Sperm donation question

[Pegs11]

Hi, my husband has been donating sperm, the clinic told him he needed to do ten visits and provide a total of ten samples. He has a very high sperm count so we weren’t anticipating any issues. But, after he’d finished giving his ten samples, the clinic called him up and said he needed to provide at least three more samples because he “hadn’t created enough volume” with some of his samples. That’s all we know and I wondered if anyone can explain this to me? Why do they need ten samples in the first place? How many families do they aim will benefit from these samples? Why is volume important when he has such a high sperm count? I mean, there’s millions of them, right?! I don’t understand how this works!

Are you in the UK? Has your husband not had implication counselling? I thought it was mandatory in the UK - it's very poor if he has not had all the details and implications of donating fully explained to him.

As for as I know Sperm Donors are encouraged to try to help the full maximum of ten families allowed in the UK if they can (because there is a shortage of donor sperm and a lot of desperate perspective parent/s).

These ten perspective parent/s could want to try for more than one child with the same donor or equally the prospective parent/s could need many, many attempts to be successful even once (as IUI and even IVF can have a fairly low success rate depending on things like age or other fertility issues).

Therefore you can imagine the amount of donor sperm needed from each donor - from what I understand I think donors often visit the bank/clinic around once a week for up to six months (so 20 to 30 deposits, but your husband should have had this explained and been offered £35 expenses for each visit).

I don't know much about donating sperm generally but I've used a known sperm donor, who has given 3 donations. These have resulted in 18 'straws' of sperm and for each IVF treatment my clinic have used 2 or 3 straws.

One straw could be enough for one treatment but is dependent on a number of factors, such as treatment type (IUI vs IVF vs ICSI) and sperm quality.

10 (or even 13 or more) visits seems a lot but as previous poster said, if someone needs multiple treatments, this could use many straws before success. And if volume is an issue, it may be that each of his visits has only produced one or two straws, which is no indication of fertility potential but obviously limits the amount of attempts possible.

I hope you can get the answers you need from the clinic.

As PP said, in the UK the maximum numbers of families per donor is 10 but this could be more than one child per family and not everyone gets pregnant at the first attempt.

There is a massive shortage of donor sperm due to Covid and it has to go through a rigorous testing and quarantining process so won't be ready to start using for several months. At the moment, as soon as sperm is becoming available, it is being snapped up as there is literally nothing spare in sperm banks.

Well done to your husband as people are so desperate for the sperm so they can start trying to create their families.

Thanks all!

Nothing seems to have been explained to him properly by the clinic.

He’s super fed up of having to go and donate… I don’t think he realised how emotionally gruelling it would be for him… as well as physically tiring as he’s having to drive a long way to do it (while also working more than full time!). The clinic seem very disorganised and he doesn’t understand what’s going on half the time as they don’t explain things to him properly and also mess up all the time with their appointments and stuff.

They told him, after all his initial blood tests and form-filling and stuff, that the rules had changed and there is no longer any anonymity and he had to write a letter to his potential unborn child. He found this very upsetting as he hasn’t expected it, and it raised a lot of trauma for him as we weren’t able to have kids of our own and he was devastated about that. So you can imagine how he felt when he was told he had to write this letter…

A couple of times he’s driven all the way there only to discover they’ve messed something up... Once, he was told he had to go for a blood test, and when he arrived he was told he had to give a sperm sample… he had not abstained from sex, as he thought he was only giving blood. When his sperm count came back really low, he was very upset. He had to go back the following week, this time he abstained and the count was very high. But for a week he thought he was infertile and he was inconsolable.

Also on that same visit he was taken into a room by a nurse and without any warning was asked to drop his pants so she could inspect his penis. He was pretty traumatised by that too.

The whole thing has been a farce from start to finish… he said he wouldn’t be surprised if they’d lost a couple of his samples and that’s why they’d asked him to give more!

A nurse asked to inspect his penis? Wtf

What country are you in, OP?

Has your DH had counselling around this? There are a lot of alarming things in your posts

We live in the UK. The clinic he’s donating to is in Wales.

