How do you afford to be a single parent?

[Feelinggoodashell]

Hello

I am considering using a donor to have a child. I have down ivf previously when I was married due to Male factor infertility. We have been separated two years and I still long for a child and to be a mother. I’m slightly battling with if it’s selfish to do this because I want a child and the impact of the potential child. But mainly I am worried about if I can afford it.
I own my own property with a mortgage in London, all my family are out of London so if I did do this I would move to be nearer them so that I have support. Likely my mortgage would stay the same but I could get a two bedroom Rather than my current one bedroom.,
I’m assuming childcare costs will be huge but I think I will have to return to work full time in order to afford mortgage and bills and quality of life.
Living out of London will limit my career options as there are less opportunities . I have quite a unique role in the nhs and I’ve kept my eye on the job site for a while and nothing similar comes up on the site at all In that area.
In an ideal world I would look at starting the process in 2021.
But I’m just worried about the finances and if I am being naive. Has anyone been there? Any advice? Am I over thinking?

You're not overthinking because if you can't pay your mortgage you don't have a home. People save up I think, to augment their maternity pay.

If you plan on doing it alone, I wonder if it might make more sense to rent out your London property and then rent yourself near your family?

I think you need to look at options e.g. if you moved closer to family could childcare help be an option? Could you change roles or move sideways, or could you do a 9 day fortnight so that you have the odd day off with baby. Lots of people find themselves pregnant and having to make life changes very quickly. You have the benefit of time and planning. Also dont worry about being 'selfish' for wanting a child. You only have to read a few MN threads to know that fathers are not always a positive factor in a child's life or run off during the pregnancy. Do consider how you would finance the IVF though as friends who have done this have ended up in significant debt and are still doing rounds because it hasnt worked yet.

I'm a single mum by choice and have two children. I paid for childcare and returned to work part time. It's not easy at times and you do have to tighten your belt.

However, I don't have any leftover debt from treatment costs, although it did wipe out my savings.

How old are you and have you had any fertility tests yet? Will you need IVF or are you young enough to try IUI?

Thank you, I do have savings to allow three rounds of ivf and I will have to agree that I just cannot afford anymore.
Family helping with regular childcare isn’t really an option I want to rely on.
Job wise I will need to ideally look at promotion in order to move nearer parents as I will lose £5000 salary as soon as I move away from London.
Problem is just limited job opportunities.
Financially the best decision is prob to stay in my (large) one bedroom flat until the child is 2-3 and then move. That way my London property keeps increasing in value (hopefully) and I keep my London salary and can progress in work much easier in London.
That downside to that is my family support would be an hour away. And any child I have wouldn’t be as close to their cousins and aunts/uncles grandparents.
I feel like I’m trapped in an impossible decision

@Cally70 I had fertility tests two years ago when I did ivf and all was good. My amh was very good as was everything else. But I’m now 35 so I appreciate this will have changed and I will need to retest but I don’t want to do that until I’m ready to start which won’t really be until next year.

I’m glad that you have found it doable. And even to return to work part time. That’s reassuring.

That's good that your tests were ok before but as you know, fertility drops significantly each year after 35. It took me 5 rounds of IVF. It might be worth you retesting now to see if you can afford to wait another year. Especially if you want to factor in more than one child

When you become a mum you will make a new circle of support.

An hour isn't that bad. My family are 40 mins away on a good run and it's ok.
Basically what I'm saying is there is never a perfect time to have a child so if you're sure it's what you want just do it and make it work.

Save as much money as possible for maternity leave and look in to what help you could get with childcare costs.

Thank you.

Any idea now much a child minder costs? I’m trying to work out my finances to see if I can just go for it this summer

I’m 35 this year and have just found out I’m pregnant after my first iui (single mum by choice). Could be an option to try a round of that first?
My parents live around 40 minutes away and they have luckily offered to help with some childcare, although I’m hoping to be allowed to go part time so won’t need to rely on them.

Congratulations @blossomgem !
If all my tests are still good like last time then I will definitely try iui first . Did you do a stimulated round? When I did ivf a few years ago I didn’t react to the drugs all that well.

