Sperm donor clinic or sperm donor friend

[smileygirl1995]

Hi all, so I have a question that's been going through my head for a few weeks now, I have a donor picked out I've known him for about 9 hrs now and we've built up a good relationship over that time, he's got a partner (been with her for about 20yrs, and two girls between them, he's Also it other children but those were through sperm donation so technically not his, anyway my question being as I've known him so long I feel happy to use him as my donor he's had all the checks and will do again when the time comes, but if I was to go down the route of sperm donor clinic where do I start and what can I expect?
I fear my weight will hold me back, that they will tell me I'm to fat and not fit to be a mother, (I'm doing something about it don't panic)
I always had it in my head that I'd use this donor, but I thought I would try both options to be able to rule it out properly.

Can anyone shed any light on the matter...?
I'm based in Cornwall I'm not even sure where my nearest or lock sperm bank/clinic would even be?

But surely once the child is born it's a bit late by then OP. As he isn't an anonymous donor he can claim paternity and anyway he would be the father of your child so you will be tied to him for life whether he is interested in the child or not. Your child be be half of him, might look like him, have his mannerisms or even look like his children. Your child will have questions about where they came from. As soon as they understand how babies are made he or she (or they if you have twins) will know there is a Dad somewhere, would you lie and say he was an anonymous donor when he lives within an hour's drive away?
What if your child wanted to meet him but 'Fred' didn't want to?

As a PP says if you see his kids, the others he has fathered, the ones he doesn't parent, with a better life, more money, etc (I paraphrase and assume that is what the PP was getting at) then you might change your mind too. I'm not saying you are after his money but you might see things differently in the future and your child might feel rejected and disconnected from their roots, from their family on their father's side.

If you go through a clinic there is advice available as to how you deal with all these issues when easing your child with an anonymous donor, though you sound very fixed in doing it this way with this man, and it all might go as you plan.

Is there something about taking the formal route that is putting you off? Is it the cost or the location of the clinic as you mentioned before?

It sounds as though you have thought it all through and you know him and he and his partner are willing, ready and able, that you aren't expected to have sex with him (though he did that before so I get why he would be so interested!) and you don't want anything else from him but his sperm I would just suggest you get some legal advice and ensure 100% that he has STI and STD checks before accepting his semen and somehow he proves this rather than just taking his word for it. Do you know his family medical history and anything about his parents so you can maybe share some stories about them with the child or be informed about their medical background?

@smileygirl1995 no problem at all. Feel free to PM if you have any questions.

Sorry for delay crazy few days.
Soooo yes I realise he would technically still be the dad, basically I've not not thought about it but for now the fact I'm not even pregnant yet I suppose the fact of explaining it to my child seemed like a far away thing, yes he would technically (biologically) be the dad but Fred wants nothing to do with his actual upbringing as such, so if my child or children as you say possible twins you never know, if they wanted to meet him then yes I would of course make it possible, i know Fred will be okay with that as he said he would, I trust him I can see why from the outside it's sounds odd but it's truly not as complicated, (I sometimes have a tendency to easily confuse things, just by the way I write haha) i will be as honest as possible with my child, Fred will be a talked about person between my and my child. Also for the reason I want them to know how much I wanted them and how loved they are, that just because they might only have one mother doesn't mean they aren't loved any less, and if they wanted to meet Fred and there half sister then they can I will not stop them.
I don't plan on going often enough to Fred for my child to risk feeing disconnected or rejected, if they wanted to go more often then that's fine but I feel only when old enough for longer periods maybe, so they are old enough to understand.

I've been talking to feed for years literally since about 2013 (he's a bit older then me) I realise I'm talking for so long people will automatically assume there's a relationship that might go further this is not the case, he is simply helping me have a baby, he has something I need so essentially I am using him it is as black and white as that. (Sorry to be crude)

The "formal" route nothing as such putting me off I just never even thought about it, I talked to Fred and it went from there because of that a clinic wasn't even spoken about, the only reason I thought about it now really is that because we've spoke for so many years he is older I am to obviously but he was always older then me so I just thought I might look into it.
I hoped I might be able to get sperm sent directly to me for me to "sort" but can't seem to do so and the travel and cost etc I'll admit did put me off a clinic yes

I have thoroughly gone over it for years it's been on my mind every day of every year and each year that passes is more painful 😣
The silly thing is if I remember I suggested a more natural approach (ni) and he said about ai first as I was younger he didn't want to feel like he was pressuring me.
I do really appreciate your advice though and I will be getting him to do another load of fresh gets to be on the safe side for sure!
And if you do know of any clinics that post to Cornwall in the uk send them my way ahhh got to keep all my options open haha

Something not right about all of this sorry to say

That's fine, not everyone gets it I appreciate that :)

It just sounds wrong
No judgement at all
How much older is he?
He sounds odd
Something not ok with this

Hi OP

I've been listening to this interesting podcast about speed donation and ethics and unforeseen consequences.

You might find it worth a listen.

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/venus-rising/id1481872967?i=1000504426235

Also there is another thing that has been troubling me recently. Sorry to be gloomy but I do feel gloomy these days and have seen some very tragic cases recently that I feel sad about.
My work involves contact with cancer patients. We've had a few young (in my eyes!) women (40's or thereabouts), single mothers of young teenagers or primary school age who have had to confront that they are dying and make decisions about the future of their children. A fifteen year old having to choose where/with whom she will live after her Mum dies.
And it can be very complicated eg housing is an issue if they are in a local authority housing as that won't pass down to their teenagers.

It's a grim thing to think about but going it alone has many unforeseen consequences.

Speed donation??? LOL
I meant sperm donation obv.

