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Donor conception

Who do you tell?

9 replies

raininginspringtime · 05/04/2016 08:54

Who, if anyone, do you tell about your child's history? I understand if you are in a hetrosexual couple it probably won't come up much as people just assume but if you are single or in a same sex couple are there ever any awkward questions? :)

OP posts:
Cally70 · 10/04/2016 06:28

I'm single & have 2 donor conceived sons. I'm open & honest with anyone that asks. I'd rather people knew the truth than made up their own version. I'm also proud of my decision to go it alone & I want the boys to be proud too Smile

greenlizard · 10/04/2016 12:29

I am in a heterosexual relationship. I have two step children, one donor conceived son and another on the way. So far we have disclosed the donor status to our immediate friends and family. You are right nobody has really asked despite the fact that we are in our mid to late 40's but if someone asked outright I would tell them.

We are planning on telling our DS and our as yet unborn child about their background which was why we chose to receive a UK donor. We wanted any children born to have the option of approaching the donor if they wanted to later in life.

We are planning on telling our step children when we tell them about this pregnancy now we feel that they are a little bit older and able to understand it a bit more. I don't really want their to be any secrecy surrounding my babies at all - I wouldn't want their to be an implication of shame in how they came to be.

Jollyphonics · 15/04/2016 06:16

I'm exactly the same as Cally - I tell anyone who asks. I have never been openly criticised for it. My boys are now 11 and 7 and they know too.

jenkait · 24/04/2016 23:28

I'm soon to become a single mom by choice (38 years old, and 38 weeks along!) My family, friends, co-workers, and basically anyone who's asked knows. If people have thought it was bad idea, they haven't said so, which is awesome (I don't mind if they personally don't think it's a good idea, but appreciate if so they have kept their opinion to themselves!) Most people have actually been quite supportive.

My child will know too. It helps that 1) I know other single moms by choice, and 2) my youngest brother is gay and married to a man, and they're looking into having kids now too. While it may be unusual, I feel like my son will at least be in a situation when he's young that alternative families like ours will seem quite "normal" to him.

I have a SUPER NOSY neighbor who is starting to ask me all sorts of questions even now, and since she's just a busybody I'm shutting her down at every turn. ("Why are you asking? Why do you need to know? I think that's my business" etc) I've had to be downright rude to this person actually, it's feels uncomfortable to be rude TBH but I know this person is just asking to be nosy and gossip! I don't care IF she knows what I'm doing, but I'll be damned if she thinks my personal life is open season and she can ask me anything. (in the same way it would be okay if your neighbors know you're getting a divorce, but that doesn't mean you're ok with them coming up and asking, "so did he cheat? so when are you going to start dating again?", etc).

GrumpyMcGrumpyFace · 01/05/2016 15:05

DD knows. Family know. Some friends know.

TBH I feel like it's not my story any more. It's DD's story and it's her choice as to who she tells about her conception. She is still very young (6) and although she knows how she was conceived she still struggles to articulate it and to fully understand. She hasn't told any of her friends other than she doesn't have a daddy. We've practiced things that she can say to her friends but she doesn't feel confident enough to say anything. I guess it will just take time and I will continue to be honest and open with her in an age appropriate way.

What are you struggling with?

miamiaMo · 03/05/2016 17:00

Jollyphonics- great point of view

Elibean · 19/05/2016 18:58

I told all my close friends, and family, before I was even pregnant. Friends because it was my struggle and I needed their support, family because I wanted them to get used to the idea of my future child/ren not being genetically related to them (we used donated eggs).

As the girls grew, it became more their story than mine. They've always known, they also know all our family knows and my close friends (they've never cared much either way about that!) and who they tell after that is up to them. Working well so far - they are 12 and 9 Smile

Nice to see this topic having a space of its own!

Hayze80 · 31/05/2016 18:26

My story's a bit different because although we're a heterosexual couple we have 2 children naturally but both with autism. We've both been really vocal about not having any more because of the risks of autism again. DS has Asperger's, which is fine, but DD is severely autistic (non-verbal, angry, the lot) and I wouldn't want to put another child through what she's been through. That's why we chose donor embryos. I've told pretty much everyone that knows me because my apparent change of heart came as such a surprise. Anyone I meet from now on I probably won't mention it to, but if asked about autism risks, I'll tell them. Planning on telling child anyway.

ncayley115 · 25/08/2016 15:24

My story is a bit like Hayze80. I am fertile but decided to use a donor egg to avoid passing on a genetic condition that is as yet un named and un classified. Our son is very much my child - I have photos of me carrying him and him breastfeeding after he was born. A lot of people think he looks a bit like me. He is the spit of his daddy. WE haven't decided if we will tell him or not. Our treatment was in Spain so he cant trace the donor.

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