I just got told today I didn’t get a band 6 job I had applied for .
That’s per se it’s ok, however the whole process really put me in a really bad spot mentally where I feel a complete failure in every aspect of my life.
It’s been a shamble , they took 4 weeks to get back to us , talking about redeployment of other staff , changing the number of posts available . I still don’t know how many got the job.
Anyway I didn’t , and my friend/ colleague did. She , on discussing the interview , told me she had run out of time to complete the table top exercise. I didn’t . There was a question we both didn’t answer properly , nobody did tbh , feel like it was there to trick you . The one that I got bad feedback in was about giving an example of a change I introduced . I haven’t really . Neither has she, she told me she can’t remember what she answered . You would remember a change you have developed and introduced to the department though , wouldn’t you ? Besides another colleague who definitely intruduced a change didn’t get the job either. She rang me up in tears x I honestly feel this wasn’t just the interview. It was about finally getting a little bit of recognition for the work we have been doing , us band 5, over the past 5 years . They haven’t hired any 6s for a very long time ( years) . And our daily job has little to do with the interview questions .
I absolutely lost my sanity to that place , trying do to soo much . Looking after the patients , the staff, junior staff, paramedics …being bullied because ED attracts alpha personality , a lot find pleasure in put others down .
I’m constantly working above my grade on a daily basis. I take charge of resus , I triage, train the junior , fixed all their problems , keep an eye on the doctors too..it’s a lot in ED and I’m a band 5 . I don’t get pay for it .
I prepared massively for the interview, I have gone out of my confort zone as I do not like taking charge fundamentally. I like to be a good band 5, I think it’s sooo important to have a competent , highly experienced nurse at bedside . I definitely spotted sick patient who would have been missed by doctors , fractures that were missed on X-rays . Like , I’m very harsh on myself in general , but I do know that I’m a good nurse, with a very strong clinical knowledge.
yet, here I am, not good enough.
And the place is toxic so you can just read it on the face of people proudly walking in their navy blue “ I’m better than you “ …I get to tell you what to do because I’m a 6 and you are just a 5 . It’s soo disappointing after you pour soo much dedication to it .
today I just started crying uncontrollably at home , I think it’s stress, anger and a lot of feeling it’s all for nothing . I feel like I’m good at nothing .
I can’t afford to not work . My partner would like a second child and I always felt like ( on top of me being old anyway I’m nearly 36 + we had our first who died ) , that it would have stopped , yet again, my chance of progressing at work . It’ll be another year and half out of work. And of course costs .of it ….so I was like well maybe if I get this job and I can increase my income we could give it a try . Obviously now it’s not happening . I can’t retrain or dedicate myself to my hobbies because the job is all consuming anyway …nights / weekends.
I feel like I need to get in the set of mind that work doesn’t define your worth as an individual and should be content to stay a good band 5 , because I’m just not good enough for a 6 . I get more recognition from the doctors , a few have said I deserved the job, but the nurses just do not see me at all. This time it’s my friends, next time it’ll be someone else ….its so frustrating and hard to now go back to do the job I have been told I clearly wasn’t good enough to obtain. Feel completely trapped there , can’t go back , can’t move forward , can’t go sideways as there are no jobs . Cant retrain in anything as I can’t afford to not be in work …
what am I doing there ?
I feel like I really need to change my mindset towards work, but I really dedicated myself to it and honesty today I completely crashed , as I feel like I completely wasted my time and it’s not gonna come back . And the person who got it, she is a good nurse, but I’m not any worse than her . It’s unfair and I’m angry that I’m letting this ruining my day and my life .
sorry for the rant but I really needed to write it down .