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On the Mumsnet Donor Conception forum, you can discuss sperm and egg donation with people in the same situation.

Donor conception

How did you tell loved ones?

11 replies

Holly0095 · 31/05/2019 15:52

Have done a couple of different posts about sperm donation and the typical questions I was think g at the time, but the one that's on my mind at the moment is...
1)how did you tell your family and friends did you say it was a sperm donor? If so how did they react?

For me I'm 24 so still young I realise a lot of you will tel me but after a few very sudden loses of family and friends I don't want to wait any longer to have a baby, I have never been all that interested In a partner so would be quite happy going this alone with just my family for support.
However I struggle with a non existent social life and I feel a few questions will definitely be asked if I suddenly pop in and say "hey I'm pregnant" for me I kinda want to say they can think what they want, but also other people's views on sperm donation isn't always ideal and I don't want to lose and family friends etc so long story short!
How did you tell your family that your back ga baby's through sperm donation and how did they react?
(Hope all this makes sense)

OP posts:
Joopy · 31/05/2019 23:52

I haven't done this but if it's what you want to do and you can support a child by yourself it shouldn't matter what others think.

Holly0095 · 01/06/2019 17:59

Thank you, after a lot of thinking over the years this is the best time for me now to do it.
I'm very close to my family so I would think they would support me I no my mum Dad and sisters wouldn't for sure, but it's my aunts and uncles etc that worry me...if I tell them I can't take it back if they don't like the idea or might not warm to it? I'm not worried about how people will react I just no some people won't agree with me using a sperm donor

OP posts:
LanieM87 · 01/06/2019 19:28

Hi, I am currently trying to get pregnant via a donor, the only people I’ve told are my mum, dad and my best friend. I will tell my brother when it happens and also some extended family who I am close too. I’ve had a great reaction from my parents and friend and they are 100% supportive, though I am a little bit older then you.
In terms to work colleagues and extended family I don’t really see - I am planning on keeping details very few and far between and explain that I will be a single parent. I am prepared for the fact that some nosier colleagues will want to know more, but it’s really none of their business and I really won’t mind saying that to their face.
Ultimately this is your choice and as long as you are happy and confident you can raise a child in a healthy loving environment, then I say screw what everyone else says.

Holly0095 · 02/06/2019 01:03

@LanieM87 Can I ask how old you are, my age seems to be the thing that makes people question it, it seems if I was older or was having fertility issues it would be more acceptable to be using a donor, however the fact I'm not I am just a normal 24year old women wanting to start a family it seems to make people question it more in starting to realise.
My mum although has got the typical Mum hang ups of wanting to protect her child by making sure it's all done safely seems to be supportive of the idea, my sister I would like to be able to tell now but not 100% sure of her reaction so I'm keeping it a bit quieter from her, the few close family friends I have told so far seem to be massively supportive, my dad...hmm not 100% sure how to tell him I don't actually think he would be bothered but I sometimes get the judge of situation wrong and he might pop a go at me?
I have written many emails and letters to my mum explaining in writing my plans and have very often said the words that you have "ultimately it is my choice" because it simply is but I do still want everyone's support and feel i need this in order to bring a new baby into the family.

OP posts:
Geluksvogel · 02/06/2019 09:15

I read your post and your age stood out to me too. It’s not bcos a 24 yr old can’t decide whether to have a child. It’s just when actively trying to be a single parent through a donor most people heavily consider the financial implications. Most, but not all, 24 yr olds aren’t established enough in their careers to provide financial security, don’t own their own home (so aren’t moving through renting) etc etc and emotionally normally haven’t matured as much as someone in their 30’s. None of these are reasons not to have a child through any means. It’s just a preconceived idea which you may come up against. I’m sure you can meet the emotional needs of a child and have considered how you will financial support them. You have family support which will be invaluable. Good luck.

