Sperm donation

[magpiecounter]

We are looking to conceive a baby but my husband has 100% ASA and our only option for him is ICSI. Five rounds so far have resulted in nothing until November. We conceived on our final embryo and were finished on the ART front. That ended in miscarriage so we are looking at options.

My husband is prepared to consider sperm donation as that seems to be a cheaper option than the £12k a go ICSI and we cannot afford that much longer as it takes a while to save up that much and I'm not getting any younger:

How does it work? Sperm donation. Do we have to register somewhere?

[OhHolyJesus]

You can find a registered clinic near you to help. An unregistered clinic or a direct donation (or sperm bought from the internet or found through one of the Facebook groups) will be much cheaper but the man donating the sperm will be considered the father. There are many thread on this board that cover the issues you raise in your OP so maybe read those for more advice.

Check out the HFEA website for the proper advice and the government pages. HFEA can offer support and counselling which could help your husband process his feelings towards the issue.

I understand the desire for a biological child but have you considered adoption? I expect you have already and have your reasons for rejecting it but it can be useful to revisit long-rejected ideas to see if your feelings have changed.

You will want to learn about donors, the law and the rights a donor conceived child has to find their genetic parent/s as well so you can think about how that would work for you, how you would tell them, then the family etc. How you feel about the child's siblings being close by or far away. There's a lot to consider. You should get as much info as you can to help you decide a way forward.

[magpiecounter]

@OhHolyJesus we started the adoption process but were rejected by them because 2010 I had mental health issues and they said by the time we would be ready (5yrs after fertility treatments) we would be out of their age requirements. We only lost the baby last month so our time would start from now and we would be in our 40's (agency accept up until 45 only for adoption). Fostering would be an option only and I would be heartbroken every time they left us.

Another reason for adoption being difficult is my husband works away and they weren't happy about that.

Sperm donation was suggested by my fertility councillor and he's happy to do it as long as the baby didn't want to go find his "real dad" one day. He's got a biological son already so that's a plus.

[OhHolyJesus]

Well I'm sorry to hear about your struggles, I do think your husband has some work to do on that issue though as the child would have rights to find their biological father and as has been known, since ART and donor gametes became a possibility with science (which in turn had laws developed around it), children who are donor conceived do sometimes grow up knowing something is amiss and can sometimes find they have ten or even hundreds of siblings (though in the U.K. I think the maximum for sperm donations is to 10 families, though don't quote me on that).

I believe the advice is to be honest from the outset and this leads to a better understanding and closer family bonds than doing the opposite.

From your latest post it's clear to me that your husband would benefit from counselling and you would both feel better by doing some research and finding out about the laws and rights a donor conceived child has. Does he have any issues about you be pregnant by another man? Do you think he would be jealous or feel some kind of failure? Would he have concerns about bonding with a child that he isn't genetically connected to, like his son? All areas worth exploring.

You could look up We Are Donor Conceived and the Donor Conceived Network and of course the official government and regulatory body HFEA websites for more.

The cost of sperm from official routes might be expensive but from other boards you can see that unofficial/known sperm donors are not always doing it for the reasons you expect and there is no way of checking on who and how they 'donate' to others, or how many times. You'll learn more about the terminology of this and the websites used from reading this board.

[IamnotwhouthinkIam]

The fertility clinic you used for ICSI should be able to advise you about the practicalities of donor sperm in terms of cost and which donor bank they use (as each clinic is different and some may even have their own bank, which could be cheaper).

In terms of the emotional side to using donor sperm, I agree with pp that it is worth contacting the UK Donor Conception Network charity for advise, although at least one implication counselling session will be mandatory (usually arranged by your clinic) before you use any donor gametes anyway.

We Are Donor Conceived can sometimes paint quite a negative picture as it is largely US based, where one donor can legally father 50 or many more families (unlike the UK HFEA limit of 10) and often their donors were anonymous which can be upsetting. Also the adults on that website were sometimes not told or even lied to about their origins, where now the guidance is to talk to your child about their donor conception from birth (so you get used to talking about it, changing the language used as the child matures enough to understand more).

Unlike some other countries, Donor conceived people who are conceived in a HFEA clinic in the UK now have the right to find out who their Donor is once they are 18, and many do seem to want to have some level of contact. So please don't go into this without taking that into account.

[thefishthatcouldwish]

Hi op

I would say that before you consider sperm donation your husband needs to talk to a trained person about how he feels.

I agree with previous posters.

From a personal pint of view. DH and I had IVF via sperm donation due to MFI. Now 23 weeks pregnant.

Now we know that although genetically not DHs he is their dad. He is as connected to this bump as he would be if he was genetically his.

Although daunting at first having a donor conceived child I would look at it from the POV of the child as knowing your genetic makeup can be important to the child.

We plan to be honest with them from early on because it’s important that they understand how wanted they are/ were.

Also you would need to consider if you didn’t tell them or made it sound like a secret how this would affect a potential child. As if they didnt know then found out ( increasingly likely with ancestry style genetic testing) how would the child feel?

Anyway OP good luck with it all.

[thefishthatcouldwish]

Sorry for the random ramble it was 2 am and I had woken up from a nightmare!😬😀

[Silveroriole]

Hi OP, I agree with the posters above that it's important to sort out the mixed emotions often associated with donor conception.it would be good to talk to the Donor Conception Network who can make it clear to your husband how much it can matter to children to know their biological origins. They'll also show being a father depends on much more than sperm and that the resulting baby will see him as her lifelong father who made an active choice to have her. It's secrets and lies that damage families and openness and acceptance defuse any problems.
I would strongly advise you not to use an anonymous donor... Better to start off with someone who won't be angry and resentful if found via a DNA test.
I was a donor baby myself and have had a lot of pleasure discovering my half siblings and finding out about my Donor, but it hasn't changed how I feel about the father I grew up with at all.
So good luck in your quest and I hope you see either three or four magpies very soon!

[Silveroriole]

Not Donor but Donor!