Letting go of frozen eggs at 10yr limit....

[Tahoe100]

My first post
Desperate to find people in similar situations. First to say I'm blessed mother to 6 yr old conceived with donor sperm (ivf own eggs, age 43). Previous complicated personal situation led to ivf cycle cancelled. I had option to freeze large amount of eggs which I did (age 39). The 10 year storage limit is days away.
I froze the eggs as at the time I thought that may be my only chance of conceiving. Now I've spent years agonizing over whether to use them. I was so determined to have my 6 yr old and something has stopped me using those eggs (a) even though I personally know a family who have a live birth from frozen egg, I was nervous about such new medical technique b) worry about risking a 2nd birth aged prob at least 45+ (am 49 now) after zero issues/probs aged 43 nearly 44. c) Not without some shame, not sure if I could mentally cope with 2 kids even though have very close and supportive family ETC Done counselling at clinic (not helpful, just told egg freezing was trailblazing in 2008 (what about cancer patients??) Own therapy, trawled internet. Only found articles about the emotions couples 'letting go' of frozen embryos go through. I realise eggs are not fertilized embryos but I'm finding this the hardest of emotional decisions even though in heart of hearts I feel I made the decision a while ago as I was 150% determined to have my little child and I know something stopped me pursuing a frozen egg sibling. Should I be simply focussing on the MANY WONDERFUL things I have in our life, and that I am the lucky one to have been able to have a child. Is it OK to still feel grief, grief at somehow 'medically controlling' the decision that my son will never have a biologically genetic sibling from same origin. ? And loss even when I'm such a grateful and lucky person with a child? Please let me know your stories. Apologies for long rambling and emotional post!! Anyone got similar stories?

You aren't the only persons trying to process how this arbitrary law impacts family decisions. It is normal to go through anger, sadness, blame - all appropriate emotions. Current vitrification freezing techniques make frozen eggs a lot more viable than they used to be but like you said age/health play a lot into pregnancy. Sounds like you made the best decisions you could for your family along the way. That deadline just adds some finality to it.

I haven't had to go through it myself, but I work with the counselling staff who do help women. They usually say to not be so hard on yourself, focus on the present like you said, and reach out to people as much as you need (like Fertility Network UK or Fertility Friends).

There are other women out there trying to seek a judicial review on increasing the term to match that of medical freezing (50 years). The activism community for this is spreading as more women are getting to that 10 year limit.

It is okay to have all those mixed feelings.

Not got my own story (although I will have in a few year’s time) but it’s absolutely ok to feel whatever you feel, including loss and and grief, regardless of the ins and outs of what you could have done.

It sounds like you’ve got some worries about your son being an only child? Have you had the chance to talk through that with someone?

I don’t know if it would help to consider all the other things that could have happened if you had used them - complications with the pregnancy or birth (including you dying - it does happen, albeit in a tiny proportion of cases); unexpected medical conditions with the new baby; not being able to mentally cope with two kids (maybe you know yourself and that would have been difficult for you, nothing to be ashamed of); possibly the eggs wouldn’t have fared as well as hoped and wouldn’t have fertilised or become part of a sustained pregnancy.

Sometimes it’s easy to think of all the ‘good’ things that could have come from a different course of action when in fact there’s no way of knowing what could have happened.

We are a hetero couple who used a donor egg and we've had to let go of our last embryo. I had a very tough pregnancy at the age of 39 and quite frankly we can't afford another child. Our clinic will not destroy the embryo until I'm 45 - I turn 43 next month , storage is 600 euros a year, and we didnt want to donate it to another couple. So we had to donate it to research. It broke me as I could only see it as another child like my son. I had to be rational that we were not going to have another child so there was just no point in continuing to store it. I am a bit sad that my son will be an only child - like I am - but we can give him a much better life as an only. He has 4 cousins already so he will have family in the furture. It's so hard OP. xxx