Thoughts about the future with DE baby

[sweetpea2000]

This is my first time posting on here. I’ve joined because I’m considering donor egg IVF. It’s so helpful reading people’s stories on here.

I’m just thinking through what it would mean for the future.

I think I’d look at UK treatment, so the child can request details of their donor when they turn 18. With DNA ancestry and social media, it seems likely that children conceived now via ED will make contact with their donor and other genetically related siblings (I actually hate the idea of them being called siblings!) once they reach 18.

It seems to me that many teenagers question their identity anyway and may push against their parents. I’d be really scared of this causing problems.

From what I’ve read, studies into the effect of egg donation in early childhood show that DC children are just as healthy, and the bond with their mother is just as strong . Especially when the child is told from an early age and it is discussed often.

There aren’t really any long term studies, as I guess egg donation has not been commonplace for long enough. There is a lot online from DC adults who seem to really resent the process, largely from families where it wasn’t disclosed early. I find it scary that so many DC adults seem to be against it altogether, and seem really damaged by it. How do you make sense of that?

There are so many heart-warming stories of parents who have taken the DE route thoughtfully and lovingly, and have great experiences of raising DE babies.

But I’m concerned about what will happen 18 years down the line. I worry it would be fine when they were young, but feel like a ticking time bomb as they become teenagers.

I also worry about disclosure – who will know, how to balance privacy and secrecy. I would feel strongly that the child should be able to control who knows their story, but can imagine it would get complicated.

There is so much bullying on social media etc. for kids now, it’s hard to imagine what teenage life will be like 15 years from now. But I’d obviously hate for them to be stigmatised or bullied.

I did read somewhere that DC is becoming much more common (among hetero, same sex and single parents) so may just be much more accepted and less of an issue in 10 or 20 year’s time, which is a reassuring thought. Attitudes to family life have already changed so much.

It would be a shame to close down this opportunity to have a baby out of fear. I know there’s only so much we can know about the future, and this goes with parenting of any child!

I’d really love to hear from DE parents, and anyone who has been through the counselling process for DC and might be able to shed more light on this.

@Cleozeta I am so sorry for your loss and it’s not selfish at all.
As we are close to the treatment ( possibly this month) i have been reading a lot and wanted to be as prepared as possible so as not to make any mistakes. But I guess I will make them anyway! I attended a useful online DCN discussion among couples at different stages of donor conception and those who have just given birth mentioned they also overthought it all in the past but awareness helps as it’s always going to be st the back of your mind as you want the best for your child. My DH when asked how he really feels about it as he’s been very supportive and asked me how I would feel if it was the other way round and then we had a good discussion. I still think I think far more he dies but that’s fine.

@Carajillo how can I find your webinar? Would you be able to share your recording if you have it?

@Leala20
Lucia's excellent webinar is available here:
www.myivfanswers.com/video/becoming-solo-mum/

I can’t tell you how glad I am to have found this thread. Most of the other ones I’ve read have either become negative about DC or focused more on sperm donation rather than DE.

I’m further down the line than you with one DE toddler and an older DD who was conceived spontaneously. We had a lot of pregnancy loss between and eventually it became clear that the only option for a successful pregnancy would be egg donation.

All I can say is I wish I had done it sooner. I was so anxious about whether I would love her as much as the biological child but it has turned out to feel exactly the same and I often don’t give it a thought from week to week. I was also worried about whether the younger one would feel like a lesser sibling with not sharing my genes. We still have that challenge to face but I hope it will be fine with careful handling.

Timescale wise I signed up for the DE waiting list in March. I opted for treatment in the UK as it was important to me that she would be able to trace her donor later as I felt that in the same situation I would want to know Or at least have the option of contacting later. We were told the waiting list would be long but in fact I got the call at my elder DD’s sports day three months later. I was read out the pen picture of the donor over the phone and she sounded so lovely and kind with similar interests to me that by that evening we’d agreed to go ahead. That was June and I was pregnant by August!
I have since been given a copy of the pen picture in the donor’s handwriting which I will show my DD if she asks.

This thread has thrown up a lot of emotions for me. I hadn’t given it much thought while we were coping with lockdown but now I realise we need to start the process of talking to her and her sister about it. Rightly or wrongly we didn’t tell people at conception although people knew we had IVF. I guess we thought it should be her decision to tell people when or if she wants to but now I wonder whether I risk turning it into a dirty little secret and am erring on the side of just getting it out in the open. She looks similar to her sister so I guess it’s never occurred to anyone to question us.

Btw I love diblings too! I wonder if she has any? Do they tell you? She was the result of an eggshare

Sorry that’s probably a bit of a ramble. I actually ordered some books this morning to read with her after reading this thread. There doesn’t seem to be a lot around for school age children though so would be grateful for any recommendations

I would do it again in a heartbeat. She has brought us so much happiness. I had one go with own eggs though, I think I needed closure but that is a very personal decision. Good luck with whatever path you choose and feel free to pm me if you like

@OneDEonenot thank you for your input, it's really interesting to hear. How old is your older child? Mine are 7 &9 so old enough to understand, so we are thinking of telling them along with the pregnancy announcement if we are lucky enough to conceive.
When you say you wish you had told other people sooner, how far are you thinking? My plan was to only tell close relatives (the child's grandparents, Aunt and Uncle) would you go further and tell friends etc? I don't want it to be a 'secret' as such, yet I don't really want to make a big deal of it.
It's hard to know where to draw the line.

Cleozeta, I’m not sure. I have an 8 year old so similar age to yours. I’m more worried about the delay with telling her tbh, she’s becoming very aware but equally she’s likely to tell people so we need to make sure we tell anyone who would be hurt if they heard it from her first.
Regarding how far to go with telling people, I really don’t know. We’ve got a huge family and I’m not sure where to draw the line. It was important to me when she was born that she was treated the same as her sister but maybe I’m being silly about worrying about negative reactions
Actually, a couple of close friends know but not family so far. I’m not planning on telling other friends but equally I’m not sure I want it to be a secret either
It’s so confusing! Good luck with your treatment. I found it much easier than normal IVF. We still have a blastocyst in the freezer but that’s another story!

Hi @OneDEonenot, thanks for joining in. It's great to hear your story of growing your family.
It sounds like you had a good experience of your treatment too - would you be willing to share which clinic you used?

It was Care Northampton. They were great!

I forgot to say, our clinic was out of area for us but Care can offer you a different clinic if there’s a shorter waiting list. There was quite a big variation between clinics for waiting lists

Oh - Northampton is local to me!

There is a prolific YouTube Mum (Amanda Dawn Lewis) who had her little one via DE IVF at Care Northampton too. It seems to get great reviews.

We have 2 DE conceived children who are now 5 and nearly 4. We have always been open about their conception and have books we regularly read to them about their story. My son is just starting to get curious about the process. We used a UK clinic and will support any steps they may wish to take to find out more info about our donor when they are older.

We love our kids absolutely. We can never know what may happen in the future but support them in whatever way we can.

We also used Care Northampton. Altrusitic donor. 1 fresh cycle and one frozen cycle. Both successful.