Ex wants to reopen financial settlement and has cut child maintenance

[BusyCee]

Urgh. I was in a Very Difficult Relationship for 16yrs, married for 10. 3 children between 10 and 15. They live with me, and the eldest never sees him, the youngest rarely sees him and the middle one sees him roughly alternate weekends. I left him in March '25 after 2yrs of counselling and finally coming to the realisation that he is never going to change. He just does not care about anyone except himself, and constantly adapts narratives and truths to suit his own needs (he's a narc).

Since March 25 we've been trying to sort the financial settlement. He didn't want to use solcs and so we negotiated directly with my Solc in the background. He exploited a eye-wateringly high mortgage payment to force me into a settlement that leaves me with the house I bought before I met him and monthly mortgage repayments + utilities etc that leave me c. £1,000 shortfall, and a 17yo car (I have an inheritance of £37k from my grandmother who died after we separated and so should not form part of the settlement). He takes everything else, including over £160k cash, his £40k+ ISA, his pension (he promised to set up a pension for me through his business, saying it was worth £10k, but it transpired in Jan '25 he had not). In the process he did not give full and frank disclosure, he constantly changed the goal posts, he said he was getting legal advice and then did not and was generally disruptive. Early this summer he signed the Final Financial Consent Order and we've ended up c. 60/40 division. I find this very hard as there was financial control in the relationship and a highly unequal contribution to the marriage (although he was primary earner we lived first in the house I bought before I met him, then took the equity from that house + £70k of my savings to buy a new family home and rent out the first one). ... although I'm learning that I'm going to have to suck that up.

He has been dragging his heels in completing and signing the D81 for the Court. In the last month he told me that he was finding it hard that we had once loved each other and that I am now treating him like shit on my shoe (not true, I am limiting contact because he is so difficult) and as a result he had briefed a solicitor. Then he asked me to consent to splitting the remaining sum in the frozen joint account, I declined as he hadn't yet confirmed whether he had or had not briefed a Solc. Then the letter from his Solc arrived and he is claiming that he was 'persuaded' to sign the Consent Order, that his poor mental health meant he was not in a fit state to do so, and that he wants to renegotiate the settlement. He has also claimed that he now earns only £12,750 per year, has done the calculation on the Govt website and has unilaterally, with no warning, reduced his maintenance contributions from £650pcm to £179.40 pcm for all three children as of this month.

My solc contacted me yesterday to say he's had initial discussion with his Solc and he suspects they are going to make a big deal of his poor mental health and that he did not have legal representation. My Solc says he's concerned this will find favour with the family court and that they may re-open negotiations, which may mean that he is able to claim the remaining £10k in the frozen joint account (which the settlement said would be split 50/50), continue to pay a pittance in maintenance contributions or worst case put a charge on my home so that when my youngest reaches 18 I have to pay him.

I just cannot believe this is happening. He's gone from being the primary earner with an income of over £65,000 a year and a thriving business, to claiming a pittance. Meanwhile my earning potential is limited because I am self-employed and have a 13yr career break. I currently can't guarantee I'll make ends meet every month. I am really worried that he is going to drown me, leaving me struggling to keep my head above water for the children. I appreciate I'm naive, but there doesn't seem to be any protection in place to ensure that the children's needs actually do come first.

I'm scared to ask but... does anyone have experience of this? Does the Family Court see and recognise this pattern? Do they care? Is there any protection at all for my children, or is it all down to me now? (I don't mind if it is... I just don't want him to take any more than he already has taken, and I want it all to just stop and to have some peace and stability).

Has a court signed off on the initial settlement? It seems grossly unfair to you ☹️ Now that solicitors are officially involved, maybe everything should be back on the table. Negotiate again from the start. It will be more misery for you, having to deal with him, but hopefully worth it in the long run. Particularly as you will be the one supporting the children pretty much solo.

I'm in Australia so may be different here, but a paying parent can't just quit their job to get out of child support. If they've been earning x amount for years, then they are assessed on that as their earning potential. Do you think he would get medical confirmation of his 'mental illness'?

