Donor Children

[Lemonwhacker]

I have no clue what the title of this thread should be, so I will do my best not to drip feed. Sorry if this is a bit long.

I'm in a gay relationship with my GF for almost 5 years, we aren't married.

We decided to try for a baby and conceived on the second attempt. We didn't go through a clinic and actually used a donor we got to know for 5 months, before going ahead with trying to conceive at home. The donor wishes to remain anonymous and have no contact, but will be available should there be a medical emergency or should we want siblings. He is truly a great guy and gave me all sorts of information about himself, his family etc. We still keep in contact as we wished to update him (seemed the least we could do).

I'm almost 38 weeks and now that I'm on maternity leave my brain has gone into overdrive, thinking of everything and anything regarding how our daughter will feel about being a donor child.

I have got a basic profile of the donor for our child which lists quite a bit about his family, a lot about the donor in general and I do have some pictures for our child so should they be curious I have information to hand.

We aren't on the gay scene (not that it matters) and we do not know any gay families at all, so I have no one to ask any questions to because we also don't know any families that conceived via donor sperm.

First of all, we plan on being honest from the very beginning, I don't believe in hiding the truth or digging our heads in the sand, but I want us to be as fully prepared as possible.

So I guess my questions to any parents of donor children are;

When did you think it was appropriate to tell your child that they were created using a donor?

What kind of questions did your child/ren ask?

How did your child react to finding out they were a donor child?

Were they curious about their biological father?

Are there any books you can recommend for the child to read as they get older?

Was it just one chat about where your child came from or has it been revisited several times so your child has a greater understanding?

(Specifically for parents who are gay) Did or have your children had any problems at school or with other children in general?

My questions for donor children I guess are;

How did you feel?

Did it change your view of yourself or your family?

Were you glad you were told or would you prefer not to have known?

Did you feel like part of you was 'missing' as a result of being a donor child?

Is there anything you wish you had known sooner rather than later?

Can you give any insight to what she may feel?

Did you accept it at first, then as you got older found it difficult to come to terms with?

Did you ever want to find the donor to ask them questions?

How did you find school if you were raised by gay parents or if you told your friends that you were a donor child?

I get that I am thinking way too far ahead and possibly too much, but I fully believe in being prepared and wanting to be able to support my child in all aspects.

If you've got to the end, without thinking I am completely insane and wish to reply please do. [Smile]

Have you had a look at the Donor Conception Network site? You'd probably find them really helpful.

And congratulations!

Also in gay relationship, first child on the way.
The clinic we used had a psychologist, mostly for couples suffering because of their infertility but she did a presentation for queer parents.
She said that in her experience donor kids with two mums had a better experience than in heterosexual families. Her theories were that two mums have to be honest from the start that someone else was involved so it doesn't become a secret or a source of shame, and also that out gay people are used to being outside the norm and so are stronger from all that training. Just her point of view, of course, but it rang true for me.
She also said that kids do better when it's clear that the mysterious stranger is a donor not a father. Mum and Mama are the parents.
We are going to buy all the books we can get our hands on.
We're going to say as early as possible that a kind stranger gave us a cell that we used to grow a baby, etc. We have ivf kids and adopted kids and single parents by choice in our immediate family so lots of ways to talk about how families can be different.
We've realised that we have to be 100% confident about the situation as any uncertainty will get passed on.
Good luck! Wanted children are the happiest, so all of our kids will be fine.

Have you looked at We Are Family magazine?
Also (based on friends' experience), strongly recommend the Donor Conception Network.

I guess my questions to any parents of donor children are;

When did you think it was appropriate to tell your child that they were created using a donor? From the word go - it's never been hidden. I read him a book by DCN from the time he was very young

What kind of questions did your child/ren ask? Not much actually

How did your child react to finding out they were a donor child? See above - he tells people he doesn't have a dad

Were they curious about their biological father? Not really although he does like to tell people he's half X (the bio dad's nationality)

Are there any books you can recommend for the child to read as they get older? We're about to start a novel called Archie something that DCN has written. Will report back!

Was it just one chat about where your child came from or has it been revisited several times so your child has a greater understanding? We talk about it fairly frequently. We are a member of a local single mums DC group and go to meet ups 4x a year. But 10 years down the line, it's a bit like having blue eyes or long legs, just a fact about himself (and not the most interesting one)

(Specifically for parents who are gay) Did or have your children had any problems at school or with other children in general? I'm not in a relationship but I have had other children ask me why DS doesn't have a dad. I just say that everyone has a father but not everyone has a dad.

I can ask him your questions when he's home from school if you like. He's 10.

As another poster has said, the DC Network has been brilliant. They produce a newsletter which often features interviews with DC children talking about their experiences. They also do workshops and conferences as well as the local groups which I think are really important for the kids as much as for the parents.

Hi All,

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I'm going to look at the donor conception network as soon as I have finished typing this post.

Girl It's interesting that your psychologist thought a child raised with 2 mums had a better experience. It definitely won't be a secret or source of shame in our household, we consider ourselves very lucky to have our little one. We live in a city so you would think that I would have found a few LGBT families by now. Either way, we'll be making sure we socialise our baby straight away. We will also be wording the whole kind stranger helped us create you, kind of thing. Although we have to think about exactly how we want to word it. I've wanted children for years but wanted to make sure I had a stable home, job and some savings to fall back on. It still feels a little surreal that she will be here soon.

Flying I'll definitely look for that magazine!

Jiggly Thank you for answering the questions. It's reassuring to know that your child seems to have taken it all in his stride. There is definitely more to a child than how they were conceived. I will definitely use the line 'Everyone has a father, but not everyone has a dad'. If it won't make him uncomfortable answering a strange hormonal pregnant woman's questions please, by all means, ask him.

Right, I am off to read all the information the DC network has, thank you so much for your time to reply. I am so blooming excited to meet our little girl it's untrue, we both are. :D

I totally nicked that line from one of my friends at the DC group so use it with my blessing

Hi Jiggly I've just signed up to DCN after reading this thread. How do you access local groups?