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Donor conception

Found a donor and made arrangements - Absolutely petrified! Am I doing good the right thing?!

24 replies

amyjaneox · 07/07/2019 12:52

Hello everyone! I know that nobody can make a decision for me but I am absolutely petrified and I want to know if it's normal to feel this way. This is going to be long so I do apologise for the length too!

Long story short, I've been single for 4 years and wanted a baby since I was 18, I am now 25. I bought a pink baby snuggle blanket 7 years ago and tucked away for my future child - so this is how long I've wanted babies for! But unfortunately I've been through hell with dating and relationships. I did plan to have children with my ex, but he ended up leaving me for someone else and I've been single since. During that process I have had guys ruin my confidence, mess me around and not even want a relationship, let alone kids. Most men even make out that I am alien for wanting kids in my twenties.

I have been through extreme psychological pain and worry because I want children SO badly. It even physically hurts where I should be carrying one at times. I could look at pregnant women and couples and wonder, "When is this going to happen for me? " And I could do this hundreds of times a day and this has gone on for years. But people keep telling me to, "Get married, focus on your career and find the right person". Well, I listened. I delayed having kids, got my degree and I finally got a VERY lucky break. I now work from home at £20 an hour and I am training as a freelance copywriter which will make my pay go up - but no "Right person". I even lost my motivation because everything I did over the past years was for my future children, from giving up smoking to getting a degree and moving to a better area (not ideal, but much better!). Without that, I had an extreme existential crisis and felt like my hard work went down the drain because in that sense, I feel ready for a baby.

So, I went looking into sperm banks but they only do this through fertility clinics which are super expensive and I don't need all of the uncessecary scans, tests and fertility treatments. Plus £1000 a pop through AI sounds too nerve wracking as I'll probably screw it up. So I went looking for a donor online and came across some horrific stories, weirdos and men who have conceived 500+ children - until I luckily found a donor who is my age through an app. We both agreed to use AI, he has had 4 successful pregnancies in the past too.

He is a lovely and attractive young man, he gave me all of his STD checks and even gave me a legal contract to sign. He has been so supportive and professional too. But I previously have backed out before and let him down... But recently I said I wanted to do this and made arrangements again and I am panicking and wondering if I am doing the right thing. Because this still feels strange, I did want a father for my child and to be in a relationship but due to my past, I can never trust again. Plus, on the other hand delaying my plans to have a child even more because of a man sounds absurd to me.

The strange thing is, this man is from Canada and he will be in London for a few days - the EXACT days in my fertile window and the day I will be ovulating. Plus, I even looked up the due date and the timing and everything looked perfect to me. So I am just wondering if this is really meant to be...

But yes, I am aware that it may not work. Because I have never tried to get pregnant before and I have only had sex with one person in my life - So I have been feeling sick with nerves! I am desperate to get pregnant at this stage yet it scares me SO much. I sometimes feel like it's not normal to feel THIS scared to try for a baby... I think it's because I've wanted this for so long. I feel like I can't let this opportunity go by yet I am too scared. The thought of giving birth, unintentionally harming the baby or eating the wrong thing is making my palms sweaty as I write this. Plus, the thought of a negative pregnancy test scares me too.

I also tried talking to my parents but they don't like the idea. It even ended in very bad arguments with my mother, so I don't want to mention this any more to her. But I know they'll support me if it did work out. I just don't want to talk to them as they'll try to talk me out of it. As for friends, I have one who supports the idea.

I really wish to get into contact with some women who have done this as it's SO nerve wracking! ANY advice would be so much appreciated on this end too! - Also, sorry for the length!

OP posts:
Maniak · 07/07/2019 12:56

Don't do it! Just my opinion.

Shakennotshook · 07/07/2019 12:57

You're only 25, so much time to meet someone and settle down.

Elementalillusions · 07/07/2019 12:58

The fact that he just happens to be in the uk and your city during your ovulation window rings alarm bells for me.

Alwaysgrey · 07/07/2019 13:00

You’re only 25!!! Please please wait a bit longer. You never know who you might meet. If you were late 30s I’d maybe consider it but not at all at your age.

amyjaneox · 07/07/2019 13:01

He told me the dates before I gave him my ovulation dates. He said as long as your ovulation is between late August and the 1st of September, he can do it. And believe me, if I kept hoping that I'd meet the right person - it would NEVER happen for me

OP posts:
amyjaneox · 07/07/2019 13:02

Sorry if I sound insensitive and stubborn 😞 Thanks guys, I'll keep that in mind. It's just my fertility will go down at 30, that's what worries me

OP posts:
TheyCallMeMellowYellow · 07/07/2019 13:04

This is the craziest thing I have ever read.

