Donor conception
IUI cost and success
Lynch286 · 05/11/2020 15:49
Hi im new to this and a little bit about my situation.
I conceived naturally (un planned) with a now ex partner in July. This was a very new relationship and i was becoming quite uneasy about how dominating his family were.
I felt unhappy and was about to end it due to his overbearing mother and his constant need for her approval about everything. I then found out i was pregnant.
He didn't want to have the baby and yet said his family wanted to be heavily involved and he would seek a court order if I didn't agree to this.
I wanted him and his family out of my life permanently but knew this couldn't and wouldn't happen.
I made the decision to terminate on the grounds that I couldn't cope with him and his family.
I terminated on 2 October 2020.
Ive regretted this ever since and feel although my reasons were and are still valid.
I want a child however and am missing the life I could of had. I am looking at donor sperm and having an iui conception with this. I have family support and i just want to know how successful is it and if anyone has done similar? I know i am fertile and had no problems conceiving but i am also wondering how much I would realistically need to fund this? I have finances but no guide. I have an appointment booked at a womens cljnic in london on Tuesday to have preliminary tests/consultation and have been looking at the London sperm bank.
Any advice from people would be greatly received but please be kind i know its a long post but I wanted you to know the details of the situation.
OhHolyJesus · 05/11/2020 17:25
I think it might be best to wait a little, you have had a termination just a month ago, been through a break up, we are going into another lockdown in just a few hours and are looking into embarking on single motherhood by choice?
It's just a lot to process, you don't mention you're age so I'm not sure if there is a time pressure. You also don't say if you wanted the baby, I understand you terminated but maybe you did want the baby but not I ride circumstances? Is there any chance that you are looking to make amends for something you regret?
I wouldn't rush anything OP, I'm sorry this has happened but going from 0-60 could be something else you regret.
Did you want to be a single mother by choice before this relationship started?
Lynch286 · 05/11/2020 18:35
Hi thanks for your reply im 35 but yes i think time pressure does factor in a little. I did want to be a mum but without the additional stress of co parenting with someone I couldn't be with and the level of interference I would of had from his family. I had to be signed off because of the stress he caused by adding much more of his own problems to the equation. He had suffered from psychosis which i was not made aware of until after the pregnancy happened. He had a breakdown after his son from a previous relationship was born (which he didn't tell me about) and said this pregnancy would cause the same but that his family would deal with access and I would need to arrange access with his mum not him. I would have to take them on if i wanted to go alone in having the baby. Which is what i wanted as felt it would of been better. I couldn't cope with this extra responsibility of his issues as well as planning for what i felt was a positive and happy future.
OhHolyJesus · 05/11/2020 22:24
From what you explain I completely agree that you are better off far away from your ex and his family and completely support your decision to abort. You will find no judgement from me on that, and I'm not judging you on any other choices but the speed at which you're looking to get pregnant again via a sperm donor is a little concerning. I would just say to hold off and think it through.
You're 35, you have time and apart from getting over the break up and the abortion (physically I mean because emotionally you will always remember) and there's a lot going on in general with clinics being limited or closing with the lock down again. I think you might regret going at such a pace. There's lots to consider with a sperm donor and the child that may follow. I'd read around the other threads on this board and beware of the sperm donor websites. I'd even read about the adults who were donor conceived as this isn't really just about your desire to be a mother but the child will not know their father (which may be how you want it but just take some time to consider the long term issues around that for the child as they grow and how you might handle that).
A lot has happened to you in the last 6 months, it just sounds to me like you're rushing into it all. It doesn't sound like you really want to be a single parent by choice but just didn't want to co-parent with your ex.
Lynch286 · 06/11/2020 15:11
Yes I think maybe i am being hasty it's probably a desire for things to have been different. I think its a feeling I didn't think id have as the pregnancy wasn't planned so was a shock and I didn't plan on becoming a mum but now having had those strong feelings its on my mind 24/7. There wasn't going to be a happy ending either way previously which is quite devastating. Niw its all i think about. But yes maybe in time i can re think and re visit. I do worry about the fact the baby wouldn't know their dad and how that would make them feel, which is something i am struggling with. It would of been so much better if my ex had just said he didn't want contact and I could of just got on with that without constant worry about getting involved with him again. I considered moving away but knew that wasn't fair and my support network wouldn't be there. Just a bad situation and i keep having to go over my reasons. Kind of like next time i will be in control which is where doing it myself came into things. If we had split after the birth I suppose I would of at least just had to get on with it thanks for your replies you have made some really good points and to have another person put a few things forward to think over has helped me x
OhHolyJesus · 06/11/2020 17:40
I'm glad I could help, your story really touched me as I had an abortion because I didn't want to be forever connected to an ex.
A child who grows with an absent father will always be different (not better or worse) from one that has their father (and mother) close to them - whether their father is anonymous to them because they came from his sperm donation or because he wasn't involved or was perhaps not there because he died.
Had you not had the abortion the baby would grow and still not know their father, or if they did they would know they weren't born into a happy situation for you.
You don't have to be a single parent, certainly not aged 35, you have time still. I got pregnant at 37 and though fertility drops the closer you get to 40 you don't really need to consider being a single parent and going the sperm donor route unless that's absolutely the route you want to take, by choice not down to circumstances if that makes sense.
It sounds to me like this relationship, the pregnancy and the abortion has thrown up some issues for you and I would encourage you, if you can, to seek some therapy so to process this with professional guidance. Dating probably isn't a top priority for you right now and with lockdown (if you are UK) it's not on the immediate horizon either! Maybe take this time to start processing what's happened this year and find a way to heal a bit, your next relationship will thank you for it.
You won't ever forget the abortion but you don't need to make amends and you don't need to feel guilty. Your choices are yours to make and I hope what comes next is positive and hopeful. Good luck to you OP and take care x
Lynch286 · 08/11/2020 21:51
Thank you so much your last post from Friday really touched me, xx
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