47?

[redbluegreenwhite]

dear all
I am 47. a lot of history but basically failed IVF, international moves etc have made life very difficult. Lovely (fertile !) husband. had thought about adoption and on the verge of starting the process to be approved with a great UK agency - but the problem is - even though am quite a strong and generous person i am terrified about the consequences of taking on a child of the damage that UK social services have in care. The information and processes that i have read about and been involved in have so few happy stories attached and adoption now is never about a rejected child. mental illness violence drug and alcohol abuse unavoidable and with severe longterm consequences in many cases. So faced with a choice between the pain of a childless life and the fear of an adopted child that has challenges i can't meet, i am now thinking- is it mad to think about using donor eggs to have my own child so late in life. Ironically all my prep work on being open about adoption
with a non- biological child means that being open and positive about that with a donor egg child does not worry me at all. thanks for taking the time to read.

I’m 43 and we were approved for Intercountry adoption. With covid things slowed up amd the wait seems unbearable. Years ago I had ruled out donor conception, but in may I had a very significant change and in July did donor embryo in Czech Republic and am 5 weeks pregnant- very anxious but I also feel all the preparation for adoption was very helpful, the donor conception network and pathways to parenthood (defining mum on Instagram) have been brilliant resources.

Good luck and feel free to message me x

spinduffy- thanks so much for your lovely reply. hope you are feeling well and i have everything crossed for you and your little one xx

I don't think 47 is too late to have a baby. I do think being 53 with a 5 year old would be very challenging. Could you make contact with anyone who has successfully adopted to talk through some of your worries?

thanks very much -
coosawoodashoulda that is a very good point. i have a couple of leads of adopters to talk to and you are right i should follow them up.

I don’t think it’s too old. Depends on your mindset and what sort of person you are. You have obviously fully considered it. I am 45, having spoken to various doctors and our therapist I know there are plenty women 45+ doing this. Life just isn’t straightforward for a lot of people. We decided against adoption for various reasons and it’s taken 2+ years (after 6 years ttc) to get to the stage where we are now selecting an egg donor. I certainly didn’t plan on doing this at 45 but here we are!

Have you considered an inter-country adoption? From a country where a lot of babies are given up for adoption at a young age?

I wouldn't do it. You'd find having a young child tough at that age. But more importantly, the risk of you or your DH getting cancer or some other very serious health condition goes up massively at your age. Plus the world is becoming a scary place (global warming?) to bring children into. If anything, I'd adopt. Maybe an older child?

thanks apple, things to do and not happpy

yes life isn't straightforward and neither is this decision. thanks so much for the range of views. i really appreciate you taking the time x

OP, I have a child from donor conception. I’m 43 and husband significantly older. He’s the best thing we ever did. Kids are bloody hard work though!!

My friend conceived via donor at 44. It's not that unusual nowadays and most mums I've met are late 30's early 40's. The early years are the hardest and require the most energy!

Go for it! But do it NOW. Every day going forward is a day wasted. Get yourself booked in to a private clinic ASAP and get the process started. With any luck, you'll be pregnant in a few months

as Nc8765 says, go for it, I'm 48 and doing it, after years of procrastinating I know I'd regret it if I didn't, actually after talking to my 84 year old mother about it, she is the one who told me I should go for it! Hope it all goes well for you!

I think being an older parent brings challenges but so does adoption. If I was in your shoes I'd go for the donor egg conception.

The biological link is important but if I couldn't have a biological child then I'd want a child I made and carried as at least I would have that bond with them.

Adoption is great but it does bring huge challenges on so many levels. I've read up on it extensively and decided a while ago that it was definitely not for me.

So, yeah, if I were you I'd get started on the donor egg road asap as time is not on your side. Hopefully your partner is on the same page !

thanks so much for all your comments - I really appreciate it

Hi @redbluegreenwhite I see this post is a few weeks old but I am compelled to reply as I am also 47 and am currently registered with a donor clinic in Barcelona, we have a couple of frosties awaiting DH and I (I have to have a little uterine procedure first though).

There are pros and cons for all things baby related and there is no such thing as the perfect parent or the perfect age range. My own mum had me in her early thirties, but was not a particularly good mother, I may be older but I know I will be the best I can be.

If you are fit and healthy, and have plenty of energy and love to give, then go for it. DH and I are both 'young' 47-year-olds and know we will make great parents at this age, much better than either of us would have been in our younger years!

One of my friends is a GP, and she had a donor baby when she was our age and she is very encouraging and positive about the entire experience. She doesn't mention the ENORMOUS risks of dying at our age that someone mentioned upthread, so I'll listen to her, a medical expert, not some mood hoover on MN

Not mad - but don't hang around, as risks of things like preeclampsia keep rising with age, and DE elevate this risk.

It's a lovely thing to carry a baby and to breast feed. But it's also a lovely thing to give a child a loving home.

If your partner is the same age, then old gametes are still old gametes and your risks for things like autism will be higher.

Some donor conceived children struggle with their identities later on, but honesty from an early age eliminates the risk of shock revelations.