Explaining donors

[Sahara2020]

Hi there, I'm new, 46 and currently 3 months pregnant after 6 failed ivfs.
This time I used an egg donor and an ex boyfriend offered to be a sperm donor. Well it's worked!!❤️

My questions are to anyone whose used a donor sperm with someone they know. Did you tell your child? How did the donor cope knowing you? Any boundaries that you think are important for me to be thinking of?

Im excited but a bit scared and no one in my life understands the donor thing thinking that he is 'obviously' the dad which isn't what him and I have decided.
Any books anyone would recommend?

Thanks so much in advance! ❤️

Congratulations!

The Donor Conception Network have lots of resources around talking and telling, and story books for children in various different combinations of parents/donors. You might also find it helpful to have some more implications counselling to think about how you want to handle this - I know the counsellor at my clinic also saw people post-treatment, sometimes when their children were a good bit older, to help them figure out how to navigate their situation.

The general advice is to start telling your child about their origins, in age-appropriate terms, as early as possible. (I literally told my double-donor baby on the day he was born, just to get my hand in! My situation is a bit different, though, in that I didn't use a known donor.) I've found it quite helpful to think about (and try out in talking to the baby) the language I wanted to use, so it's there in my head and I'm not having to mentally grope around for it. Depending on what level of contact you and your sperm donor have agreed, it might also be good to get his thoughts and agree a joint way forward.

My main bit of advice is, whatever you're telling people (which is up to you, ultimately), just tell them it and be their guide as to the situation and the appropriate language to use in relation to everyone involved. And, don't worry too much about their opinions. I've found that people are generally interested, but nowhere near as scandalised as I might have anticipated, and will pretty much take your lead. (And if for some reason they don't and your meet with someone disapproving or weird about it, screw 'em. You're awesome and you've come this far through sheer determination; people's snooty opinions are really just the whispering of a distant breeze, by comparison.)

Best of luck, and enjoy your pregnancy!

That's such great advice! Thank you 🙏.
I definitely agree on telling it early, just to somehow make it 'normal' as we transition through..
I'll look into that Donor Conception Network.
Thanks so much!! ❤️

We have three children, conceived with help of sperm donor. They are 15, 11 and 9 so we are a fair way along the path. We always knew we would tell them as soon as they were born. Sounds a bit daft, but we wanted it to be information they had always known rather than a big announcement and telling our first when she was tiny meant we practised them words so it felt more natural.
As far as I know, it's no great big deal to them. They rarely mention it and are as bonded to both of us as any other children. Our oldest has told a few of her friends and, although teens do have friendship issues sometimes, the nature of her conception really isn't one of them.
Happy to answer anything you want to know, either on here or by DM.
Because our daughter was conceived just before anonymity was removed, ours will unfortunately not be able to find out identity of the donor.
Of course, we are there to talk about anything with them, and I drop the donor into conversation occasionally just to give an opportunity, but I can honestly say it doesn't seem to be a big deal to them. I'm no expert beyond our own family, but we did read that children who have always known about their origins tend to be accepting, and when you read about big issues, it's often because there has been secrecy. But it's very personal, of course.

Oh, and I try not to be offended when the close friends we've told forget about the fact our children are donor conceived! Doesn't seem to matter to them either!

You have two questions to deal with really - 1. about openness with egg donation (advice there on telling early / joining DCN) and 2. What you say to your child/ others about his known donor. The latter question is harder as it depends partly on what you have agrrrd with your ex boyfriend. Does he want to be part of the babies life? Does he want to drop in and out? What are the boundaries? Have you thought about how his feelings might change when he meets his son/daughter for the first time (he may well want to be more connected than you have agreed). In that sense what you call him and how you refer to him depends on the relationship abs how it evolve.
My kids have a known donor and they choose to think of him as a kind of uncle, as he doesn’t play a fatherly role but he is a loving presence in their lives. I have two other friends who started off with remote known donors who became co parents later in and have a dad like role.

I’d say the most important thing is consistency. If your donor wants to be involved he has to do so in a way that is consistent and does not leave the child feeling abandoned or confused.