LanieM87 · 02/06/2019 15:37

@Holly0095 I am 32, I think you’re absolutely right, if you were ten yrs older then you most certainly wouldn’t get as many comments, however on the main boards I still think there’s a lot of negativity about single women and donor sperm and that it’s selfish to bring a baby into the world without a “proper dad” however I could argue this for days. I’m sure you have given this a lot of thought and you need to do what you feel is right for you and your baby.
In terms of support, my dad is totally supportive and very excited, he just doesn’t want to know the ins/outs of it, which of course i wouldn’t want him to know about anyway, but he knows I talk to my mum and knows I’m safe. I think you have to bite the bullet and accept whatever they say for better or for worse and that as a 24yr old woman most will want you to follow the “traditional” path and may find it strange that you’re choosing to do this now.

niclw · 02/06/2019 19:14

Hi @Holly0095. I'm a single mum to a donor conceived 8 month old baby boy. I never seemed to have any luck with men and gave up a while ago (I conceived at 37). I didn't tell anyone what I had planned. I convinced myself that if it didn't work then I saved them the worry. In hindsight I would have had support. When I realised I was pregnant I tried to find a way to tell my parents but I struggle to vocalise my feelings so I kept putting it off and stopped speaking to them as often as an excuse not to tell them. I was really worried about their reaction. In the end I blurted out one night on the phone that I was pregnant. They were so shocked and I wish that I'd told my mum beforehand but it worked out well and they adore my baby boy. I didn't tell my brother or closest friends till my 12 week scan and they didn't care although one friend couldn't believe I hadnt asked them for support first. I text them all saying I needed to tell them something and could I either pop round or ring at a convenient time. They all thought something was wrong but were all really happy for me. I chose not to tell people at work as i knew I was wanting to leave ASAP so just said I'd be a single mum. I don't socialise with anywhere there anyway so felt they didn't need to know. My relatives don't know how he was conceived at my mum's request however I've made it clear to her that if I'm asked I'm not lying. As I rarely see them I doubt it will come up. I don't want my son to be ashamed of how he was conceived though. I wish you all the luck. Don't worry about your age. I wish I'd done it sooner so think it through carefully and then if you still want to, go ahead x

ReganSomerset · 02/06/2019 19:28

I'd be careful of your motivations here, OP. A baby is not really a substitute for friends and a social life and having one on your own is not easy, no matter how supportive family is. Heck, having one with someone else isn't easy either, it changes your life hugely. And gives you an extra person to worry about losing. With your talk of loss and not having a social life, I do wonder if you're considering a baby as a way to fix things or give you more purpose. I also wonder how you're doing emotionally, dealing with all these losses. Pregnancy really messes with your hormones and emotional state, so I'd make sure you're in good mental health first.

Now, that's not the point of your op and is absolutely none of my business. You're only a little younger than me and I'm not the expert on either babies or you, but maybe ask yourself what you expect life with a baby on your own will be like and whether the image you're conjuring I dc a realistic one, why you want one right now as opposed to in a few years and whether you truly think you're ready financially and emotionally.

Good luck with whatever you do.

ReganSomerset · 02/06/2019 19:29

I dc = is

Stupid phone keyboard

K10f1 · 29/08/2019 20:27

I’m about to start trying with donor sperm (well October - I have to have a bit of surgery first). Now again I am older and have known fertility problems, but I have found people are really supportive. My dad was quiet for a bit - didn’t really ask questions and probably for the first year (it has taken a year to get this far) I thought he wasn’t totally in to it. It turned out he was just embarrassed and didn’t really know what to say. Something changed recently and he asked my mum why I was doing it. She explained I didn’t want to get any older with my known problems and potentially miss the opportunity to have a child at all. I’m sure I’d said this to him before but something clicked and suddenly he is Mr Supportive. It’s actually been lovely to see. Mum has always been on bored. She actually just told her sister (I think she was excited) which basically means now half my family know my plans without me really thinking about whether I wanted them to know. It’s worked out though. It feels like the women of the family have mobilised and decided to make themselves available for any and all hospital appointments - there’s actually times I’m having to say “no really, I can do this one on my own.” I’ve not met with any negativity at all. My best friend knows, and I also told my boss because the nature of my work means having time off at short notice is challenging, and obviously I will need time off at short notice. I decided I’d rather be honest about why than have her think I had a serious illness - and again she’s been great.
I keep having to remind people it might not work because all the positivity is a little overwhelming.
I think if you can support your child and are able to articulate why now is the time there isn’t a lot people can say negative. You don’t need to be older with a reproductive system firmly ignoring the laws of nature. If at 24 you’ve thought it through, are emotionally, financially and physically up for it then there isn’t a lot people can say negative. When talking about it with people I’m very direct. I don’t act like I’m wanting an opinion or inviting a judgement. I think this helps.

ourkidmolly · 29/08/2019 20:51

What is your profession? How are you planning to manage financially and provide for the baby?

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