Not telling anyone about sperm donation

[akmum18]

How many people decided not to tell anyone their baby was conceived by sperm donation?
What did you tell your child when they got older and asked about their father/plan to tell them if you didn’t/don’t want them to know?

I don't have personal experience but a good friend used a sperm donor as she's single and she has decided to be open about it to her child and everyone. I think she did talk to councillors before and that was the advice. She doesn't broadcast it, but it's not a secret either if you see what I mean. To her child they are a single parent family and she will explain it all once her child is old enough to understand and ask. Of course things might be different if there is a father in the picture. Ultimately it needs to be something everyone is comfortable with maybe? Sorry not sure if this helps!

I'm afraid I'm coming at the situation from the other perspective; I would be very uncomfortable not telling a donor-conceived child about their genetic origins. For context, I'm single and currently 11w pregnant after double-donor IVF. My plan is very much to be open with the child from so early on that they're never aware of learning about it; hopefully it'll just be something they've always known.

It's a very personal thing, of course. But nowadays, there are so many ways for people to find out more about their genes, which I think is something to factor in. I would worry that it could create a rift in the relationship between parent and child, I'd that kind of information comes to light later in life and has been concealed.

Are you asking this as a single woman/someone in a same-sex relationship, or would this be in the context of a m/f relationship? I guess the other thing to factor in would be, if there's no male figure present and you don't explain the situation and just never talk about their biological father, what might a donor-conceived child infer from that? Some of the possibilities could be quite distressing, which I'm sure you'd want to avoid.

Personally, I think that as origin stories go, knowing that all the people involved in bringing you into being really wanted you to be in the world and went out of their way to make that happen is a pretty cool one. But for you right now, if this is something you're turning over, I'd recommend getting some counselling from someone specialist in this area. Fertility clinics usually provide access to this type of counselling. (I will say that I have come across people online who are leaning towards not telling, who felt that counselling pushed them towards considering the idea of telling, so for additional context I will also say that when I had this type of counselling as someone who does want to tell, the conversation included getting me to think about the option of not telling - it's very much the counsellor's job to get you to think about all possibilities, not that they're pushing one agenda.) What they can also do is help you to think through approaches and strategies and what you might want to say or not say in what circumstances - basically, help you to figure out your personal approach and what will work for you.

Best of luck!

I don't really have the option not to tell DD as we're a same-sex couple, but she's 2 and quite happy to tell people she has no daddy and two mummies, as we've always talked about it.

All the advice is that you should tell a child how they were conceived. TBH I agree with persipan (congratulations on your pregnancy btw!). It's wrong to lie about it.

We currently have a 4year old and we are a same sex couple. We talked about it and because we have no option but to be honest about it we decided that when she starts to ask questions we answer her in an age appropriate way. Right now shes not shy at all about telling people she has 2 mums its just everyday life to her, her teachers do a 'my family' topic is nursery and shes always the first to talk about her family.

Emma Donoghue, author of The Room, has written beautifully about openness about donor conception:

harpers.org/archive/2015/08/the-donor/
What follows may sound harsh, but I hope it helps you go ahead with a clear view and make choices that consider your children's and your family's welfare.
There is a lot of historical evidence that secrecy is damaging - that's why the law has been changed for adoption and donor conception. If you feel it's something to be ashamed of, you need to consider your children's right to respect: that is respect for the truth, not a lie... The current interest in genealogy and DNA testing means that secrecy is no longer an option. People who find out their parents lied to them about their identity / origins often find it hard to foorgive...