During the pandemic lock down I don't think the post should be relied upon. Clinics are already awash with registered clients.

I would suggest you read some of the other threads on this board OP, women say how they are let down by sperm donors during their ovulation windows etc.

It is illegal to buy sperm and I realise you know that but the max you can pay in expenses is £35. (Also I read a study about Covid being present in semen which makes sense. Fred could get tested but you should only get a test if you have symptoms in my view. Is he old enough to get the vaccine soon?)

Fred sounds like he wants to just give you the semen and not be involved with the child and that will suit you as you only want the sperm, but the child might want more from Fred than Fred can give. The same applies to any potential child's siblings (the ones you know and the ones you don't know).

There are plenty of documented stories about donor conceived children wanting to find out more when they are older, and how it affects you to find multiple siblings though you grew up as an only child. It's not so much that you haven't got enough love or anything else it's just that where you come from and who are you is connected to your biology and your parents.

Does Fred have anything medical conditions in his family/his parents and have you talked about all that as well as the method of getting his semen?

@smileygirl1995 you really should speak to a clinic first before deciding what to do.

You need to be in full possession of the facts before deciding and there are many advantages of going that route. Not least, younger sperm is better. Men's sperm deteriorates with their age. You're not getting the best stuff with Fred.

Mother of a child conceived via AI with a known donor here. Didn’t involve a clinic but did have a family lawyer draw up a full contract to protect both parties as much as possible. Happy to chat more if you wish. I have been very happy with our arrangement.

@FannyCann that's a fascinating podcast. She talks very much from the perspective of her daughter and other donor conceived children. Interesting that even though she went the formal route her poor daughter ended up with over 100 siblings and she thought 35 was a lot (which it is)!

I liked what she said at the end with that she would say to gamete donors too, and about regulation. A smart woman who has done her research and learnt a lot from her experience.

@BritInAus thank you!! I have actually had something written for a while and he's also got something that we will both sign when the time comes, I didn't know if I was to go to a family lawyer if I was able to I've seen some people say avoid at all costs, and I've seen others say it was fab and they were really understanding and supportive, I'll definitely look into something more solid for sure!!
Hope not to personal, do you see your donor at all, and how is your relationship with your mum or mums...?

Hi @smileygirl1995 happy to answer any questions. My donor is a friend’s husband. I see him perhaps once a year - as does my child. My relationship with my parents is fantastic 😊

@OhHolyJesus I don't actually know anything else I can say to you, you don't like the idea I do understand I get it 100%
I have in fact read other posts on this page and seen plenty of views, I would maybe suggest that you maybe read some of the ones I've seen and that might even up your views on the matter, I get that you don't agree with what I'm doing.
As I've also said before I won't be paying him, Fred hasn't fathered many children at all so won't worry about 100s of siblings.
He isn't eligible for the vaccine at all yet, not for quite a few years yet haha although I'm sure that was just to check he wasn't to old to donate ;)
If my child wishes to see Fred i am positive he will agree to do so, if my child does not want to see them then I will also go with there wishes it is my child's choice not mind.
I will always teach my child to be aware that Fred is not there father, so they won't expect anything more from them, this will all be discussed when my child is born with my child and Fred.
I do have other things in which to discuss with Fred but this is for me and him to discuss I've already gone into quite a bit more detail then I planned for this post, I have in fact done a lot of research as I say this has been quite a few years in the making this isn't something I have rushed into or not researched.
Plenty of people have done similar except it's called a one night stand and no information is swapped no tests done or medical history.
This way is a private arrangement instead of a clinic.
Sorry I don't mean to be rude

OP you say you came here to explore donor sperm through a clinic despite being quite set on the idea of using Fred's sperm.

You say you have done a lot of research and this has been years in the making, but you don't know even know your nearest clinic and I don't understand why you would even explore this if you have already got written agreements drafted (though these have not been drafted through a lawyer so I don't think you have really researched this as you say).

You are clear that you are not in love with this man, want nothing from him but his sperm, his partner supports this and even suggested it, he has done this before and has several other children this way as well as his own, and everything sounds agreed and set up so why are you asking about donor sperm through the official route? He isn't even suggesting sex so you aren't under pressure and he live close by enough to deliver fresh sperm (though I would advise against is in this lock down and during a pandemic anyway as the virus is present in semen).

A one night stand usually involves contraception and protection against STDs and STIs and is not for the purposes of making a baby! If it does result in pregnancy it can also result in abortion. A woman who wants to get pregnant through a one night stand isn't being honest about her motives and is risking her health and the health of a baby. I would advise anyone strongly against it because it is not safe for several reasons.

(You really should listen to that podcast so to think more about the child you want to create, the woman speaking was in a similar position to you and she has learnt so much from the process, it was very thought provoking.)

It's clear you have no intention of pursuing the proper, regulated method that is available and managed for the benefit of women like you and for any children you might have through official donor sperm, with counselling, advice and support. You are rejecting all that to go your own way. No one can stop you, just don't pay him as that is illegal.

And if it's not about the cost (as Fred comes for free) and you have no concerns about his health (though you have some over your own) I'm not sure what the point of your enquiry was.

Others have suggested, as I have, that you have legal advice and you go the formal route, through a clinic, so I am not the only poster expressing concern for your plans.

I also wonder if you've know this man for 9 years what on Earth has taken you so long? His sperm is only getting older and slower whilst you wait.

As a PP said, as this thread has continued something doesn't ring true, it doesn't add up. I hope if you are successful and get pregnant that the child you have with Fred grows happy and strong and that he will want to know his son or daughter, even just a little bit, and be in the child's life in a positive way and the child will know his or her siblings.