What's in it for him?

How weird.

S1naidSucks · 07/07/2019 13:10

So are you going to keep his details for your baby to know who who he is? Or is your baby going to grow up knowing that he/she was conceived as a result of a stranger deliberately impregnating her/his mother? Have you any thought to how your future child will view her/his origins? I know there are children born through one night stands or whose fathers have walked out of their lives, etc, but this is very different.

Whisky2014 · 07/07/2019 13:56

I wouldn't do it.

Tbh I think you could do with some therapy. You are obsessed.
In time, you will meet someone and have a family.

Summertimeatthebeach · 07/07/2019 14:02

After some disastrous relationships - and marriages - I met my dh and had a dc at 43... You have years left op..

Pomegranatemolasses · 07/07/2019 14:06

Please don't do this. You sound obsessed and I think some counselling is called for. You're only 25, you have years left.

Please abandon this crazy plan, and talk to a professional to see if you can unpick the problems that are causing your unbalanced thinking and behaviour.

Whisky2014 · 07/07/2019 14:08

Fertility does decline from around 30 but not really in any significant way. After 35 is when it may become a concern.
You have 10 years really in the safe zone if you have no fertility issues
Try and enjoy YOUR LIFE before rushing to create another.

7sausagedoggys · 07/07/2019 14:24

I'm going against the tide but I don't think it's a terrible idea.

Teateaandmoretea · 07/07/2019 14:37

Fertility is a personal thing I don't think it goes down much at 30 though even across the whole population. If you really worry about 30 then revisit the idea when you are 29 and concentrate on enjoying the next 4 years of your life. You are fairly likely to meet the right person in this time also if you relax a bit and surely this would be your choice over a baby with some random Canadian?

Twolittlespeckledfrogs · 07/07/2019 14:42

Can you tell us more about your plans for your future life with this baby? Who will look after your baby when you go back to work? How long will you be able to afford to take for maternity leave? Who will be your support network? How would you manage if you were admitted to hospital for weeks before the birth? Or if your baby was born so early that you had to spend months going back and forth to the neonatal unit?

You say that you can’t use a clinic because it’s too expensive. That suggests you don’t haven’t been saving to prepare for parenthood. The expenses involved just in taking a maternity leave are far more than the cost of IUI.

Before I had my child I was considering trying to have a baby by myself. In the end after putting a lot of effort into seriously dating I met my partner and we now have two children together. I now realise how much harder my life would have been if I’d done it alone. I simply would not have coped. I’m so grateful now for waiting. Not least because my children as a result have really amazing grandparents who are a really important part of my lives whereas my parents are miles away and not interested.

MohairMenace · 07/07/2019 15:01

“He even have me a legal contract to sign”

It is absolutely clear you have no idea what you’re talking about. We had another 25 year old here in the same situation a while back (same poster?) she also seemed to have no grasp of the legal ramifications of what she was doing, but throwing an international donor into the mix makes it all the more complex.

Seriously, you need to pay for some specialist legal advice before you go any further.

singlemummaofone · 07/07/2019 15:05

OP, as long as the contract doesn't have anything catastrophic in it, I'd probably go ahead with it.

I was desperate for a baby from about 20 years of age. So desperate, that I put up with a controlling abusive narc just because he claimed to also want a child. After 7 months of 'trying' (we'd only been together a month before we started ttc), I was pregnant.

I left when I was 6 months pregnant due to the abuse and the cheating and he's not been in touch since then but it's a constant thought that he may show up on my door and try to claim access to my child.

In short, I think doing it this way would give you more peace of mind and maybe even your very-wanted little baby. Go for it!

goodnightsugarpop · 07/07/2019 22:37

hey OP. I don't think you're too young or that there's anything wrong with wanting to be a single parent by choice. Or with finding a sperm donor via an app/website and making a private arrangement, rather than going to a clinic. I'm a bit older than you (33) but this is the situation I'm in.

