Why would you want information disclosure with your donor?

[AliceAbsolum]

DH will go abroad because we want the egg donor to be anonymous. I'm curious as to why people would want the child to be able have contact with the donor?

Genuinely curious!

Thank you.

It's my understanding that donor-conceived people are often understandably curious about their genetic origins, and this can be a really significant aspect of their lives (just as it often is for adopted people). To me, if at all possible, I'd always prefer to have treatment in countries where a donor's identity will eventually be available to any child because I don't think it's fair to deprive them of that information. They may not ever choose to make use of it, but at least I'd be preserving that option for them rather than closing it off forever.

I'm not saying I'd never, ever pursue treatment where a donor was anonymous, but it's something I've always resisted thus far and it would not be my plan A. (Or even B, tbh.)

I don't know much about my father's family. I have not seen any of them for about ten years, and my closest relations for possibly 30. But there is the option of getting in touch with them should I want.

And I would want my child to have the same option. They may choose never to pursue it, but they might want to, and they should have that choice.

It's not available until the child is 18.... and only then if the child WANTS contact

If you don't give the child that option, what if the child really wants to know when they are an adult and can't find out?

Why do you want the donor to be anonymous? Are you thinking about your child or you?

There's a reason why the HFEA changed its rules to ban anonymity

Because every study that has been undertaken, and every story I have seen/read by donor-conceived people shows that it is better for the child to have the option to find out if they want to.

Where donor conceived people have issues about their conception it is usually because either a) they weren't told about the egg/sperm donor until they were teenagers or adults or b) the donor was anonymous and they feel half of the information about who they are is missing.

My question to you would be why wouldn't you want your child to have the option to contact the donor at the age of 18?

Also genuinely curious.

I went abroad after failed donor treatment in the uk, I don't regret my decision but I worry a lot about how DS will feel that I only have limited information for him when he is older. I really hope he understands my reasons for doing it and doesn't hate me for it

We wanted it because we wanted to know a bit about the lovely person who made it possible for us to have our daughter. And we liked the idea of our daughter knowing a bit about that person, too. Win win, from my perspective.

We didn't have the choice really because my first dc child was conceived before April 2005 and so anonymity still in place with UK donors and my other two are from the same donor (as was allowed) and so also anonymous. I think overall, I'd prefer to have donor where they could find out about them at 18 but at the time I was panicking about donor numbers plummeting after the removal of anonymity and was keen to be pregnant ASAP (already in 30's).

Donor conceived children have been found to be accepting of the circumstances of their conception if their parents are open with them. My dd is now 13 and has started telling a few close friends and told me the other day it gave her a moment of sadness that her dad isn't biologically related to her and then she considered not having him as her dad at all and that was by far and away worse.

Not sure if this answers the question really! Rambled on 🙄

Because studies show it is better for the child.

In some ways these days it is rather moot as DNA databases are so common place that there is a good chance they will easily find each other anyway. That means that for parents there is no 'benefit' in going anon, it just means the child will wonder why you would want to make things harder for them.

Describing it as the child having contact with the donor is a misleading way of putting it, it gives the impression that the child will be going off on trips to the park with the donor. It's not about the child having contact with the donor, it's about the adult that the child will become having the ability to access information about the donor. It's also about creating a culture in which parents are open with children about their origins. There's a fair amount of evidence that children do well when they are told about their origins from an early stage. There's also a fair amount of evidence that some people find lack of information about their genetic origins to be very painful. Whilst that's sometimes unavoidable, I have no idea why you would make the deliberate choice to put your future child in that position. In any case, given the ease with which people can now have DNA tests and make unexpected discoveries/connections later on, anonymity and secrecy is not guaranteed. Much better to have ongoing openness and access to information from the start than a chaotic and hurtful surprise in the future.