Advice wanted re private donor
Eternity84 · 14/06/2018 14:49
Decided to look into a private sperm donor. I'm a single Mum. Can anyone who has been down this route as opposed to a clinic give me any advice please? I have the guys STI screening test results and blood group. He is happy to sign any paperwork waivering rights even tho I know this doesn't have any legal standing. Is there anything else I should be finding out?
Also what did others say to midwives, hospital etc. Did you make it clear it was through artificial insemination? Hoping to hear positive stories. Thankyou
Persipan · 14/06/2018 15:55
The 'not having any legal standing' thing is pretty key - legally, if you don't have treatment via a clinic, he could later assert that he's the father of any child you have.
The other thing I'd ask is, is this someone you know yourself, or someone you've found through other means? I've heard quite a lot of horror stories of women who've meet men who said they'd donate, but then wanted to change the arrangement to something more... ermmmm... 'natural', so I'd advise being very cautious and making sure you're completely comfortable with things, before you proceed. It would also be good to know if he's donated/plans to donate to other families - thinking in terms of how many potential half-siblings any potential child might have.
Rockhopper81 · 16/06/2018 22:46
I have found a donor to donate to me as a single mum. I was abundantly clear that I was only looking for an AI donor - and I did get plenty of responses from guys who only did NI donation, despite my insistence on AI - but that I was somewhat open to level of contact. I don't want a co-parent, but I wasn't opposed to occasional contact, to and example.
My donor lives about 90mins away from me, so I book a hotel room for the right-ish time, he comes and does his bit (whilst I wait outside!), then I do my part. It's very much like a business transaction, which suits me perfectly - I'm not looking for a friend, I don't need to have deep and meaningful conversations.
I made sure the donor knew I have PCOS, so it was likely to take plenty of attempts to be successful (which it hasn't been yet!), and I needed to know they were okay with that - I really didn't want to have to find someone else after one donation as it hadn't worked (I actually had another donor lined up at the beginning of the year, who ended up letting me down and then couldn't find time the next cycle either - it was a good thing in retrospect, just annoying at the time).
My donor now showed me confirmation of being STI clear. He also used to donate to a clinic, but is now just over the age they accept, so would like to help a couple more people this way. He showed me the letter confirming his donations have been used in 6 live births, and he has said he doesn't want to have more than 10 donor children (although he would possibly make an exception for a sibling) as this is the guideline for clinics. He doesn't want lots of genetic offspring, which I found reassuring really.
If and when it is successful, I plan on telling doctors/nurses/midwives etc. that it is a donor conceived baby. I'm not ashamed of it, and I hope to start as I mean to go on in that sense - if you 'own it' (as much as it's not my favourite phrase) from the word go, your donor conceived children won't see anything wrong with it either. And I'm the least confident person you could ever meet (although bizarrely outspoken with medical personnel, go figure!), so if I can manage it, anyone can!
Good luck to you - I'm due to meet with my donor next weekend, so I'll have fingers crossed for us both in the upcoming weeks!
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