I was a single mum just after my baby turned 1. I moved to a cheaper area (45 minute commute by train) so I could afford a better house (decent sized 2 bed with garden) and worked full time. I was "lucky" I had savings and some inheritance from my dad which mean I could put a decent deposited down so my mortgage wasn't extortionate. Mean I could pay the mortgage, bills and childcare on my own.

Didn't have ten luxury of family close by so it was hard especially if I was ill or if my son was. I'd say make sure you have contingency for things like when the child is ill. Can you work from home or take leave etc.

I can work from home if needed and I do have good polices at work like good maternity leave and 5 days paid carers leave when children are sick.
I am also lucky that I have 25% equity in my flat so my mortgage is manageable.
All your advice has been so helpful. I am going to start treatment in the summer and not move yet. While on maternity leave I Think I could move back with my parents for the first 3 months for some support and then although my place is a one bed it’s large with a nice garden so for a year or two it will be absolutely fine.
This way I can wait for the right job to come up near my parents and apply as soon it does without pressure.
I will live very frugally this year and see how much money I can save which should give me an idea of what I will have spare for child care.

Thank you!
No, it was natural. I just had a few scans to check my follicles were growing as they should, then the following month rang in when I detected a surge.

It's a tricky decision and I think you're right to consider it, though also try not to panic and don't get caught up worrying by those stupid articles claiming it costs £50k a year to raise a child and that sort of nonsense!!

Personally, I have no fertility issues and I chose to do home insemination with a sperm donor from Pride Angel, so getting pregnant cost nothing (well it cost about £200 in ovulation testing kits, pregnancy tests, little plastic cups & syringes, train fares & hotel room lol).

I've also chosen to move into a large shared house with two friends - one is a very close friend who will be helping out a lot with the baby, the other is also a good friend but will stay in more of a housemate/occasional babysitter role. So my housing costs now are about 60% of what they were when I was renting a flat by myself, and I'll have live-in support and other adults to talk to. We picked a house on the side of London that's closer to my family (most of them are about 1 hour away).

House sharing is really hard work but when it works out, you get so much more support & space. Do you know any other single parents, or close friends who would be happy to share a home with a mum & baby? Several of the late 20s-early 30s parents I know in London live with housemates/lodgers or paired up with other parents to live communally.

I know that not everyone can or would want to make those choices about conception or housing, but that's how I'm going to make it work and I'm happy with the situation.

You mention you have 25% equity in your flat and you May wait a few years and then move closer to family...

If you have 50% or more equity in your flat by then you can do a nifty thing whereby you turn the mortgage on London property into a buy to rent mortgage ( you need over 50% equity to do this) and then you 'port' your normally residential mortgage to house you want to buy near your family.

I was in lucky position to do this when I got pregnant ( non medicated iui ar lwc) and I over 50% equity in London property. I got a b extra out on that landlord mortgage to cover paying deposit and stamp duty for house close to my family.

I almost think of the rental income as the equivalent of a second parent income who works part time if that makes sense.

I didn't even think something like this was possible but a friend who was a financial adviser and had done similar advises me.

Also another thing to thing about - I love being a single mum but it's hard. I am so glad I moved closer to family to help me through some of the more difficult times ( lack of sleep, illness etc ) if not moving close to family straight away try and get good support network around you.

Good luck xxxxx

Can't give advice about mortgages and the like as I've always rented. But family only 1h away is great. Mine is all in another country so I see them 2 weeks a year on average.

I have found that reliable friends /colleagues are just as good, sometimes better than family.

Fwiw I think your decision to stay for now in your current place is very wise. Imagine you moved and it didn't work the first couple of times. You'd have taken a financial hit on top of the cost of treatment. There's always time to move when the child is older. My son's 16months and still sleeping in the laundry room turned into a bedroom... (he'll get a proper room in a few months when we move to another country).

I agree that thinking about childcare/emergency options is a good idea as well, see if you have any neighbours /friends/colleagues that could help out.