To donor conceived adults ...

[Hopeandlight]

If you're a donor conceived adult reading this I would be extremely grateful if you felt able to share how you feel about having been conceived by egg donation?

My partner and I are considering this (his sperm with a donor egg) as this is now realistically the only way we will have another child and be able to give our daughter (conceived with my egg and my partner's sperm through ivf) a sibling.

Thank you so much.

Congratulations on a beautiful daughter. Here is a site that has a lot of stories from donor-conceived adults. There's a mix of emotion and feelings and stories. I think you are smart to think through all this beforehand.
www.wearedonorconceived.com/personal-stories/baby-brother/

I found this for you OP. There are several stories of donor conceived adults available on this channel.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChwdgQDLzLBfFxLLfobyoyw

And this woman, Millie Fontana, has spoken about her experience as a donor conceived child to a lesbian couple.

www.dcnetwork.org/ will probably provide a more balanced and informed view of donation. Loads of stories and guidance. The important thing to note that the law in UK pre 1991 in regards to anonymity which may have caused some issues for donor conceived children. Also a lot of people werent told about their donor status until they were older and they can cause potentially cause psychological damage.
This summarizes the law www.hfea.gov.uk/donation/donors/rules-around-releasing-donor-information/
www.ngalaw.co.uk/knowledge-centre/donor-conception-at-fertility-clinics-uk-law
So the oldest kids who will learn about their donor status are only 15 at the moment. So am not sure they have left much of a footprint yet on the web.

There is really no short cut apart from going through a proper counselling session with a qualified person specializing in egg donation, especially if you are having lots of questions.

Sorry i meant there were 2 law changes one in 1991 and the other in 2005 that made donation non anonymous. This makes the oldest children conceived by nonanonymous donation (will find out as adult) aged 15

That's UK though right tikha?

There are, currently and historically, anonymous donor gametes available in many countries, some countries insist upon it, and there are many differences between countries, even within the EU, so there are now adults who were donor conceived who are now speaking out about their experiences, as noted in the link you shared.

The woman, Millie, who I shared her you tube video of earlier, is now 26/27.

thembeforeus.com/millie-fontana/

No one can predict how a child may feel as an adult, being donor conceived, including the child themselves. Many will be fine about it, others won't be.

Another woman who has spoken about this OP, (though her circumstances are a bit different as she was born as a result of a traditional surrogacy arrangement (so was related to her surrogate mother as it was her egg) is Jessica Kerns:

nypost.com/2014/06/16/children-of-surrogacy-campaign-to-outlaw-the-practice/

I imagine there is lot for you to explore OP, from the questions of related siblings from the same eggs to the health of the donor and the lack of research.

www.weareeggdonors.com/blog/tober-interview

@OhHolyJesus this is UK specific and the stories you have shared are part of the reason why several countries in Europe have changed to non-anonymous donation. I am under the impression that @Hopeandlight is UK based. DC network is not UK specific, more of a USA slant.

@tikha oh I read it entirely differently.

Mumsnet is global and the OP asked for donor conceived adults and as you point out, if looking for U.K. based only the OP would be looking to find adults who maybe live in the U.K. but who were donor conceived elsewhere, as the rule change in 2004/05 would not make children who are donor conceived adults as yet.

Whilst the HFEA has rules and restrictions they only apply to the U.K. so people can and do go outside of the U.K., sometimes to actively seek anonymous donor gametes. The adults the OP is looking to contact do have public platforms and I would suggest contacting them directly to find out more. Or maybe other boards on Mumsnet could help.

@tikha

Sorry i meant there were 2 law changes one in 1991 and the other in 2005 that made donation non anonymous. This makes the oldest children conceived by nonanonymous donation (will find out as adult) aged 15

Thanks tikha for pointing that essential point out - I hadn't done my maths properly. As you say the nonanonymous children won't be adults yet - sorry for loading this thread incorrectly.

There is a BBC documentary on iplayer atm
www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p08s65z2/25-siblings-me
25 siblings and me.

I think it gives food for thought.

It is fairly common in India to use donor gametes & I have a lot of family on DH’s side with 18-20 year old children conceived this way. Over there this is seen as something very socially acceptable because the use of ‘donor gametes’ or something like that is described in a variety of Hindu religious texts. The kids often know from a very young age and genetic checkups are fairly common before marriage to ensure things like traits / disorders are caught. But like anything it depends on your family - the ones who love and adore and accept their kids never lose them for any reason really. None of the donor kids I know even want to meet their biological families - there’s just no desire.

But I imagine things would be different in the UK especially if a childhood has been less than perfect.

@RedToothBrush

There is a BBC documentary on iplayer atm www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p08s65z2/25-siblings-me 25 siblings and me.

I think it gives food for thought.

That documentary has been roundly panned on a DC adults fb group I'm in, although they are mostly people who are unhappy with being DC (I've not seen it).

OP - I can't provide the perspective you're after as I was conceived with donor sperm with my mum's eggs, however I can tell you that I love my Dad, I'd love to meet my biological father (very unlikely as I'm pre-1991), and that being DC is quite hard. Some people have no issue with it at all, some find it incredibly distressing, and you have no way of knowing which reaction your child will have.

I'm struggling with it at the moment having just had my son, and wondering where some of his traits come from - there are parts of me (and him) that are derived from a complete stranger, and that feels lonely sometimes. It's a hard feeling to explain, but not knowing half of your biological heritage (and it being systemically hidden from you) can feel quite alienating, and that you're 'apart' from normal society.

DC network is UK based btw - started by a British couple. Not sure where the PP got the idea that it has a US slant to it

DC Network is UK based

Possibly got it confused with the We Are Donor Conceived website which is US-based

Hi, my two year old daughter was conceived with a donor egg, we used a clinic in Spain because we didn’t want to wait on a waiting list for a donor in the UK. I can recommend an excellent book on this subject which helps you explore all of the issues surrounding it, both before and after having a DC child. Three Makes Baby by Jana Rupnow. Also she has a podcast. Half of Me podcast is also very good, made by a donor conceived adult called Ally. I also recommend following @definingmum on Instagram or Facebook, she is a mum to three girls via donor egg and she has an online support community that she runs, with regular webinars on all sorts of subjects.

For children born after the law changed regarding anonymity will they get a letter or anything when they turn 18 telling them they are from a donated gamete and they have the right to know who the donor is or does it depend on their parents (or other) telling them for them to know to ask?

What about children whose parents have been donors themselves, are they told there might be genetic half siblings out there or is that down to the parents to tell them if they choose?

I don't think they get a letter OldBoots, but from age 16 you are able to contact the HFEA to find information about your biological roots and any siblings.

www.hfea.gov.uk/donation/donor-conceived-people-and-their-parents/finding-out-about-your-donor-and-genetic-siblings/

If you weren't told you were donor conceived you wouldn't know to contact them, unless some medical situation came about to prove you were not related to your parents, or only to one parent. The rise in DNA testing kits has revealed a number of donor conceived adults who didn't previously know.

Like this woman who wasn't told, even when she told her parents she was doing the DNA kit, they let her find out via a website that she was donor conceived and has 4 half siblings.

I think it's a really sad but fascinating account of her relationship with her parents as well as how she has gone from being an only child to having a larger family. It sounds as though her parents lied based on fear but whilst she says she understands she sounds like she has struggled with her relationship with her father.

www.vogue.co.uk/arts-and-lifestyle/article/i-found-my-siblings-thanks-to-23andme