help, support and advice please from an infertile couple who may need donor sperm

[MrsDarcy4092]

Hello all
i have hopped over here from the infertility boards. My DH and I have been trying for a baby for over 3 and a half years. We knew after a year that we had male factor infertility - severely. So he was referred to urology and then eventually to Mr Ramsay who specialises in male fertility. We have explored it all, diet change, bmi in healthy range, never smoked, never really drunk alcohol but stopped completely for past year (both of us) given up caffeine for the past 6 months and taking vitamins and he is also doing reflexology. We have thrown everything at it. We started out first ICSI cycle and had egg collection yesterday, to add to the problems i ovulated prior to egg collection so only 2 mature eggs were collected. Today the embryologist has said one has fertilised but actually the sperm looked so abnormal that if this cycle is not successful we need to look at using donor. So, there is a chance that this little embryo may defeat the odds and may be our baby. However, what seems more likely is it wont survive and we will be then facing the decision of using donor sperm.

Its something we have discussed previously and are both open to exploring it. Although obviously we will need to take time to grieve properly and take stock and attend counselling.

However, what i want to know is a little more about donor please. How you go about it, we would want to do it through a clinic so where do we chose the sperm from? did you find it affected the pregnancy and bonding? what difficulties have you faced raising your child? any advice?

Thank you

If you haven't done so already, I suggest you get in touch with Donor Conception Network.

I know a bit about this as I have three dc conceived with donor sperm (DH has zero sperm count caused by genetic fault)! Our first dd was conceived in Jan 2005, which makes us a bit different from people using donor sperm now as our donor is and will remain anonymous. The rules allowed us to save samples so that our other children have the same donor, so they'll all be in the same boat.

Re choosing donor-we had some choice but not loads which, in a funny way, made it easier. Had I had full cv, photos, etc it would have been hugely difficult. As it was, we chose same hair colour as dc and roughly same height (DH is very tall). Blood group less important for us because we intended to be and have been (from very tiny, but discussions have become more sophisticated as they've got older) open about how they were conceived, although fairly private with everyone else (close family and friends know-it's not a secret but hardly a coffee morning acquaintance chat!).

I can honestly say that of all the challenges parenting has thrown up, the DC issue has been nothing at all. The children are not all that interested, although DD1 decided that the usual way of conception is so disgusting that she intends to use a donor. I had to break it to her that that isn't how it works!

We were lucky, as I fell pregnant easily with donor sperm and so we never went further than unmediated IUI. I did have miscarriages when trying for DS (DC2). Generally though, once we got everything sorted with donor etc, the clinic were amazing and we feel extraordinarily lucky.

Donor parenting is, as fat as I can tell, indistinguishable from anyone else's. There haven't been constant questions about donors yet, DD2 (6) knows there was a "donut" involved, which pleases her greatly. It may get tougher when DD1 and the others get into teens and beyond, but the general advice seems to be that children get to grips with it extremely easily if there is openness from the start. I told all three of mine when they were less than three months old, to practise the language and feel comfortable and to properly be able to say they've always known.

Sorry not to have anything more dramatic to say! Do PM if you'd like-happy to help with any questions.

Thank you so much for your informative reply, it sounds like you have a lovely family.
It's so nice to hear how it can work so well. Did it take you and your partner sometime to accept his infertility ?
Thank you again

I think so-but I think I took longer just because I have the personality to mither on stuff. He was more "okay, no sperm, let's get on with it". We had a tricky moment where I wanted to investigate sperm retrieval and he didn't. Thing is, there was very little chance of having usable sperm, we'd have needed to do complicated icsi and Pre implantation genetic testing because there was a three in four chance of at least passing on the propensity to have repeated miscarriages or the same condition he has and the only place we could do that was then 200 miles away. I can see now, especially having done treatment relatively locally, how very difficult that would have been even with the first baby. So he was right.

I also think that I accepted it all very quickly when we first found out because I was so keen to get on with it. Then, I was hugely lucky to get pregnant first time. I had counselling during the pregnancy (we'd had it before treatment too) and a lot of it was coming to terms with the unknowns and fear of being "different". That came as much from me having a bit of an odd family and not wanting the same for my children. Now, I can honestly say that them being donor conceived has had no impact on them so far. I wish I'd been more confident of that. Me as their mother? Who knows?

What I mean is it hit me when I was pregnant and I had time to think. All unknowns, no truth in my fears, but still, a bit funny.

Thank you so much. We got the news today that the one embryo didn't make it. We will take time to process this and come to terms before making next step plans but your information is really helpful, thank you