How do you get your head around using donor eggs?

[twinkledag]

Apologies if this sounds incredibly inconsiderate or if I use the wrong terminology.

I'm at the tail end of yet another failed IVF cycle trying for a sibling for DS. Facing the prospect of donor egg/adoption/fostering.

Trying to get my head around donor eggs. How would I feel about having a child not genetically related to me? Would I love DS more? Would it be the right thing to pursue this? Is it ethical/fair?

Or Is it better to adopt a child that is genetically not related to either me or DH?

Your stories would be welcome 😊

Hi twinkledag,

Your questions are completely normal! The first thing I would really recommend is to contact the Donor Conception Network helpline on 020 72682608 where they will be happy to talk through all your concerns. They have lots of members who have mixed families like you are planning (naturally conceived and donor conceived). They also produce a booklet which you can buy online called 'Mixed Blessings' which is very helpful. Another consideration is that if you stay in the UK for treatment you do get at least one cycle of free counselling which can help you go through all your questions. Do bear in mind that UK clinics have ID release donors so your child can find out the identity of their donor when they are 18. I have donor conceived children from Spain where there is no information on the donors and it matters to my kids. www.dcnetwork.org/

@twinkledag sorry your cycle has been unsuccessful and you’re finding yourself here.

I only have a chid from a donor egg, so I can’t compare with having a child who is genetically related to me. What I can say though is that they feel completely mine and I don’t think I could love them more if they were genetically related to me.

We moved on to donor eggs after having to accept that after 5 fresh unsuccessful own egg cycles we were extremely unlikely to have success with my eggs and I reached the point where I felt I couldn’t go through another futile cycle stims. In hindsight, in some ways I wish we’d moved to donor eggs sooner rather than going through all the failed cycles and the crap that goes with that.

I think it’s completely normal to worry that you’d love your DS more, but I don’t think you would as you’ve been so much to get to this point and another baby will be so desperately wanted that you’ll just be extremely grateful they’re here however that happened. Also it’s not like you won’t involved in the process-you’ll have carried them and given birth to them.

I don’t think adopting would be better. Different but not better. Adopting is a completely different way of having a child and it is about finding suitable parents for the child rather than finding a child for you. The adoption process comes with a whole different set of things to consider and different stresses.

I think a good counsellor can help you with the other questions, but they all sound like very normal concerns to me and the fact that you are so aware of these issues and are worrying about comparing a donor child unfavourably to your son means you can address these concerns before you make any firm decisions.

Adoption and donor pregnancy are completely different issues, don't conflate them out of some sense of 'fairness'
If you have a donor egg your body will still provide every building block of the baby's body. Every cell will be made from you. You will most likely attach to it the way you would attach to any pregnancy.
Adoption is also a good route to parenthood if you want to do it.

If it helps, people using donated eggs do pass on some of their genetics to the baby too, small amounts but still there:

lehmannhaupt.com/2016/01/06/becoming-a-solo-mom-via-assisted-reproductive-technology-donor-eggs/

So the resulting baby would have a part of you in there, your body would have helped make them who they are x

I just wanted to point out that this is not what epigentics is! The two genetic parents of a child provide all the DNA. Your body cannot change DNA but uterine environment does have the ability to 'switch' on and off certain genes expressed at the epigenetic level. Micro Rna does appear to move between mum and foetus but that does not change the DNA of your child. The baby will have none of your DNA I'm afraid! Of course nurture is very important as is nature. My children look like their donors not me and that is because their DNA comes from their donors. Of course they have my figure of speech etc as that is also influenced by nature. Just wanted to clarify that. www.bionews.org.uk/page_95263

Thank you all for your replies.

Hi twinkledag, just wondered what you did in the end? Have you gone on to have a DE child? I’m in the same situation as you were so interested to hear where you ended up with it. Thank you x

Apologies just seen this. We went ahead with egg donation and both FETs failed 🙁.

Will try again in new year.

What stage are you at?