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Donor conception

For anyone with experience of sperm or egg donation to share support and advice. Please remember this board isn’t for debate about donor conception.

Original poster

My sister needs an egg donor...

28 replies

Rubbishsister · 12/12/2016 21:56

Hi all,

My only sister is in her mid-30s and has never been pregnant. She and her husband have been TTC for a while (unexplained infertility), have had some IUI without success and are now waiting for IVF.
She seems to feel that the infertility is all "her fault" and the IVF won't work (I think this is because they have had trouble getting her to make follicles on the IUI cycles? and sperm counts etc are fine)
My mum, who is also finding this really hard, says my sister is also sad because everyone around her is pregnant/ having babies, and she (sis) doesn't understand why no one has offered to donate eggs to her. Mum is saying this to warn me, not to shit-stir. My mum is desperate for sis to get pregnant- she will be a great mum, and is really struggling with this.
I'm a bit older, and have children already. I'm not planning to have more, lots of reasons including having had life-threatening complications around delivery. Obviously I am first person to turn to as a donor. My gut reaction is that I can't do it. I would give a kidney to my sister or parent or child at the drop of a hat, but in my heart I know that if she had a child using my donated eggs, I would always look at that child as being mine. I don't think I could watch him/her being brought up by someone else. I don't want to have a child "with" my BIL, and I don't want my children to have a half-sibling who doesn't live with them. My husband feels similarly and doesn't want me to do it.

My sister says that if she had to use donor eggs she would only want to do this from a known donor so that she could tell the child about their donor. I think this is really brave and said with the best motives, but I really worry whether this would be confusing for the children involved.

Sorry- this is really long. I feel guilty and awful for not wanting to do this, but I can't help feeling that I wouldn't really be doing my sister a good turn if I felt like this about her child. But I'm worried that she"ll be devastated if IVF fails and then she approaches me about being a donor and I say no.
Can those of you who have been through this help me? Would I even be able to be a donor as I have had Obstetric cholestasis and So I'm not sure if the IVF hormones would be safe for me?
I'm preparing myself for some less than sympathetic replies, as I know that most of you on here have experience of infertility, but I hope you can help.

OP posts:
FlyingCat · 12/12/2016 22:01

I think you absolutely should not donate and well done for being so clear on your reasons.
Not wanting to could unfortunately result in a rift in your family but donating with your concerns almost certainly would cause a rift.

FlyingCat · 12/12/2016 22:03

Nb I'm one of those who has experienced infertility and at one point was considering a donor egg but I could not accept an egg from someone who felt as you do - I don't think I could ever properly reconcile being a mum to a child who's donor also considered it their own child.

Manumission · 12/12/2016 22:10

Not wanting to, for the reasons you've given, is quite legitimate and you don't need to look for further explanations.

Known donors have to be entirely voluntary and altruistic where they're used at all and even then the whole area can be fraught with difficulties.

Has your DSis had any counselling around reproductive choices generally or donation issues specifically yet?

EvenTheWind · 12/12/2016 22:14

Absolutely do not do it in the situation you mention.

You may also be too old for the best chance of success at donation.

sparechange · 12/12/2016 22:16

Clinics are usually very reluctant to accept donor eggs from anyone over 35, even when it's a known donor/family member so the decision may well be out of your hands anyway.
Plus if she wants to maximise her chances, the clinic would be pointing her towards eggs that are younger than she is

Original poster
Rubbishsister · 14/12/2016 15:25

Thank you all.
I don't think she's had any counselling- money is a bit of an issue and I think she is spending a lot on vitamins/supplements/acupuncture which I hav no faith in, but maybe I will see if I can suggest that.
Totally agree my eggs may be rubbish- but have seen other posters saying they were accepted as known donors even though over the HFEA age limit for anonymous donors- and I am not much past 35 so I though I might be accepted.
Thank you for listening.

