Hi

I’m not sure about sperm donation but I’ve got a baby through egg donation so 8 can help with some of your questions 😊

2). My (UK) clinic knew I was pregnant through my initial blood test and then my viability scan a few weeks later. I was sent a form to complete to advise them if live birth/miscarriage etc and if live; date of birth, name, sex, place of birth. I think the clinic have to write to hfea within 14 weeks if due date to advise on outcome. I have seen people on different forums not fill in the forms though as they don’t want the child to know that they are donor conceived.

3). There was no goodwill message given to us, the only info I have on our donor and what we picked her on was: age, amh levels, occupation, height, hair/eye colour, hobbies & interest, why they wanted to donate but I know that this information can vary from clinic to clinic. I’m not sure if I would be put off by a lengthy message detailing all the flaws, hey we all have them!! 😊 I think most people are just grateful that there are kind people like yourself that are willing to donate whether it’s sperm/eggs to give them a chance to have a child. Without your donation it would be very unlikely that they could have a child.

4). My son is just a few months old but he will be told that he is DC. I read I think on the DCN that the interest more lies in the siblings rather than the donor themselves. Even though it’s along way off from happening the thought of him looking for his donor/siblings does make me feel a bit weird, not sure why. I know if it was me I’d probably want to find out who my donor was, etc.

5). I think regardless of whether its a straight/lesbian couple if it is done outwith a clinic then you would legally be seen as the father. Going through a clinic means that you would not be seen as the legal father.

Not sure of any forums for men, I’ve been on Fertility Friends but not sure if there is a section for men there. I hope that my answers were a bit helpful to you. Perhaps someone who has used sperm donation might come along and tell you more from their perspective 😊.

A question for you as a donor 😊 How do you feel about there being a child out there with half your dna. Were you given any information about the parents before the donation happened? We obviously know about the donor but always wondered if they were ever given any info on us. It was one of those questions that I thought about afterwards.

1 - My understanding is that they can store it for 10 years - so that would be from the moment the donation is made, not from when it is released following tests and quarantine (but I think it's usually released within 6 months so shouldn't make much difference?)

2 – We are meant to report pregnancies and births to the sperm bank, although they they can't enforce this. However it is very much in the recipient's interest to tell the clinic/sperm bank as you can then stay updated if the donor gives additional info (health issues discovered in the family etc). So I'd be surprised if people didn't report.

3 - In my experience, I saw everything prior to selecting. I can't imagine them sending previously unseen information later. A lengthy message is good, and flaws are also good as it shows self-awareness! A lengthy message and willingness to meet was pretty much my whole criteria - it's really nice to get a sense of the person rather than just a list of credentials/hobbies/interests that could apply to most of the population.

4 – I wouldn't know about this one (yet!) but I have a friend who is 28 and donor-conceived. She's curious about the donor and about siblings, and has send her saliva off to ancestry sites to analyse in case she can identify any family members.

5 - Grey area I think. I was told when exploring this option that if a court heard - and believed - that you had sex with the woman to get her pregnant, you would be considered the legal father of the child regardless of its mothers' marital status. A difficult one to prove!

I'm also really curious about what happens on the donor's end (and have tried to find info out there with little success!). Did you have counselling and were you encouraged to think about the implications of this for a child and what they might feel? Or did it feel more transactional?

I know that not everyone thinks this way but for me, genes are at least 50% of who I am, so if I was donor-conceived I think I'd care a lot and would definitely want to meet my biological parent.

So my only worry is that my donor won't be interested or care. It's not that I'd want a child to think of the donor as 'dad' or expect him to have a full part in the child's life, just to care enough to meet up if the child wants to, and maybe exchange messages from time to time.

It's so nice to read this, as what you have written is exactly how I would like my donor to think and feel about us, i.e. recognise that he's not the dad but that he is an important person, because genes matter. And to want there to be some kind of relationship/friendship with the family even if it's just touching base every now and again.

It's also really good to hear that you are/would be open with your own kids, as I do sometimes wonder whether a donor might initially be open to contact when single, but then change his mind once he had his own partner and kids...

I'm just chipping in too, hope that's ok.

My DD was conceived with donor sperm and I am so grateful to the lovely anonymous person who did this. He wrote a beautiful message, and it really was important to us. He explained he and his wife had trouble conceiving so he'd had treatment and donated sperm along with that. He also said how important his family was to him, and how he hoped any child born from his donation would be happy. It was really lovely and kind.

Because of him, I know that you can store sperm longer than 10 years. Ours went 'out of date' last December, but the clinic checked with our donor, and he said he was happy for it to be kept for another 10 years, which means we could still use it to try for a sibling (we've tried a couple of times without success, though that is to do with my fertility - the sperm doesn't decline over time).

FWIW, I really didn't care about donors' academic qualities. In fact I found it actively off-putting that some of them wrote as if they were applying for a job! We were offered three potential donors by our clinic, two of whom had PhDs and one who hadn't gone to university. We chose the one who hadn't gone to university because he was the only one who sounded caring and humane and thoughtful. I definitely wouldn't think someone who mentioned flaws or showed a sense of humour sounded bad!

I am quietly quite interested in meeting our donor, if DD wants to when she is grown up. I don't mind if that's not something she wants. But I'd love to be able to thank him.

Hi LRD – the more the merrier ,

Thanks for that, I had wondered what happens if parents want a sibling beyond the cut-off. I presume it’s only now available to you and not ‘publicly’ available, for want of a better word?

I agree about the message. I suppose it’s a bit difficult really as if you’re asked to give a description of yourself most people will try to sell themselves so can sound a bit like a job interview, but I wrote my message aimed at the child rather than the parents so just left it up to the parents to decide (if they saw the message before choosing me) whether I sounded to their tastes or not. That’s kind of why I included strengths and weaknesses as the child may question why they’re particularly bad at something as well as good if their parents do/don’t possess those qualities.

It's also really good to hear that you are/would be open with your own kids, as I do sometimes wonder whether a donor might initially be open to contact when single, but then change his mind once he had his own partner and kids...

It’s also good to hear from my perspective that others like LRD and yourself would be open to contact. I have the opposite worry to you in that they may choose not to ever contact, and also I don’t even know whether the parents will ever tell the child they’re donor-conceived. I think I read that most donors now are already married/have kids but not sure whether you know your donor was single/childless at donation? I met my fiancée during my donation process so was a bit anxious to tell her. She was obviously a bit shocked at first but is happy with it and thinks it’s a good thing I donated. It may have been alright if she was a bit uneasy/apprehensive but if she had a problem with contact I don’t think we’d be together. I don’t have kids yet but I think it’d be a bit unfair to deny them any possibility of knowing the child given they’re genetically linked. I think I also have a responsibility as it'd be a huge upheaval if suddenly they're told they have a half-sibling and also for the very, very tiny chance of sibling relations.