Hello everyone! I know that nobody can make a decision for me but I am absolutely petrified and I want to know if it's normal to feel this way. This is going to be long so I do apologise for the length too!
Long story short, I've been single for 4 years and wanted a baby since I was 18, I am now 25. I bought a pink baby snuggle blanket 7 years ago and tucked away for my future child - so this is how long I've wanted babies for! But unfortunately I've been through hell with dating and relationships. I did plan to have children with my ex, but he ended up leaving me for someone else and I've been single since. During that process I have had guys ruin my confidence, mess me around and not even want a relationship, let alone kids. Most men even make out that I am alien for wanting kids in my twenties.
I have been through extreme psychological pain and worry because I want children SO badly. It even physically hurts where I should be carrying one at times. I could look at pregnant women and couples and wonder, "When is this going to happen for me? " And I could do this hundreds of times a day and this has gone on for years. But people keep telling me to, "Get married, focus on your career and find the right person". Well, I listened. I delayed having kids, got my degree and I finally got a VERY lucky break. I now work from home at £20 an hour and I am training as a freelance copywriter which will make my pay go up - but no "Right person". I even lost my motivation because everything I did over the past years was for my future children, from giving up smoking to getting a degree and moving to a better area (not ideal, but much better!). Without that, I had an extreme existential crisis and felt like my hard work went down the drain because in that sense, I feel ready for a baby.
So, I went looking into sperm banks but they only do this through fertility clinics which are super expensive and I don't need all of the uncessecary scans, tests and fertility treatments. Plus £1000 a pop through AI sounds too nerve wracking as I'll probably screw it up. So I went looking for a donor online and came across some horrific stories, weirdos and men who have conceived 500+ children - until I luckily found a donor who is my age through an app. We both agreed to use AI, he has had 4 successful pregnancies in the past too.
He is a lovely and attractive young man, he gave me all of his STD checks and even gave me a legal contract to sign. He has been so supportive and professional too. But I previously have backed out before and let him down... But recently I said I wanted to do this and made arrangements again and I am panicking and wondering if I am doing the right thing. Because this still feels strange, I did want a father for my child and to be in a relationship but due to my past, I can never trust again. Plus, on the other hand delaying my plans to have a child even more because of a man sounds absurd to me.
The strange thing is, this man is from Canada and he will be in London for a few days - the EXACT days in my fertile window and the day I will be ovulating. Plus, I even looked up the due date and the timing and everything looked perfect to me. So I am just wondering if this is really meant to be...
But yes, I am aware that it may not work. Because I have never tried to get pregnant before and I have only had sex with one person in my life - So I have been feeling sick with nerves! I am desperate to get pregnant at this stage yet it scares me SO much. I sometimes feel like it's not normal to feel THIS scared to try for a baby... I think it's because I've wanted this for so long. I feel like I can't let this opportunity go by yet I am too scared. The thought of giving birth, unintentionally harming the baby or eating the wrong thing is making my palms sweaty as I write this. Plus, the thought of a negative pregnancy test scares me too.
I also tried talking to my parents but they don't like the idea. It even ended in very bad arguments with my mother, so I don't want to mention this any more to her. But I know they'll support me if it did work out. I just don't want to talk to them as they'll try to talk me out of it. As for friends, I have one who supports the idea.
I really wish to get into contact with some women who have done this as it's SO nerve wracking! ANY advice would be so much appreciated on this end too! - Also, sorry for the length!
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
On the Mumsnet Donor Conception forum, you can discuss sperm and egg donation with people in the same situation.
Donor conception
Found a donor and made arrangements - Absolutely petrified! Am I doing good the right thing?!
24 replies
amyjaneox · 07/07/2019 12:52
OP posts:
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.