. This is why it's wrong as ethically and morally donor conceived children have the right to understand their origins.

It's about reframing what type of family it is you are having and been open and honest about it. The chances really are that your child will have a positive experience this way and won't feel any negativity about it as long as he grows up knowing this is his and your families norm.

I understand your anxiety and I think it's very common once pregnant to worry if you are doing the right thing as it's suddenly so final. Equally the fact that you are worrying about it shows how much you care about the whole outcome for your child so I am sure you will raise them with this in mind.

About your community, it's hard to comment as my friend are all very liberal so pretty open to many things. My family too. My DHs family though are strict catholic's so that was a concern for him. We had our first out of wedlock and that was bad enough!! But honestly his family are from a different culture, a culture that really loves children, so it's was actually a non issue and there was a baby in the middle of it that they fell in love with.

Totally agree about being open and honest. Good luck OP, I'm sure it's natural to have doubts and fears but I really hope everything goes well for you. I'm sure it will be fine