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Donor conception

For anyone with experience of sperm or egg donation to share support and advice. Please remember this board isn’t for debate about donor conception.

Online donor harassment

16 replies

Milsplus3 · 16/10/2020 17:07

My friend has been looking for a donor on Facebook and she found a man who ticked the boxes. She met him and tried once but unfortunately it didn’t work. The second month (Last week precisely) the man text her asking for a relationship and to have sex with her. She said no and he has since verbally assaulted her and made fun of her for being uncomfortable with his request. She has blocked him but he text on another number calling her names and that he will ‘out’ her on the Facebook group. She’s clearly very upset and worried that another donor will avoid her from this ‘mans‘ claims against her. I’ve encouraged her to contact the group admin and send the messages but she is worried about backlash as he has her address and photos of her and her children that he could make public without her knowledge. Is it best to let it go quietly or report him?

OP posts:
OhHolyJesus · 16/10/2020 17:34

Please encourage to report it, it's harassment and intimidation.

What claims does he make, that she lead him on?

She should report to the FB group admin at a minimum and I would suggest she also report to the police due to the threats of 'outing' and the fact he has he address, or at the very least keep a diary and proof of the texts, or any of the contact he made.

When you said she 'tried', was that natural conception/sex or with DIY insemination?

Milsplus3 · 16/10/2020 18:36

Thank you it was the ‘turkey baster’ method.
She said he was fine at that meet up and didn’t give her an impression he was that type of person. He claims he asked her if she wanted a relationship but it isn’t the same as outright asking for one Hmm and now says that she is paranoid and has it all wrong. He had asked her several times to travel to his home and ‘sleep over in the same bed to make babies’ but claims he didn’t mean sex. He is angry she doesn’t want him to donate for her again. I am very relieved she didn’t fall pregnant by him.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 17/10/2020 01:24

Another vote to report, he sounds vile. Hmm lm sure she has it all wrong Shock

throwaway100000 · 17/10/2020 01:26

Report to 102

throwaway100000 · 17/10/2020 01:26

101*

throwaway100000 · 17/10/2020 01:29

Also please tell her to not hunt for donors on fb. You’re much more likely attract these strange and “unprofessional” weirdos. Sperm donors shouldn’t be asking for sex etc like this. He’s certainly crossed a line.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/10/2020 01:32

Looking for sperm on FB? What could possibly go wrong?

He needs reporting but seriously?

OhHolyJesus · 17/10/2020 08:33

I think the whole sperm donor online thing is extremely dangerous. They are basically hook up sites/groups for men. The women are vulnerable and are taking a risk.

I've read other threads where posters explain that STD tests are done and he gets the tests results by text but that this isn't a guarantee. Why wouldn't you want a guarantee?

Aside from the dangers to your health with STIs and STDs from 'natural conception' (just call it what it is, sex), there are dangers to your safety. Even if background checks are done there is no way of knowing if the man is dangerous or not. How do you know you won't be raped and murdered? Is there a background check done with the websites and groups?
Do they have family history?

If a man wants to sow his oats but not be involved in a potential child's life, what does that say about him?

Even the clinics can't be 100% relied upon. Here's a very recent story from the US for you to share OP:

The case involves Donor 9623, who claimed in his donor profile that he had an IQ of 160, was working on his PhD in neuroscience engineering and had no health problems. But when Donor 9623's name was accidentally releasedd_ to some families in 2014, and those families looked him up, the truth came out: he was a college dropout who had been diagnosed with schizophrenia and jailed for burglary.
Early in his donor career, Donor 9623's sperm was sold to Wendy and Janet Norman, who used it to conceive their son, A.A., born in 2002. According to court filings, A.A. has experienced multiple episodes of suicidal and homicidal ideation, takes ADHD, anti-depressant and anti-psychotic medications, and has needed several extended hospitalizationss_. A.A. and his parents only learned about the donor's health and personal issues in 2017, when they did an internet search.
The Normans allege that Xytex claimed to carefully screen a donor's health, criminal history and family history, to rigorously interview and physically examine their donors, and to require a donor to update his medical history every six months; any "medically significant" information would be passed on to families, they allege Xytex said. It turns out, however, that the donor lied. And when Xytex learned of the discrepancies years later, in 2014, they did not inform the Normans.
Donor 9623 has been the subject of more than a dozen lawsuits. Cases in California and Florida have settled, but those in Georgia have been dismissed as nothing more than "wrongful birth" cases — and the state doesn't recognize wrongful birth.

Milsplus3 · 17/10/2020 09:24

Thanks all, I do agree it’s a risky thing to do but it’s what she wants and I can’t force her otherwise. She’s 40 and feels she’s running out of time so I understand the desperation. I have urged her to only meet with someone with a friend next time, for safety and to use a throw away number. I am ttc too so I can see why some ladies are blinded by the need for a baby and overlook the dangers. It is worrying though. I did show her a case of a man who had the snip and hurt a lot of ladies who weren’t falling pregnant and thought they had problems, it’s very sad.

OP posts:
OnTheBenchOfDoom · 17/10/2020 09:30

I am assuming that the reason she isn't going through a clinic is financial. Has she looked into the cost?

This is surely much safer than meeting randoms on fb offering sperm.

OhHolyJesus · 17/10/2020 10:07

I can see why some ladies are blinded by the need for a baby and overlook the dangers.

I think that's where the problem lies, I don't say this without understanding the overwhelming desire to become a mother but surely it's not worth risking your own life over?

I also imagine the reason why she's not gone through a clinic is because of the cost but aside from the immediate dangers the long term ones about a child not knowing their father or being able to track him down, and other siblings, or even being born with a hereditary disease or condition because she went the cheap/free route could be dust around for the child.

I mean there are very good reasons why the HFEA and clinics exist.

She's an adult so can take responsibility for her own life and actions but in this case she will need to take responsibility for those impacting a child too, as all mothers do really.

Any one man can appear nice and lovely and calm and friendly in one meeting where he ends up getting his rocks off!

I think the story I shared above shows even the clinics cannot guarantee what they promise, a man distributing sperm intended for pregnancy and children operating on his own is bound by nothing.

I'm sorry OP, I'm sure you're friend is lovely and desperate but I think she's being very, very foolish and I'm worried for her safety.

I hope she reports him to the police as well as to the FB group. She's probably not the only one.

throwaway100000 · 17/10/2020 11:56

Being desperate makes her vulnerable and susceptible to abuse

Milsplus3 · 17/10/2020 14:01

Thanks for your concerns I will show her this thread so she can see the implications, she has come off the group for now

OP posts:
Nopenotsureigiveahoot · 17/10/2020 15:50

I have used a donor, I would recommend stating that you are only interested in artificial insemination and not natural. This is one good way to weed out men like this. I would also advise meeting up with a donor on a friendship basis first and then taking any necessary health checks together. When you know that you are ovulating, set a date with the donor in a hotel/neutral place and let your friends and family know about it. You could also bring someone with you, there is no reason to meet alone if you are uncomfortable with it. Definitely report this man.

throwaway100000 · 17/10/2020 17:14

That’s a good start but she should really report this to the police. This man clearly has a screw loose and she can’t be sure he’ll leave her alone

AmandainHull · 17/11/2020 22:01

Ugh. Facebook groups. Why has it come to this?

Surely the government should fund donating and run it from a proper clinic. But I suppose the banks would complain with the big profits they make .

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