Donor sperm and IVF

[Sorka]

I have been considering using donor sperm to have a baby. I'm 35, eternally single and I know time is of the essence with my age, so this feels like the only option.

I had some hormone tests and an appointment with a doctor to discuss the results today. Apparently my ovarian reserve is depleted. I was hoping to just use donor sperm without IVF. I didn't realise that the success rate is so low (8-10% without issues), and with my results that's not a goer. That means IVF is the only option, and it may already be too late.

I'm gutted. I knew I might have issues and that it would probably take more than one try, but I just don't understand why I have such a poor prognosis for my age.

IVF also means that I'd need to tell work as I'd need flexible time, and I really really don't want my colleagues knowing my deeply private and personal business. Whenever other women have told work everybody tells everybody else "to keep them informed", "because they have a right to know" and to "keep them in the loop". It's all office politics and gossip, and the senior people who are doing it don't see anything wrong with it.

Has anyone else been in this position?

Really sorry you didn't get the news you hoped for today. I'm a bit older than you (39) but IVF is my only option too and I can certainly relate to the work situation.

I am going through the process now (on day 9 of stimulation, egg collection in the next few days) and I haven't told work. Partly because it's a really old school environment and if people know I'm trying to get pregnant I'm worried I'll be sidelined, and partly because I'm a really private person and my workplace has a very active grapevine too. There's a lot of gossip dressed up as 'concern', but really, no one has a right to know about your health issues and you have the right to keep it private if you want to.

I didn't want to actually lie though, so I just told my boss that I had a gynaecological issue and would need to go to a series of medical appointments. He was in no way keen to ask additional questions and was actually really supportive! I had looked up the company policy on medical appointments which is to add up all the time and book the relevant number of days off as annual leave (e.g. 4 x 2 hour appointments = 1 day) and said I'd be happy to do that or just work longer hours to make up the time - he was happy for me to do the latter.

Fortunately (?!) I get extremely bad period pains which have occasionally resulted in days off work / going white and having to walk out of meetings, so I have let him put two and two together and think they are related. I don't think anyone would guess unless they have been through IVF themselves, particularly as you are single?

How flexible is your work at the moment? And how far away is the clinic? Could you do scans and appointments in your lunch break, before work or arrange external meetings just before/after so that you won't be missed?

I've timed my appointments such that I have only had to tell work about 2 of the 7 I've had so far (one was where I had to miss a meeting, and the other was where the only available time slot was mid-morning).

Good luck with it all whatever you decide, and if you have any questions just ask xx

Thanks for your reply Outofmydepth11 I can totally relate to what you're saying. I would be sidelined too - though I pretty much am anyway as I'm not friends with the clique I need to be friends with, so I suppose it's a moot point.

Work are generally pretty flexible. I'm technically contracted to work in London, but am working in an office nearer to home 2 or 3 days a week now.

The challenge is that the clinic is 45 minutes away from home - though I allow an hour to get there in case of traffic. If I go into the office afterwards it takes about an hour from clinic to office. Depending on how long they take, if I have an appointment when the clinic opens at 8 I can get to the office for a little past 9.

It gets challenging with appointments at awkward times. I had an appointment just after lunch today and was able to attend without anyone noticing by basically using my lunch break to drive there and making up some time later.

I need to give it some thought. It hasn't really sunk in yet x

I just wanted to say good luck to you both. I was lucky enough to be able to do medicated iui with donor sperm but can understand your concern about appts. I live 5 mins from the clinic I used and 35 mins from work. I didn't want work to know I was doing iui so I just made up excuses - medical appts, car broke down, flat tyre. I felt guilty lying to them but I work in small coastal town and felt people would be judgemental. Thankfully some of the appts fell in school hols and on Saturdays. The excuses worked for a while but by the time I got asked about absences I was pregnant and had requested time off for a medical appt which was actually a scan at 7 weeks at the clinic. I hope you find a way to get to the appts x

If your ovarian reserve is depleted is it likely they will recommend IVF?