Just started to seriously consider using donor sperm. Can anyone give me any advice please?

[Yousexybugger]

Hi all.

I am 34 and frankly have given up on finding the right man to have a family with, but do want a family. I am a professional, looking to retrain which may make things harder alone but I have so much love to give a child/ children and don't want to miss my chance. I've had some really shit experiences with men and just can't carry on dating.

In short, this is not the way I would have wished things to go but I am seriously thinking of using donor sperm. I want to do it properly through a sperm bank, not an informal arrangement but have just started looking and there is so much to take in, I don't even know where to begin.

Does anyone have any advice on the process, which company to go to, what service to choose (I noted different prices for different MOTs), any other advice, or just an idiot's guide as to where to start enquiring?

Obv I'm not coming here as a substitute for doing the research and legwork, just to hopefully get me started looking in the right places as I feel completely clueless.

I looked on one website and it was asking me about donor hair colour, height and profession and to be honest I don't even know those things are that important to me.

I'd suggest you start by finding a clinic and perhaps having some initial investigations to check your fertility - this can help to establish what kind of treatment you'd need (could range from unmedicated iui all the way up to IVF). You can (and, indeed, have to) also access implications counselling to help you think through all aspects of donor conception before you get underway.

In terms of choosing a donor, your clinic will then be able to advise on what sperm banks they work with, and what specifications you'll need for your particular treatment. Once you know that you can start to work through what's available and see how you feel in terms of making a decision.

Personally, I was never super bothered about things like hair and eye colour. I found it helpful to come up with a few criteria I could use to narrow down the available donors, but the specific criteria you choose are totally up to you!

One thing to consider is how much you may want/need to order - you may need multiple cycles of treatment, or you may want to think about possible future siblings. (I appreciate that sounds a bit mad before you even get going, but it's as well to think about!)

Best of luck, and feel free to ask if you have any questions.

Thank you Persipan, all of that is extremely useful and much appreciated. I was wondering about the sibling point so it's good to know that sperm from the same donor can potentially be stored for future usage.

I just wondered, having had a look at prices etc and again it all being a bit much to take in, can I ask roughly on average this costs altogether to conceive one child, say if IVF is not needed?

I can't comment on price because my doner conceived twins are 11 now. But just to say I went privately using an NHS clinic which was cheaper (I used them as I conceived dc1 through them so felt happier knowing them already).
With regards looks I said I wasn't that concerned and asked the nurse to choose for me (she matched hair colour but not eyes - ironically one has mine/doners blonde hair other has dark brown).
Be aware that they can't screen for every health issue. It turned out the doner and I were carriers of a very rare gentic condition which one dt has. But to put it into perspective I'd already had a child and didn't know about it, if you met someone and had a baby you wouldn't get tested for every known condition its a risk we all take having dc and actually a doner is probably health checked more rigorously than if you met someone and concieved.
I would book a first appointment and see how you feel about the clinic. Make sure it's not to far for you to travel because you may need to be going backwards and forwards a lot and at times not feel great (due to drugs). You'll need a first consultation, basic fertility tests, counselling session - for me this was a one off and discussed how I'd feel if it worked /didn't work, how I'd deal with having a child practically, how I'd talk to dc about being doner concieved. They want to make sure you are emotionally stable enough for a roller-coaster of emotions. It wasn't necessary my answer that they were interested in more the fact I'd considered different scenarios.
When I signed up they sent 5 vials of sperm from the same doner (was told we could get more if he was still within his quota of children). I actually conceived on cycle 5 using iui.
My dt know they are doner concieved I've sort of drip fed them information from being little. They currently want to meet him at 18 to say thank you. I'm glad I did it although at the time it was hard going on my health (had a few issues with overstimulation). I actually took a few months off after 3 rounds as I felt emotionally and physically exhausted and then went back to it.
Good luck.

That's a bit of a 'how long is a piece of string' question, tbh. Initially you'd need to spend a few hundred on investigations. A round of iui including sperm costs is probably a couple of thousand ish, perhaps more if you need meds; but then bear in mind that the likelihood of a given cycle of iui working isn't always all that high. Your clinic should be able to give you more personalised statistics, and if you look on the HFEA website you can look at different clinics and how their patients have fared, filtering for age and treatment type. Some people will get lucky and have success with a single iui, others (waves!) find they're in it for a longer haul. Some clinics also offer multiple treatment cycle packages, sometimes with money back options if you aren't successful after using so the included cycles (but those packages will normally only be available if you're pretty likely to succeed). The difficulty is always that with hindsight, you may find yourself thinking you'd have picked a different option, but you can only really judge based on what you know now.

It may be worth thinking about proactively choosing IVF, especially if siblings are something you'd want to consider, as you could potentially then have those embryos already banked. IVF is more expensive per cycle, but depending on how well you respond and the quality of the embryos, it can work out cheaper than multiple iuis needing more sperm each time. It's a conversation worth having with your clinic, for sure!

This is so incredibly helpful, thank you both very much. I had no idea how much fees could rack up to when I started looking. I can see why women end up going for these men on facebook offering their services.

I'm in my 40s with 11-month old donor conceived twins.

I agree with all the above. Start with a clinic, who will do tests and advise on the best treatment for you. They'll let you know which sperm banks they deal with.
For MOT of the sperm, if you end up doing IVF ICSI, the MOT doesn't matter since they inject the sperm directly into the egg, so I chose a low motility.

The clinic will let you know costs. For me, sperm was €500. IUI was about €1500, I think. The investigations can cost thousands, depending what you need. I conceived on my 5th IVF (after 5 IUIs).
Good luck!

Thanks user for sharing your experience, so useful. Damn, I dont think I will be able to afford this from what I've seen