Preparing in unusual situation

[Blakatliz]

Has anyone had the experience of a partner not wanting a child, but agreeing because it is important to you?
I am trying to get pregnant, but am also wanting to prepare so that it is the best environment for a child, as well as my relationship!

To make things more complicated in my case, I am in a same sex relationship. She does not want to be the legal parent, and does not have to be. I will essentially be a single parent, with a partner.

However, she has ensured that I use an approach to pregnancy that means she can later become a legal parent. I guess this is a good sign, but it is all unknown whether she will grow to love the child, or be more irritated. We talk about it and aim to keep talking things through, but neither of us can predict unknowns.

So how do I ensure the child feels fully loved even if my partner does not love them? How do I ensure a stable environment for a child, when their mum's partner is there in the household, but is not their parent?

Hiya it sounds a tricky situation but isn’t the first time it’s happened that way! I knew a couple who got together and got married, one of them really wanted kids her wife didn’t so she said well it’s time sensitive for fertility and I’m doing it. No need for you to be too involved. They agreed. Her wife didn’t go to scans etc but they now have twins and both are Mums. The one who originally didn’t want the children absolutely adores them and says she just needed to meet her twins so she understood her feelings. Obviously can’t promise this would happen to you but I wish you (and your partner) lots of luck x

Thank you @BuffyFanForever. It is the unknown that is nerve-wracking... this is a new person and I want to bring them into a happy and stable environment. I guess there is no reason it shouldn't be, because there are plenty of examples where there is a step-parent that lives with the parent. I just don't know these stories.

I know of a same sex couple one of whom (A) already had grown up children and had absolutely no desire to be a parent again but the other (B) wanted a baby.

B had a baby and is a essentially a single mum living with her partner.

A has nothing to do with raising the child and they’re very careful that A doesn’t slip into ‘parenting mode’ by helping out, doing school runs, etc. I feel a bit sad about that to be honest - mostly for the child. I couldn’t imagine growing up living with two adults and one of them doing no helping/playing and constantly reminding me they weren’t my mum.

But, they all seem very happy. So possibly it works perfectly for them.

Hi,
I am sorry to sound a bit harsh, but this is not a good situation to bring a child into. Children do not automatically bring couples together, in fact having a baby is tough and stressful and if your partner is not on board then I would be really worried. Personally, I would seek out some couples counselling with a fertility counsellor who can talk about what it means to have a donor conceived child as well as whether you need to do this completely solo for the good of that child.

I am a single mum by choice to DC twins so I do know how hard this is and how lovely it would be to have a partner on board. Please think about a potential child in this situation rather than yourself. You may like to contact the Donor Conception Network helpline to chat through these issues. They can also signpost you to a counsellor and they have lots of LGBTQ members to talk to.

Best wishes,
C xx

@Blakatliz

Thank you for these. I posted exactly because this is a dilemma, for what is best for a child and not me.

@blueslice - Thank you for sharing an example that seems very similar. I knew I couldn't be the only one! I share your concern about the impact on the child, although we also know that sometimes concerns are not actually an issue for the child (eg same sex couples). I would be interested to know if children mind about an adult being around that is not a parent. Can their child express views yet?

@carajillo - We have been to a fertility counsellor as a couple, and that built on many conversations we had before that. We have thought and talked this through a lot. We dont need a child to bring us together because we are a solid couple. What we discuss is the risk that a child pulls us apart, and actually we fully expect it partly to happen, because my priorities will change massively. We arrange how we will work around that, and acknowledge that we will keep communicating because we cannot predict everything.

I did have the dilemma of whether I had to choose between partner and child (maybe ending a good relationship to be a single mum), but I don't see that this is necessary. I guess it depends on what 'on board' means... My partner describes her role as "a 50's dad", who is physically around but quite hands off.

I want to prepare as much as possible so that my child has a happy and stable environment, and this situation must have happened before... sometimes adults are around children that are not parental, for example step-parents, and if friends are around a lot! Some mothers may even share a house with other people, or they might have lodgers. I would be interested in any other stories about children that are/were often around non-parent adults (preferably living with them), and what the child thought about it. This would really help with reducing any issues or confusions with my child.

Thanks for your responses, I really value your views x

Having just got passed the baby and into toddler stage I really highly doubt that a relationship could withstand that phase... Your entire time is solely taken up by the small human and any help on offer would be a godsend to a sleep deprived human in need of a shower. Whilst I think it can potentially work for older children I think it would be difficult in the first few years and unfortunately would cause a serious divide with your relationship. Besides, the child would inevitably seek comfort in those around them which would include your partner. You need all the support in the world to raise tiny humans and I'd personally find it difficult if my wife stepped back whilst I struggled. Perhaps thinking through some of the practicalities of having a child and asking yourself how that would work for the two of you might be a way to decide whether or not this is for you?

I would be interested to know if children mind about an adult being around that is not a parent. Can their child express views yet?

Yes, but I would never ask: we’re definitely not close enough for me to be asking and even we were then I’m not sure that I would intrude (as much as I want to know the answer!).