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Donor conception

Thinking of using egg donor but struggling with idea

51 replies

Kali75 · 06/06/2019 12:50

Hi all I've had a difficult 2 1/2 years after initially getting pregnant within a couple of months after getting married, which I was absolutely thrilled about at 41 years old. Sadly I found out that I had suffered a silent miscarriage 3 days before my 12 week scan. There followed 6 months of complications and numerous procedures and operations to try to clear left over miscarriage tissue. After getting the all clear we began trying naturally once again, and I expected to get pregnant again quickly as it had happened so quick the first time round. I also had a couple of friends my age that had experienced a miscarriage and then got pregnant within a couple of months, but sadly this didn't happen for us. Eventually a year after getting the all clear we began our IVF journey and a year later we've had 3 failed rounds of IVF.

We have now been told to consider egg donation as I am now 43 years old and will turn 44 this October, and because although over this time I've had numerous eggs mature, only 1 egg in each cycle fertilised, but not one ever made it to blastocyst stage. The consultants have said this is due to my egg quality and our best option now is egg donation.

I am utterly devastated and haven't been coping very well through out this whole 2 1/2 year experience and I am now trying to get my head around using an egg donor.

I know logically this will be the best chance for me to become a mum, which is something I have dreamt about and longed for, for such along time and being pregnant and carrying my baby has also been such an important part of this dream. I'm just struggling with the idea of giving up the thought of having my own biological child and I dont know how to get over this?

Just wondering how others have got over this huge hurdle and would be happy to share their thoughts and experiences and offer me any advice?

I just cant stop crying today as we've been trying to conceive naturally the last couple of months following our last failed IVF round, and yesterday my pregnancy test was negative! Feel like I'm running out of time and need to get over this hurdle so can have my much longed for family.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

OP posts:
Cutesbabasmummy · 24/06/2019 20:49

2eternities the OP didn't get married until later so gove a a bloody break! Not everyone meets their life partner at 20 and pops out a couple of kids! I used donor eggs as I have a genetic condition that meant using my own eggs ( and apparently I was very fertile) was extremely risky. To be honest if you cant say anything helpful on this thread which is on a sensitive and personal subject, jog on.

EarlGreyT · 24/06/2019 21:21

@2eternities. This is not AIBU and you are being antagonising.

It has nothing to do with priorities. Most of us live in the real imperfect world and not your ideal world. Not everyone meets a suitable partner at the ideal time even if they are “making it a priority”. Some of us aren’t in the right place financially, socially or emotionally to start a family when they are younger.

And this “It's like some women want an extended adolescence in their 20s” is nonsense.

If you can’t post anything helpful or supportive then please don’t post anything at all.

What you’ve posted is pretty insensitive to anyone with infertility and especially so to the OP of this thread who has written her post to explain how she is struggling emotionally.

EarlGreyT · 24/06/2019 21:37

I don’t have any experience with either of the clinics you mention, but it might be worth looking at Embryolab and new life in Thessaloniki.

CleopatrasMum · 24/06/2019 22:53

OP I can recommend the Institut Marques in Barcelona. They were great with us all three times we visited.

We also had a consultant here in the UK who was able to monitor me and ensure my body was in the right condition for transfer, do all the scans etc. It meant I was able to make only very short trips to Spain.

Best of luck wherever you choose.

CleopatrasMum · 24/06/2019 23:07

And while I didn't read 2eternities' post before it was deleted, I get the gist from @EarlGreyT's and @Cutesababasmummy's posts. I love it when people pontificate about things when they have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. Very few women want an extended adolescence or have their priorities in the wrong place. Maybe you meet your partner later in life or can't afford to start a family early. For others, like @Cutesbabasmummy and myself, something is wrong to prevent you using your own eggs. In my case, cancer treatment resulted in an early menopause.

Maybe think before you write in future.

2eternities · 25/06/2019 09:36

Sorry didn't mean to offend must have missed the part about her just marrying. I suppose I find it extremely bizarre someone wouldn't meet anyone to settle down with in 20 years of being an adult. Of course I am aware cancer treatment can result in infertility which is a tragic thing but OP didn't mention anything like that, just that she wanted a family for a while but was only starting now at 40. I do think celebrities who use donor egg and have lots of money for repeat ivf surrogacy etc are making many ordinary women believe it's an option to wait until you are old to start a family.

