Knowing DE is the right route for you

[Botanica]

Sorry, didn't really know what to call this thread,but putting the medical and physical aspects aside of why we find ourselves considering this route, would anyone be willing to share some of the 'big questions' you asked yourself and talked about with your partner to be sure that the donor egg route was the right path for your family?

I am at the point this may be the best way forward and have been advised by my clinic to talk to a counsellor about the moral and ethical aspects as well as the emotional and psychological implications.

I'll admit to being nervous about this and want to ensure we've really thought about as much as possible before we talk with the counsellor.

What are the questions you asked yourself about this route as you were lying awake at night with thoughts going round your head?

I'm thinking so far of:

• what we tell our child and when
• what we share with other people
• anonymous donor or not, pros and cons
• how it will feel throughout the pregnancy, at birth and through childhood
• marking the loss and grieving for the child you never had with your own eggs

I'm sure there's many other things I should be thinking about. I'd be really grateful to hear from anyone who can share. Thank you.

Hi Botanica I recognise your username from me lurking around the infertility boards the past few years! 

Me and DP have just been to our initial consultation and subsequent counselling session at a new clinic (our previous clinic doesn't do donor) and we want to go ahead with a donor egg cycle.

We couldn't even contemplate donor egg until we had exhausted every possible chance with own egg.
But now Im 45 and it just feels like the right thing to do.

We picked a UK clinic specifically because we didn't want an anonymous donor. We both felt that if we were donor conceived ourselves, we'd want the option to find out about our genetic mother and possible half siblings. Our personal choice (if successful) will be to be totally open and honest about the conception, with our child. I think the more connections with people they can make, the more love they're likely to experience.

Same deal with family and friends, but work colleagues and acquaintances...hmmm...I don't think I need to be going into conception details with them! So they might guess or suspect, but it's not anyone's business but ours!

The counselling session was provided by our clinic, and although not compulsory, was recommended. The counsellor was very gentle and it was quite good to tell someone, outside our family and friends, the story of how we got to this point. My DP said he'd now definitely recommend a counselling session as part of the process.
I'd done quite a bit of research online including on the DCN website. Really interesting to read the interview with young people who were donor conceived. It made me feel really positive and has given me back some hope, that we could yet be parents.

As it's donor egg rather than sperm, it makes it feel quite fair and even IYSWIM?
My DP will be the genetic father, but I will be the biological mother. That's how I feel about it.

I honestly don't think I will feel threatened if my child wants to seek out their genetic mother in the future. They will be an adult by then and can have all kinds of relationships with all kinds of people if they want to.

Will they look like my child?...I like the idea that we will get to know this very individual person, who isn't like me or like him, but is their own independent person. There's no guarantee a genetic child would look like me anyway.

I'm not sure when to tell my family and not sure how they'll react. They think I gave up Hope years ago. I think I'll wait until we're well into an actual pregnancy.

Hope some of that was helpful - please ask me any questions x

Hi @Botanica

We are about to start DE IVF, we got the call last week saying our clinic had found a match for us. Very excited!!

We are going down this route as I have low ovarian reserve and have been advised that my chances of a successful ivf cycle using own eggs is minimal. We are also not eligible for own egg ivf on the nhs due to my levels not being good enough (although we would pay for it if we thought it'd work).

We decided to go straight to DE IVF As ultimately we want a family and the success rate at my clinic is 70%, so this gives us the best opportunity.

We are both pretty matter of fact about it, and although I obviously wish I could use my own eggs, it's not going to happen for us.

Happy to answer any specific questions you have 😊

Good luck both.

Think about the child's feelings and sense of personal identity as they grow up.

Think about them having science lessons at school and how significant these, as well as news items about the influence of genetics, might suddenly feel to them.

Think about the questions they might have about their genetic maternal line, including half siblings and medical history.

Think about little genetic quirks (tongue rolling, hairline etc etc) and how your child and you will feel about little differences in your family.

Think about how some of this might play out in the relationship with your child during their teen years.

Think about how much you and/or your child might want to know about the donor, and their background, and how much you trust the clinic to be truthful. Hobbies? Musical talents? Sports etc etc?

Think about nosey people and how much it should be for your child, rather than you, to decide what is known about their personal history.

For me my need for a baby was greater than my need for a bio child and I had already spent years trying naturally and having failed own egg IVF, I also lost NHS funding due to my AMH/FSH. I could of tried again with own eggs privately but I didn't feel it was worth it financially and emotionally for a 5% chance of success with DE would give me 50%.
It's a brave decision switching to DE and not one everyone feels comfortable with I know. We are fully open about using DE and will tell our son as soon as he is old enough, there's a great book called 'the pea that was me' that we plan on using. It did take me 3 different donors to have success as I had a failed cycle, a MMC then finally had my baby in Jan. it honestly didn't feel any different to what I imagine being pregnant with my eggs would be, strangely I'm pregnant naturally now too so will be able to tell them both how they are miracles for very different reasons

@Botanica

what we tell our child and when
We used a book, age appropriate and talked about the special egg donor who helped us have dd. Our ED was a known donor.

what we share with other people
Our hospital and the counsellor, generally encouraged us to be open with our future child, but one particular consultant suggested we kept the ED quiet outside of the immediate family. I never have done. If IVF comes up, I talk openly about it. Strangely though, I only do this post having dd, and the thought of saying it out loud during our fertility treatment would make me cry and very upset. If I’m honest, my feelings on infertility were that of being a failure as a woman and so saying out loud that a) I was having IVF and b) needed ED, heightened this feeling even more. For some reason, it didn’t feel as strongly after we had dd.

anonymous donor or not, pros and cons
Obviously, I only have experience of known. It has lots of benefits - blood link (my sister), looks, mannerisms, stories we can share as we know her etc. But the story of the egg donation to dd has remained the same - that a very special lady did an extraordinary thing for mummy and daddy, and that special lady will always be special to our family.

how it will feel throughout the pregnancy, at birth and through childhood

It kind of changes with each stage.
I worried during pregnancy, that dd wouldn’t want me as her mum. During the birth and the minute she was placed on my chest, all feelings of concern disappeared entirely. She was mine, I grew her, I fed her and she was my baby girl. Seriously, it didn’t even become a thing.

She’s 7 now and she has a fabulous relationship with me, and one with my sister. She knows the story and she knows she wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for my sister.

marking the loss and grieving for the child you never had with your own eggs

It’ll always be there.
I didn’t mark it as a loss as it never ever goes away. You just find ways to deal with it when it hits you harder on some days over others. I also put forward that once you are a parent, the harder days are less and less.

I hope this helps x

@MrsLucas
I’m interested to hear if you’ve had problems once the child is a teenager? Is there anything you would have done differently looking back?

This thread has been very helpful as I am in the same position. Not wanting to derail the thread, but if anyone is happy to share which clinic they chose and how/why, or just which principles they used, I would be very interested.

A lovely friend of mine has a beautiful little boy as a result of anonymous DE IVF, and is now pregnant again with a second. They’d done so many cycles of IVF with no success and both DE cycles have worked for them. Seeing her finally getting to be a Mum is so wonderful. I hope you find the right route for you.

I am mummy to a nearly 4 year old DE little boy. He is utterly gorgeous and Is the best thing I have ever done in my life. I was a bit worried as the birth got close in terms if what he would look like but as soon as he was in my arms all if that went. Our donor is anonymous as we went via IVI Alicante. Please pm me of you would like a chat xx