Donor conception when single and limited family support

[KateyA]

Hi
I’m considering using a donor as I’m 39 and a half and newly single as my ex partner has choosen not to have children.

I’m open to doing this alone but unlike lots of stories I’ve read I don’t have family who could provide regular support. I have lovely friends but again they’re busy with their own lives and not able to be there day to day

Has anyone had a baby in this type of situ?

Yes. Not the baby I later had fertility treatment for, but my first marriage broke down due to domestic violence whilst I was pregnant and I flew entirely solo after that for ten years.

It was definitely hard, especially the newborn bit, but also doable. I then used to work/study three days against childcare of four days pw, which gave me some adult daytime to do things once a week.

If your finances are okay and you’re fit, healthy and determined, it’s definitely achievable. You’ll ask friends in a real emergency and muddle through with childcare otherwise.

I have had my baby alone via a donor, and I am thankful that I have a huge family to support me. In all honesty for me it would have been really difficult during the early newborn stage without their support. You're right about friends, they are great but can't always do things that your family would. Saying all that, I know of a girl who has absolutely not family and she is managing just fine, although it has not been easy. I think whatever situation you are faced with you just some how get through it. Also without meaning to be harsh, at 39 if this is really what you want to do then there is no time like the present! Good luck.

My parents did come to stay with me for the first 4 weeks; partly for that long because I had a c-section. (They live 300 miles away so couldn't provide any support unless they were staying with me.)

Without them staying I would have had to rely on friends for lifts to the hospital for the many appointments DD needed in the first 2–3 weeks as you can't drive after a c-section. My recovery from the op was good and I was driving by week 4, at which point I managed on my own.

I am fortunate that my newborn was an 'easy' baby and I think without having had a c-section I would have coped completely fine on my own, but it was nice not to have to worry much about cooking etc.

You might be surprised (as I was) at just how supportive any nearby good friends turn out to be when your baby arrives. Friends arrived to meet the baby, but turned up with lunch and then did the washing up, hung out washing etc. Another friend always turned up with homemade chocolate biscuits and would insist that I go and sleep for an hour while she watched over DD. If you let them people will be happy to help. It was a big shift for me to accept help like this as I'm stubbornly independent usually!

The biggest emotional support actually came from my antenatal group, so you can set yourself up to have this sort of support from people who really understand what you're going through by going to antenatal classes and then to baby groups afterwards. We look after each other. In the early days we would meet for lunch and each take turns to comfort any baby that needed it while their mum ate, for example.

I am loving being mum to my DD and I have never had even a fleeting second of regret that I chose to do this.

I understand your concerns. But at 39 you are going to have to prioritise your concerns. I have friends who have spent a long time debating whether to conceive with donor sperm,, only to start so late that they have been able to conceive.
It will be harder without family, but you can make family. You can aggressively network, join groups, find single women in the same position as you. You will make it happen if this is what you want.
What about finding out if you are able to conceive while you decide? Get some tests done. Look into where you might have 'treatment' and look at costs. You can think and act at the same time.
Best of luck.

People have children in all sorts of imperfect situations and survive I am sure if you had a child you would manage

But it’s not easy without family support - we did it although we were a couple we had no family help at all and I mean that literally. Was v difficult in the initial new born stage and it’s hard to see other parents with loads of support whose lives have barely been affected by become parents eg they still go out every weekend have chikdfree holidays have grand parents who can do pick ups etc

Things like making friends at baby and toddler groups and encouraging your child to have socialable hobbies etc will help it all feel a bit easier and less claustrophobic

Also bear in mind it takes time to get pregnant then 9-10 months being pregnant etc

Good Luxk with whatever you decide !