I also personally believe nobody is ever ready to become a parent. I wish op best of luck

2eternities · 25/06/2019 09:42

I have also seen men accused of wanting extended adolescence into their 20s and 30s on here so don't see why this can't apply to women aswell. I see many women who say they spent their 20s socialising and partying, that's extended adolescence behaviour and is a choice women make. If some (not all) women want to waste their fertile years living like a perpetual teenager that fine but they shouldn't be surprised when they miss the boat!

Persipan · 25/06/2019 10:53

"I suppose I find it extremely bizarre someone wouldn't meet anyone to settle down with in 20 years of being an adult"

Well, I send you greetings from the land of the really bizarre.

Cutesbabasmummy · 25/06/2019 11:13

2eternities just stop digging. I'd be interested to know if you have suffered conception problems or if you got married at 25, had 2.4 children and live in a cottage with roses round the door.

Mner2019 · 25/06/2019 11:31

Our donor egg is now 7.5 yrs, drives me bonkers and every bit our son. I absolutely adored him from the second I saw him. We have similar mannerisms, he has a personality like my sister (strong willed and feisty!) and occasionally people even say he looks like me. Loving the epigenetics stuff! He has blonde hair like his dad though so any similarities are normally there.

We have brought him up in full knowledge of his donor status. He is very matter of fact about it. We have a book from the donor conception network that helps explain it.

We used IM in Barcelona who were amazing. We had previously tried 2 cycles of PGD IVF via a hospital in London. The whole thing was horrific so we just threw everything at our ‘one last shot’. We went from less than 10% chance using my eggs (which were struggling with the PGD) to 50%+ with donor egg via IM. A no brainer really.

Good luck with whatever you choose but do allow yourself chance to grieve. I really struggled through our PGD cycles, ended up having a breakdown and needed a lot of counselling to put me back together. It took me a while to accept I needed help and even longer to find someone. Not bad enough for the nhs but I couldn’t go anywhere without sunglasses for months in case the tears wouldn’t stop.

All the best to you

Mner2019 · 25/06/2019 11:38

2eternities OP is looking for help on a sensitive area where she has said she is struggling. This isn’t the place for this discussion. Start your own thread if you want to discuss the hows and whys of how families are being started later in life (in relation to both men and women).

EarlGreyT · 25/06/2019 11:39

@2eternities just stop digging.

I suppose I find it extremely bizarre someone wouldn't meet anyone to settle down with in 20 years of being an adult. How lovely for you and what a narrow yet perfect life you must live. But perhaps you could explain how little gems like the above are in anyway understanding, helpful or supportive to anyone?

TeenTimesTwo · 25/06/2019 11:42

We adopted after not succeeding with IVF, so my views come from that perspective.

First, I view my adopted children as my own, so to have actually grown the child they would be even more so mine.

Second, I strongly feel it is important for you to be open with any child about their origins. It is their right to know. You would be best drip feeding it from a very young age - when they are too young to understand, so they grown up 'knowing'. Also it is easier for you to practice saying the words out loud when they don't properly understand, so as time goes on you get more confident.

Best wishes whatever you decide.

2eternities · 25/06/2019 12:02

I had mine at 23 and 25 and I was one of the last of my schools years friendship group to have children with several of them having their first in their late teens, girls from ordinary families aswell not dysfunctional ones, my last two friends to become mums did so at 25 so it's pretty normal ime maybe why I find this old motherhood thing a bit odd? I'd have not a single childless friend left at almost 28 if I'd not had kids now.

2eternities · 25/06/2019 12:14

Sorry really didn't mean to offend!

Cutesbabasmummy · 25/06/2019 12:26

2eternities well you have offended people. In my world we were all just put of uni at 23 and 25 and busy building careers. None of us had settled down. I'm now 43 and I have several liveky friends who still haven't met Mr Right and may never have children. I wonder what you are doing on a donor egg thread when you clearly have nothing to offer but your own blinkered view of life!