What I do think you should do at this point is slow down and think some more. I know it's so easy to feel like time is running out and that good donors are one in a million, but neither of these things are true. You almost certainly have at LEAST ten more years to get pregnant. There are lots of nice, sane, stable men out there who are interested in being sperm donors by private arrangement.

Things that concern me about this guy:

  1. he is also quite young. When I started looking for a donor I only messaged men over 30 because I wasn't convinced that guys in their 20s had the maturity to really think through what they were doing.
  2. if he has told you that this contract is legally binding, he is ignorant or lying. There is no such thing as a legally binding sperm donation contract. Lots of people like to write & sign contracts for their own peace of mind and to help them work out what they want, but these documents will NOT stand up in court. If he changes his mind and decides to sue for custody, a contract won't stop him.
  3. Statistically speaking you probably will not get pregnant the first time. You want to find a donor who will be reliable and show up for you every month until you get pregnant - whether that's 2 months or a year or more - not a guy who lives in another country who thinks he can swing by one time and knock you up on the first go.

    I really, really, really strongly recommend you look into counselling or therapy. Especially if you don't have many close friends/family to support you through this. I found a brilliant therapist who is a lesbian mother herself and is helping me work through so much stuff. There is affordable therapy out there and there are lots of therapists who have experience supporting women through all aspects of conception, pregnancy & motherhood.
candycane222 · 08/07/2019 08:21

This will sound harsh, but - however much you want to br pregnant and have a baby, I'm not sure you are yet ready to be a good parent. This child would basically have the responsibility of 'making everything all right' for you. All of us who choose to have children do so for selfish reasons. I accept, but you sound so desperate and obsessed with your own feelings that I think there is a danger that you might struggle to see any child as an individual an their own right, and not just "My Baby".

I am honestly a bit worried about you and I think you need to talk to your GP or a counsellor about the way you feel. None of us can fully control life, and that includes whether or not we can have kids and of course who they are, and with what needs, if we do. I feel you ned to work on getting some resilience to life's unpredictability so that you can become the best parent you can be. It would be an investment in yourself as a person and as a potential parent. I think you owe it to any children you have, to do this for them first.

Cutesbabasmummy · 19/07/2019 12:53

Hey op. I had my son at 39. You gave time. I think you need some counselling to sort your head out a bit. Parenting is hard when there are 2 of you. This man wont even be in the same country as you to give you a break or help with the baby. You say you bought a pink snuggle blanket- what if you have a boy? You need to back out and have a good think about this.

ChipButtie · 19/07/2019 13:05

It won’t be what you want to hear, but I think you are far too young to be considering going down this route.

Having a child alone is extremely difficult. It should be a last resort, not a first option at 25.

LittleAndOften · 19/07/2019 13:09

You won't feel it until you are older, but 25 is really young to be worried about your biological clock ticking! I'm 40 and pg with my second. I had my first at 37. Chill out and go talk this through with someone. Parenting is tough enough with 2, I can't imagine how anyone would deliberately undertake it on their own. Certainly don't do it because you're worried about your age!

emengel · 24/07/2019 15:26

I know it's no good tellling you you're too young to be worried, you're obviously in a right state! But it might help you to choose a good way forwards if you talked to others who are in the same position - the choice you're considering has many drawbacks, especially for your future child. If you join the Donor Conception Network, you will have access to regional meetings of others thinking along the same lines, where you can talk through your plans and hear how others have evaluated the options.
I have been involved with the single women in the DCNetwork for 23 years and have a 24 year old donor conceived son whom I chose to conceive as a single mum. I have recently published a book: 'Going it Alone: a guide for solo mums in the UK', with a long section on using private donors. You can have a look at the contents here: //www.goingitalone.me (if your browser cant find it, add my name- Emily Engel) and order it from [email protected]. It costs £15 +£3 P&P.
Best wishes,
Emily

EileenAlanna · 24/07/2019 16:08

Can you clarify something? You said you've both agreed to use AI but you mention having only had sex with one person previously and are becoming sick with nerves. You do realise you won't actually be having sex with him? He'll be able to take himself off to somewhere with a bit of privacy to provide his "contribution" & you can get the old turkey baster out in equal privacy.
Are you sure he lives in Canada? Were you going to fly over? If £1k for donor treatment was too expensive how were you going to finance the inter-continental travel & accommodation? How would anyone think that would be workable when you're not even on the same continents? Maybe he is just there "by coincidence" but it sounds highly implausible. Are you paying him anything?

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