I don’t know if he was offered counselling or not! In the early stages of this process I asked him to leave me out of it, because I had my own issues around infertility etc and although he had my blessing to donate, I didn’t really want to get involved with it. So I don’t know what went on in his initial first meetings and stuff.

So the penis inspecting thing isn’t normal I take it…?

The only reason I’m getting involved now is because he’s telling me these things (about needing to go back three more times, etc) and they don’t make sense to me. And it’s affecting me because it’s affecting him… His mood is low, he’s irritable, and when I ask him questions about what is for on he doesn’t want to talk about it… so I have had to come here looking for answers instead.

The law changed in 2005, how long has he been donating? This sounds like a terrible burden on him and the clinic do seem very disorganised. I suspect that if he has very healthy sperm with a high count he is an attractive option and may be a popular choice. It's possible that the clinic just want to get more out of him!

Does he know how many children he has genetically fathered? He should call them to ask. The penis inspection is very strange and pretty unprofessional, he should have been told why and warned it was required at the very least. I can't imagine why that was needed, if there was a concern around any STIs/STDs (I don't mean your DH, I mean in general) there would be blood tests and semen tests, not looking at someone's genitals.

Ultimately he hasn't signed a contract, he can withdrawn his currently held samples from use before they get used as his DNA is his and remains so. He certainly shouldn't be under any pressure to keep visiting and donating, surely it is understood that people's circumstances change, from moving abroad to perhaps ending up having children and not wanting half-siblings for that child.

Here is the official guidelines for your DH, OP. I wouldn't listen to the clinic! I hope it helps.

www.hfea.gov.uk/donation/donors/donating-your-sperm/

I just want to pop on to say what an amazing man your husband is for doing this. It's clearly a huge self sacrifice. We had a choice of two donors at our clinic and after multiple unsuccessful treatments so far I live in fear of running out of straws as we can only afford to buy them one at a time. It's because of selfless men like your husbamd we might someday be able to have our family. Thank you to him and you, as I know the process will be difficult on you too

Yes, I should have said thank you to you and your husband @Pegs11 - it is a really wonderful thing he is doing . Like others on here, I am trying for my first (and likely only) baby and am reliant on donor sperm, so am very aware of the terrible shortage of it and so grateful to altruistic men like your husband.

But as pp noted, the HFEA rules for things like non- anonymity for all donors and a maximum of 10 families per donor have been in place in the UK for a long time now - so it is really awful if he hasn't had these things explained properly to him . I don't know about the penis inspection, but certainly a letter/message written by the donor (to be shown to the donor conceived person if they request) is pretty standard for donors now - and again should have been explained to your DH at the start.

Thank you again for what your husband has decided to do, but I think everyone would understand if he decided to stop donating from now on, since it is causing him stress. Mistakes can happen but as far as I know the clinic/bank is supposed offer counselling/support for any issues arising or relating to the donating (not just at the beginning of the process) - so again it sounds like they are not doing their job properly if he hasn't been offered this .

@Lexigold he hasn’t fathered any children yet. He’s only been providing sperm samples for the last ten weeks. He won’t be doing any more (beyond the additional three samples they have asked for), because he is very close to the legal age limit.

The clinic have been so unprofessional and blasé about it all. My husband feels like he’s been treated like a piece of meat. It’s as though they assume it’s easy for a bloke to just knock one out, that there is no emotional impact on them. They don’t even seem to appreciate the inconvenience their mistakes/lack of clarity have caused him.

In the room - the one with the magazines - he has to listen to the lab technicians talking about football while he’s trying to get the job done. Or even worse, clients talking about their treatments and their pregnancies which is even more difficult for him. It’s at the clinic we did our fertility treatment at too! Unsuccessfully, I might add… I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks.

There are baby pictures all over the walls in the waiting area, and baby-related sentimental quotes. I don’t understand why the clinic does this. It’s certainly the last thing you want to be looking at when you go for your 9 week scan and you’re told your baby isn’t going to make it and you know that was your last chance.

