Choosing a donor of a different race?

[unsure901]

AIBU to consider choosing a non-white donor as a white SMBC? Thoughts? Experiences?

So as a white single lady trying to conceive with donor sperm, here are my thoughts:

• I would expect that a child born via donor conception will, at times, experience feeling different to their peers, or feeling uncertain about their place in their family/the world. Would this additional factor make processing those feelings more complicated?
• Racism is a real thing that exists in the world. It exists much more pervasively than we as white people see or understand, and in some contexts it can be not only an awful experience but a risk to life. How would you help a mixed-race child to navigate that?
• Looking at the experiences of adopted non-white people growing up in white families, you'll often hear that while their family was loving and caring, they felt disconnected from aspects of their heritage and identity. How would you propose giving your child a true sense of connection with relevant communities or cultural events/knowledge?
• Would you be looking at using a known donor, with whom your child might have some ongoing connection, or at using sperm from a bank? The former would probably make it easier (although still not easy) to navigate all of the above.
• The fact that you're asking questions about this suggests that you are probably thinking about all this stuff already, and that you have reservations about whether this would be the right choice for your future child. This whole question might be something to talk through with a counsellor specialising in fertility matters.

Hope that helps a bit. Good luck!

Can only speak as friend of adopted child of another race. She obviously loves her white parents but does feel a disconnect. I’d tread carefully, if you cannot provide a cultural background (Mandarin classes on Saturdays won’t cut it) then you probably should avoid this.

What are your reasons? I have a friend who did exactly this

If you fell in love with someone of a different ethnicity they would have an extended family of shared heritage but as a single parent I don't think it's fair in some ways - there's also the fact that you could be questioned more when travelling, even donor matches are harder for mixed race.

If I meet someone of another ethnicity I would not care about the "negative" points above but this is different

If you are looking to use a donor of a different ethnicity to your own through a clinic in the UK it's likely it may have to go to the ethics board so they could explore your reasons for wanting to do so

As a mixed race person growing up both in the UK and in my 'other' country I was never really accepted by either. Too white for one culture and too dark in another. Racism is very real but subtle. Luckily I'm largely surrounded by educated well travelled people at work and home but when I step out of my bubble it can be quite brutal. I would think long and hard before doing this. Upside is I have a perma tan and few wrinkles 😂.