Telling family/close friends

[Mathair2020]

Just wondering what your thoughts are on telling family or close friends about donor conception. We've been told double donor is our best option.We haven't started the process yet but just thinking about whether to tell people. We will be open with the child (if we are lucky enough to conceive) but not sure who to tell before then? Would love to hear your thoughts on this

Personally, I think I'd probably discuss fertility issues in a general way with family ('as you know we're having some issues') so that it didn't come as a total surprise. That's just me, though. And then once pregnant I'd probably explain the full situation. But there's no right and wrong.

My DD was conceived with donor sperm, and it's different with us because we're two women, so obviously everyone knew. But we've always talked to her about it chatted about the nice man who helped us out (we've never met him). She's three and has a vague sense of it all, and it doesn't seem to bother her.

Thanks for your reply SarahAndQuack. I think sewing the seed early is a good idea. You must be delighted to have your daughter. It's lovely to hear how well it worked out

My husband and i have just decided to go down the donor route. We will definifely be open with the child. Finding it difficult to tell family about it, as they arent aware of our fertility problems.
@Mathair2020 have you told any of your family yet?
I know we need to do it but keep putting it off!

Hi Okdaisy,

We just told my mother and my sister. We've had a number of failed ivf cycles. I'm sure people wonder. I've been doing a lot of reading about openess and we would like to tell our child if we're lucky enough to conceive. I've read somewhere that it's the child's story to tell so I do wonder if telling family or friends before child is right? I'm hoping that counselling before starting will help? It's a tough one. Maybe it's ok to wait a while. I'm probably over analysing it but it's on my mind

@Okdaisy "I know we need to do it but keep putting it off!"

You really don't need to tell family if you don't want to. I haven't told any family members, nor has DH, they don't know we've tried IVF, they won't be told of we use a donor (not sure if we will as I'm on a programme where they try with my eggs first then donor eggs).
But I don't see it as anybody else's business, I would tell the child if we are fortunate enough to get there, and my family can find out at that stage. Everyone is different, but my family would not he a source of support so I'm not adding to my stress by telling them anything.

Hi JeNeBaguetteRien,

I know what you mean. It's a hard one. We're just going to see how it goes. Best of luck with everything

Good luck @Mathair2020 whatever you decide.
Some people do tell people they're having treatment but maybe keep things a bit vague about when the transfer is, or whatever works best for you. There's no right or wrong, I never would have told my parents when TTC anyway, one of my siblings did, each doing what works for us.

Immediate family and some close friends know about our IVF journey - we found it helpful from a support perspective as it's been quite a long one so far and not over yet; next round (5th) is with donor egg. All have been very supportive - curious I guess which I think is normal but all on board and want the best for us.
We'll be telling the child if we're ever lucky enough to have one!! Amazing donor is UK based so child will be able to trace should they wish to, which we felt was important but that's a personal preference.
Good luck with whatever you decide!

Many thanks for the replies. Best of luck to you all on your journey

look up the Donor Conception Network - they produce really good booklets on this topic. Some focus on how/when to discuss donor conception with your children and some on how/when to share info with family & friends. They also publish picture books for kids explaining various forms of donor conception in terms that young children can understand.

Thank you goodnightsugarpop will check it out

@Mathair2020

Just adding a link to the DCN booklets which help you prepare to tell your family and friends.

www.dcnetwork.org/products/product/talking-friends-and-family-2-booklet-bundle

C xx