I’m finding all this very difficult too because my husband will offload all of this onto me, but I’m not allowed to ask him questions or make suggestions or anything because he immediately shuts me down saying he doesn’t want to hear questions or comments. I think he’s too wrapped up in his own nightmare to consider the fact that I’m affected by all of this too! I feel awful that I can’t give him children, and that the only way he can pass on his genes is to go through this horribly gruelling process… and that he’s going to father children for someone else and give them a family when we can’t have one together. It’s very triggering for me. (Slightly off topic as I know that’s about mine and my husband’s relationship… I guess I am just sounding off.)

This whole process has been a nightmare from start to finish. I am so angry with the clinic for making this so difficult… for both of us.

May I ask why he's doing it? It obviously can be a lovely altruistic thing, but that shouldn't come at the expense of your and his well-being.

I was wondering whether it's the same clinic in Wales where I started my journey (trying to conceive with a private donor currently) but I don't recognise that description.

One of the things that put me off using them was the transactional nature of it all. I overheard a gay couple (male) being told that they'd get a discount on surrogacy if they donated sperm. It all felt very mercenary. Plus I was literally given a rudimentary spreadsheet of height, hair colour, eye colour and an indication of occupation to potentially select 50% of the DNA of my child. It wasn't enough for me.

I'm so sorry the clinic has been rubbish. I must say that my experience of the NHS fertility clinic has been much better.

@Zarene His reasons are something I don’t fully understand either. He says he wants to help other families have the same opportunity we had (although we were unsuccessful) but personally I think it’s more about a primal urge to pass on his genes.

How does he feel about his potential donor children contacting him in the future?

With genealogical DNA kits widely available, it would be very easy for them to reach out to him in the future.

I would’ve liked us to have a lot more time to think things through but he is very close to the legal age limit so it was a case of now or never, unfortunately.

This seems kind of odd. I don’t understand why he’s doing this. It seems a bit cruel to you if you’ve been unable to conceive for him to be touring his apparently super fertile sperm

@parsnipsnotsprouts this is the thing, the last few years have been one big whirlwind of trauma for us and I don’t think either of us have had a chance to sit down and process things or comes to terms with things or really think things through… we’ve both just been “reacting”. I think this is the case with the sperm donating… I think it’s a reaction, caused by his grief and disappointment… like hewants to claw SOMETHING back from it all… I don’t think he’s doing it to be cruel to me or anything like that. I don’t think he even knows how it’s all making me feel because he’s so caught up in his own stuff. All he’s seen from me is me giving him my blessing to go ahead but asking him to spare me from having to go with him to the appointments because I don’t want to get triggered. I said he’d have to “go it alone” on this. But now it’s really starting to affect me, especially when I don’t understand why he’s having to do certain things, why he can’t just tell the clinic he’s given enough and doesn’t want to go back to do more… And I can’t even ask him about it because he just gets upset and shuts me down.

Like I said, I really think we would both have benefitted from having a few more years to think this through… but we didn’t, because he is nearly at the legal age limit. We had to just do it, and hope it was the right thing to do. Rather than him miss his chance completely.

If your DH wants to go ahead and doesn't want to discuss it I don't think there is much you can do, as you gave your consent and asked not to be involved. He is able to revoke his consent legally so do you think you might be able to withdraw yours? I'm not sure that would help either of you, it certainly doesn't sound like he wants to keep going to the clinic but he has started so feel compelled to complete his 'duty', despite the level of commitment that was maybe unknown or underestimated at the beginning, the stress it is causing him and the pressure it is putting on your marriage.

I think this is really sad, it does sound like some kind of a reaction to grief and loss and him wanting to 'make the best of it', but actually it's made things worse. I think you might have benefited from the counselling or separate counselling for yourself elsewhere.

Maybe when it's all over you could go together for couples therapy?
Having arguments and not discussing it doesn't seem to be working for you, it can't be working for him either.

