Is having a baby via donor sperm selfish?

[restingwitchface86]

I've found a donor and am ready to try next month for the first time. As it draws nearer, I'm getting more and more nervous about having a baby with a donor.

Is it fair that I'm going to be depriving my child of having a father, knowing their full identity, having to grow up knowing they have brothers and sisters they may never get to know? Is my child going to resent me, become angry and feel like my decision was selfish?

I'm so scared of raising a child who ultimately grows to hate me for my decision. Does anyone else have these doubts and fears?

It's not unfair at all

I don’t believe so, but I’m accidentally in a similar situation in that I’ve just found out I’m 6 weeks pregnant and the dad has walked out, maybe never to be seen again!!

He’s not present for his 2 existing children and so I’ve pretty much made the decision that he won’t be on the birth certificate and I won’t be allowing him access unless he proves he can be a stable and present father that is emotionally supportive,

There’s many people who grow up with one parent absent without emotional wounding however a parent that is there but damages them does far more harm in my opinion.

Best of luck in conceiving OP

It is not selfish at all. I am in the exact same position as you - I am doing my first try next month with donor sperm too.

I have so much love to give, and I have a loving family around me, that I don’t think my child would miss out.

I hope that helps out your mind at rest a little. It’s nice to hear that someone is going through the same as me at the same time. I wish you all the best.

I am doing the same and have had the same thoughts. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s only selfish to the same extent that is for anyone who plans a baby.

Most people have a (planned) child because of an instinct or feeling or desire that they have. Beyond that some people consider what they would be able to provide that child and I think it’s very hard to start saying some specific things are good enough and others aren’t.

I think the fact that you are concerned about this demonstrates that you are already trying to put the needs of this person (who doesn’t exist yet) above your own.

I feel like I could provide an environment for a new person that would allow them to thrive and fulfil their potential, so I decided to go ahead and this helped me make my peace with it.

I’m not going to pretend it’s a selfless act because I know I will get a lot emotionally out of doing so, but I think it’s ok x

You've made a proactive choice to have a baby without a partner so clearly you've thought about it for some time and weighed up all the pros and cons. I'm not going to pretend it will be easy and the points you raise are valid but the most important thing - that the baby is loved and looked after is taken care of. Good luck

I have two doner conceived dc (secondary school age).
I think it's natural to have these thoughts but the fact you're having them says you are aware of the pitfalls as well as the positives.
My dc have never felt it is an issue and they have always known (talked about it from a young age so they know). The hospital gave me some none identifying details that the doner wrote which made him more real for them. They are both well rounded children (emotionally more stable than some of their friends whom live in stereotypical perfect families).
Its not always easy but parenting never is however I don't think my dc would have it any other way. They have talked about contacting doner when they reach 18 but only to say thank you for the gift of life (not expecting anything more). There's a lot of different types of families these days so it's not abnormal. The most important thing is that you don't keep it a big secret from them and make it more than it is. If you're comfortable with it so will they.
Best of luck.

Yes it’s a possibility. They could also be serial killers. If you really want a child and this is your best method, do it.

not selfish as long as you have enough info for your child to be able to find their donor and siblings in future if they so wish. we went through a lot of counselling and meeting with donor conceived children who stated non anonymity was so vital for them.

Having children

I'm 38 years old and in a struggling marriage but I really want to have children. My husband and I have been together for nearly 11 years but he's always had problems committing to the relationship.
I had to give him an ultimatum after 8 years of dating that he either commits to marrying me or I walk away. He reluctantly agreed to marry me but has dragged his feet every since.
Our marriage had not been easy, we have more bad days than good. We are at the stage where he tells me it's me not him, he's sick of my "moods" and that he can no longer be with me anymore. If I'm honest, it's not even him that I want but a family and security.

I don't even like him half the time but I really want a family and I'm scared that if I don't have children soon, I may never get the chance of becoming a mother. It breaks my heart and fills me with deep sadness.

He tells me I should be happy but how can I be happy when I have to live with the most unusual circumstances. He has taken so much from me but given nothing in return. We didn't even get married officially because he wasn't happy to do so. He refuses to wear a ring, sleep with me or act like he's my husband. I feel he's made a complete mockery of my life and it causes me pain and hurt then anger and resentment towards him.

How will I ever get over this and learn to just be happy?

@MollyJAb you leave him quickly and find someone who you actually love and loves you!
you certainly don't have children with someone in that situation - it would be a nightmare and awful for the kids. it would be better to go it alone and be a single parent.