Advice and such welcome...

[Canadiank]

Hi.... so I have always said that I did not want kids. Not a criticism of those who do but it just was not for me. However over the last few years there has been a gradual change and in the last few weeks with my 34th birthday approaching I feel that clock ticking. I want a kid. I want them to know my parents.

With that said...i live thousands of miles from my family, in a one bed basement apartment (toronto is ferociously expensive) with a cat. He's a very good cat but he's dumb. I work in a job I hate but with people I love. Luckier than most on that score. I've done the sums and I could afford a child but I would never ever be in a comfortable financial position ie able to splurge on that nice pair of jeans.

On the positive sides...i am in fulltime work, my company would be supportive and I am covered by Canadian benefits e.g parental leave. My parents visit alot already and if I did this they may never leave. There is room in my living room for a bed and i have a spare storage room if it really comes down to it for me.

I think I'm most concerned by two things. One, all my friends are younger than me and they aren't in the same place I am. Two, am I being selfish? Three, the fertility rates around 35 drop off a flipping cliff.

Help!

Hello! So, here are some rambling thoughts from someone in a somewhat similar position...

In terms of 'selfishness', I'd say parenting is ultimately one of the most unselfish things you can do, and if you decide to go ahead I don't see that there's anything selfish about doing so. If you were in a relationship and wanted to start a family, would anyone call you selfish for that? No, they wouldn't. And it sounds as though you have given this some thought, done the maths, and have a credible plan for how this might all work. That also speaks to a degree of care and thoughtfulness that's anything but selfish.

I started trying to conceive on my own when I was, oooh, 38, I think? Might have been 37. I am now 42 and haven't yet had a baby. So, on the one hand, I do think there's merit in not leaving things too late. On the other hand, at 34 I do think you have some time to play with. It's not so much a cliff-edge at 35 as a gradual drop off.

If I were you, I'd go to a fertility clinic and get a full work up done to check things like whether you're ovulating, whether your tubes are clear, whether there are any indications that your ovarian reserve might be low. Basically, get some information, as this will help you to make decisions.

One question I'd have for you is, would you be open to seeking to become a parent in the context of a relationship? Clearly, I don't have any issue with the answer being 'no' here, but I'm conscious that for me, part of the reason I decided not to go all out looking for Mr Right was time - even if he'd fallen from the sky the instant I started thinking about starting a family, I would clearly have wanted some time in that relationship first and that just seemed too pressured. (The other reason was, the more I thought about it, the less bothered I was about the idea of a relationship anyway.) But I'd say that at your age, you do have some time to seek that out, if it's something you want (and assuming this would be a relationship with someone with sperm).

So, yeah, my tentative suggestion would be to get some tests done and then, armed with that information, have a good think about how you might like to proceed. Good luck, whatever you choose!

I was 34 when I started fertility treatment. I'd mentioned that I was thinking about it to my GP and she basically said get on with it asap to improve my chances of it working.

Sorry to state the obvious but you need to have some spare money for fertility treatment. I had 4 IUIs in the end before a successful pregnancy and that seems to be roughly the norm for women in their late 30s.

It's the best decision I have ever made (and possibly the scariest!). I have no regrets whatsoever. DD is just turning 2 and although it's hard work sometimes it's overall pretty great

These are both really useful replies thank you guys. I've been single for a long time and honestly I've never been that bothered by being single. Not that I would be opposed to parenthood within a relationship, but I would prefer a year or so in the relationship before contemplating it. Assuming I meet someone in the next six months or so that brings me closer to 37-38 before I'd even be thinking about it.

And it's not just my age. I would want any kids I may have to have a good active relationship with my parents who are already in their 60s. With luck they have plenty of years left but there are no guarantees.