@Lexigold everything you say rings true… I wish both of us had had better emotional support at the time. We have both struggled to find good therapists.

We did end up having an emotional head-to-head about it all, a couple of days ago. It transpired that the reason my husband initially thought about donating sperm was reactive, and it was about wanting to pass on his genes… but then it became more about wanting to “do something good” with his life, to help others. I support him with the genetic thing but as for helping others I would have preferred us to focus on helping ourselves first, in terms of getting over our own loss. To know that other people are benefitting from all this is a rather bitter pill to swallow. If only we’d had more time. But as I said, he is close to the legal age limit.

This whole process has certainly set me back in terms of moving on from my own infertility. I don’t think my husband ever realised that… and I can’t blame him, because I don’t think my feelings had ever crystallised into something coherent for me until all this business with the clinic pushing him for more.

Anyway, I prompted him to speak to the clinic and ask if he really had to continue with the donations. They said no, it was fine to quit now.

They had not explained to him at the outset that he didn’t HAVE to provide a total of ten good samples…. He could have given as many or as few as he wanted.

They also thanked him for his donations…my husband said that was the first time anyone at the clinic had said thank you.

I'm pleased to see this update OP, I'm glad you have had a chance to talk about this together, I hope you have some relief from being able to get it off your chest.

The clinic sounds really terrible, I wonder if there would be any benefit to making a complaint? Maybe that shouldn't be the focus right now. They sound very unprofessional but also uncaring and not appreciative.

I hope I am not being too presumptuous, but if I may make a suggestion, the IMAGO technique may be a useful method to apply to future conversations. It's one I know this as it comes recommended. I'm not a therapist but fertility issues can be incredibly difficult and damaging to relationships and now the donation issue is resolved I hope you can both move on and process all this has brought up for you.

@Einszwei I just realised I didn’t answer your question. Actually one of the things I said to him just before he started the donation process was had he given proper consideration to all the future implications? How would he feel if his child knocked on his door in 18 years...? How would he feel if they never did…?

I asked him these questions, but I never really turned things around and asked myself the same questions.

It seems I have been setting my feelings aside throughout all of this, rather than unpacking them. There was a great sense of urgency on his part, and I didn’t want to delay him with my dithering. And so instead, in an effort to protect myself, I asked him not to involve me in the process. I wasn’t ready to face any demons that might rear their heads. But as it turns out, not involving me has been impossible. I am involved, and there are demons.

@OhHolyJesus we did have a talk, but I didn’t really get anything off my chest. We managed to talk a bit more and get some clarity on the donation process, but I only had space to give the briefest comment that this was affecting me too before I got shut down and it then descended into an argument about the way we communicate with each other. So he still doesn’t know exactly how it has affected me. I’ve basically delayed my own healing process so that he could pursue his. And the irony is, I haven’t even seen that much healing being done here. All I’ve seen is him being stressed and miserable about it all and basically taking it out on me.

I realise I sound like I'm pushing this now but I do think therapy would really help you at this stage, even if you go solo. As you say, you are involved, there's no way you couldn't be, you are married and any potential children could find him in the future and also you (assuming you stay together, I hope you do).

I strongly suggest you find someone to talk to, the impact on you is profound, that is clear from your posts, and you have not explored this, nor can you possibly explore this with your DH without it turning into an argument.

It's easy for me to say, as a stranger on the internet, without any understanding of your life, your commitments and what free time you might have, but I really think it would help you make sense of things, for yourself, if not as a married couple. It may be painful but I think the guidance would help you, it doesn't sound like it's going to get any better to be honest with you.

This thread has been a real insight into the consequences of sperm donation for couples. Those who have used or intend to use sperm donors will be grateful and applaud your DH's decision and efforts, but it's also important to hear your side of the story so thank you for sharing it. I hope you find some help. It's not your fault, you don't need to be a punching bag for your DH's frustrations or regrets and your loss abs grief is worthy of time to process it.

It sounds very much like the age cut off put pressure in you both but more so you as you didn't feel you could take your time to consider it and just agreed as it was what he wanted.