OP posts:
Lunar1 · 14/12/2016 15:36

Honestly, if you know this is something you can't do I'd have to lie to her and have a medical reason-poor eggs or something. I'm sure I'll be flamed for this but it's an easier way to say no than the truth.

bertiebunny · 07/01/2017 08:09

Hi rubbishsister is this still an issue for you? I disagree with lunar because your sister will be briefed by the medical team and know all the medical ins and outs of what is and is not possible. anything other than the truth will come out in the wash and have a negative effect on your relationship. I have personal experience of this from your sisters perspective with a family member so private message me if you want a friendly chat about my experience, I'd be happy to share. It's not easy x

bertiebunny · 07/01/2017 08:11

I do agree though it's probably not right for you for the reasons you've mentioned, so it's all about the handling x

Gallavich · 07/01/2017 08:14

Is t the ovarian stimulation process quite risky? I don't know anything about the condition you have but combined with the risks in the harvesting process I would say you probably aren't a candidate anyway.

Cutesbabasmummy · 09/01/2017 20:32

You would be required to.undergo counselling before donating. They need to ensure you see the egg as just a piece of tissue and not a baby. I don't think it's the right thing for you and if you did go ahead it could cause serious issues in the future x

NikkiMichelle83 · 22/01/2017 22:11

Hi Rubbishsister,
I'm in exactly the same boat. Its so hard isn't it. My sister had cancer when she was young and can no longer have children. She wants me to donate eggs, which will then be mixed with her OH's sperm - and grown by a surrogate mother. I've told me sister I feel it would be too weird. Knowing the child would be half mine and living in a completely different country. Me and my sister also aren't super close - and I'm sure I would feel concerns over how she raised the child / her parenting style.
I know she is super gutted, and I wish I could help - but know deep down it would tear me up inside.
Always here if you want to chat or PM. I'm thinking of writing my sister an email to outline some of the points you've touched upon too- to make it clear and draw a line under it all. I might also offer to lend her money for egg donation. Super tough and I feel your pain.
Xx Nikki xx

Littleelffriend · 29/03/2017 20:33

I'm considering donating eggs

Anonymousdonor · 02/05/2017 13:07

Is your sister actively looking for a donor? I have previously been a donor and would be happy to discuss this further x

Kimalexandra · 31/08/2017 19:15

I will donate xx

ittooshallpass · 31/08/2017 19:25

Despite me being 4 years younger than my sister the clinic she attended wanted a much younger donor. The donor was in early 20s. It is unlikely that you would be considered.

Kimalexandra · 31/08/2017 20:07

I'm 24 and will donate ! Xx

Godluvme18 · 27/09/2017 20:23

Hi all! Am new on here, currently looking for an Afro Caribbean egg donor as I have been ttc for over five years and several failed cycles and POF and currently been told this is my only chance, will appreciate any advice or suggestions. Thanks

Meshelley · 30/03/2019 08:11

Hi there

Could you help me too, we are desperate for a baby and need a black egg donor?

Meshelley · 30/03/2019 08:13

Hi

Are you still looking to donate?

Meshelley · 30/03/2019 08:14

Hi

Are you still considering donating eggs?

Meshelley · 30/03/2019 08:22

Hi all

Just joined this site, looks great, love the banter and discussions taking place. My husband and I have been on the IVF journey for many years now and still awaiting success. We are desperate to have our baby.

My last treatment was a Donor egg cycle but no embroyos formed as the clinic messed up, I am due another cycle but the clinic are finding it difficult in locating a black egg donor with good eggs.

Can anyone help, preferably someone in their 20's of black African or Caribbean heritage?

We are based in London and in our mid to late 40's, so time is against us!

pisces1996 · 10/05/2019 22:07

Hi Meshelley, I am 23 black african british, born & raised in London... I'd be happy to donate... I am going to work with Altrui! Only company I trust

Millionx · 17/06/2019 19:04

Hello all,
My beloved sister who also has helped me much in the past now needs me as her egg donor due to conception complications. I'm willing to do it but my husband is strongly against it, to the extent of giving up our marriage with two kids if ever I decided to go ahead. I'm really caught in the middle as I love my sister so much and would love to gift her the joy of motherhood. I'm healthy, younger and in my early 30s...what do I do as I can't afford to break my sister's heart by saying no. She and her fiancee aren't too boyant to afford a donor. I'm kind of her only hope. Please I need advice

H2OH20Everywhere · 19/06/2019 10:35

Millionx sounds tough. Could you and your DH pay for a donor for her instead?

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