EarlGreyT · 25/06/2019 12:31

I probably would be better off going and banging my head against a wall, but you really didn’t mean to offend?? Really? You don’t think statements like maybe why I find this old motherhood thing a bit odd are offensive. Please get over yourself.

The average age for a woman in the uk to have a first baby is 28.6 years, so you and your peers are younger than the average.

2eternities · 25/06/2019 14:42

Those things aren't mutually exclusive I know several women who went to uni and settled down shortly after and had their children mid 20s whilst still working but this is exactly my point, you can choose to spend your prime fertile years not bothering about a family but it's disingenuous to pretend you can't have children because of a career and if you choose to put career over family whilst fertile there's no point crying when it turns out you've left it too late, we all make our choices and the fact is careers can be gotten at any point until 70s for my generation, they can be rebuilt, and started again and retrained for etc fertility cannot so no I'd never sacrifice the chance to have kids for a career I can easily start any time in my life.

2eternities · 25/06/2019 14:46

Still in the 20s prime fertile years Earl Grey so unsure what your point is. Those average women arnt waiting till the window has pretty much passed to get the ball rolling are they

Bluerussian · 25/06/2019 14:50

If you go ahead with a donor egg, Kali, don't tell people. There's no need for anyone to know, it isn't their business. Telling your child is a different matter and you may want to do that when they are grown but I doubt any child would thank you for giving details to other people, it is their business too.

All I can say is, all the best if you do go ahead and it is successful. It's not likely but isn't impossible for you to conceive naturally at the moment. Well wouldn't that be a turn up for the books?

In the meantime, do try to enjoy life and make the most of what you have. If you have a loving relationship with your husband, a decent home and job, you have a lot going for you.

Very best wishes for the future.


Cutesbabasmummy · 25/06/2019 15:11

2eternities can you read? NOT EVERYONE LEAVES IT TOO LATE! You be ignoring those who are telling you that they have had cancer, genetic problems or just crap eggs in their twenties. You are so sensitive and thoughtless! You say you don't want to cause offense and then carry on! Just please leave this thread . If you've popped out 2 kids in your twenties then what does Amy of this have to do with you? This is a support thread not a bitch fest. Please stop it now.

RooKangaroo · 25/06/2019 15:19

@2eternities, but I assume you had your two children at 23 and 25 because you'd met someone you wanted to have children with, right?

What if you hadn't met that person by those ages? What if you didn't meet them until you were in your thirties or forties?


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3luckystars · 25/06/2019 15:26

Would taking 3 or 6 months to recover be an option now, if you are using donor eggs, a little time might not make much of a difference.

I think you have been through so much, would it be possible to take a little while to get your head around it all?

That's what I would do. My sister advised me to just 'take my foot off the accelerator' for a few months and it was good advice for me, it helped me digest what had happened and gave my body a chance to recover.

I just wanted to wish you all the very best. Good luck x

Persipan · 25/06/2019 15:59

It would have been the height of grotesque irresponsibly for me to try to have a baby in my 20s (finishing uni, relationship breakdown, back to living in a shared house) or my 30s (living in a tiny 2-room flat without its own bathroom, low-paid work, saving to be able to afford better). I started trying later in my 30s and would not have had the financial resources to do so before that. You seem very fixed on the idea that we've all spent our 20s and 30s partying it up and being thrusting career women rather than, you know, deciding not to randomly conceive children we wouldn't have been in any position to properly support.

CleopatrasMum · 25/06/2019 16:55

@2eternities, it is astonishing that you are unable to understand that not everyone has the same life path as everyone else. Just one minor example: my cancer treatment was straight out of uni at 21. A lot of my priorities and ideas changed as a result of that, not least the things I was doing while my peers, like you and your friends, were making relationships, marrying and starting families in some cases, and, in other cases, unlike your circle apparently, starting their careers.

As you mature and perhaps look beyond your immediate circle of friends, you are going to find an awful lot of people have different experiences, priorities and viewpoints to yours. Perhaps then you will realise how offensive you are being on this thread.

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