He signed the Consent Order but is reneging before it has got to court. My Solc does not give me confidence that all will be well, I get the sense that he’s preparing me for brace for an response from his Solc that will either see me offering him more money or going to court. I agree this seems u reasonable given the children live with me and I took a career break…. But he’s capitalising on his mental ill health (which ebbs and flows as it suits him) and has just decided not to contribute it seems.

His pension must be worth a lot so that should be on the table. A judge will look at the DC being housed. They live with you and you paid for the house so the chances are you'd get lions share of equity in house. He has an ISA of £40k plus, so that's up for grabs. There is savings of £160k so that should be split equally. Your inheritance will be discounted as you didn't get it until after you were separated. A judge will look at earnings potential and if he earned £65k before then he has potential to earn same again. Go through CMS for child maintenance. If he starts working again in years to come it will be reassessed. You have kept the love of your DC. It sounds like he's lost one DC and in danger of losing a second. He will regret it in years to come.

It should alllll go back on the table.

If the split was 60/40 in your favour does that mean you have the house with £300k equity in it? Was the second house sold? After the inheritance are you entitled to UC if you are so short? This £10k sounds like it such a minor part of the joint assets and the shortfall you have that split as planned originally it would even bail you out for 6 months, before the solicitors are paid. Unless he wants it all to be renegotiated? Is there cheaper housing that would suit your needs?

So yes. ‘Other’ family home sold. The children and I are now in the house I bought before I met him (appreciate this is now meaningless). There’s c. £300k equity in this + the £150k repayment mortgage. Awaiting Land Registry to complete the Transfer of Equity and its mine (forms already signed and submitted). Worth saying that it’s one dbl, one single and a box room. I sleep in the living room (there’s another downstairs room for tv etc).

From the sale of the ‘Other’ house I took c. £240k to enable me to get the £150k mortgage. He took £160k cash.

I’m quite keen to just get it over and done with. I’m exhausted by it. By him. My solc scared me when he said Family Court would be sympathetic to his mental health issues and absence of legal advice in negotiations (this was all his choice - I have emails evidencing this).

I’m worried that despite having been primary earner while I took a 13yr career break to have the children, that won’t matter. He’ll plead poverty and I’ll end up having to subsidise his laziness and victimhood. I veer from fury at him to terror at how far he might go in drowning me. He seems determined to take as much as he can regardless of the impact to the children.

What do you mean you took 250k to enable 150k mortgage? Are you saying you have they 300k equity from first home then 250k from second, while he has 160k from the second plus some other cash? Or something different. ?

I would say that everything should now go back on the table for negotiation. It sounds like the current 60/40 split in your favour was reasonable for as long as his earning potential was higher than yours. If it’s true that it now isn’t, then a judge will go back to a 50/50 starting point and assess based on the facts in front of them.

My now DH had a similar situation with his ex. She insisted she didn’t want a solicitor (even though he had one) and had accepted an arrangement - 60/40 split of assets in her favour but with her continuing to live in family home until kids are 18, and him continuing to pay half the mortgage for that time plus maintenance (kids were 6 and 8 so was a significant commitment for him and not a clean break). She changed her mind, thought she could get more, got a solicitor, and it ended up going to court. Judge forced the sale of the family home and everything was split 50/50.

The consent order needs to go before a judge who will need to be assured that the agreement had informed consent. Essentially that you both took appropriate legal advise on all matters and that all relevant information was known by both parties. They will also want assurance that there was no coercion to sign and that both of you had capacity.

Your ex is claiming he didn’t have legal advice and presumably that his mental health impaired his capacity. You could counter claim that this is a delaying tactic but you would need to show evidence of this. It won’t really be a matter of whether the judge believes you or him but more what can be proven.

In terms of his income reducing because of this mental health you will want to show that this temporary. A mental health illness can be long term or situational or a combination of both. The former can be recognised as a disability. It can impact on employment and ability to work. However it can be treated and managed allowing many people to work.

If the negotiations reopen your best approach is argue his drop in income is temporary, related to the stress of the divorce. When the situation changes he and his income will recover.

In terms of your career break and what that means in a divorce. If you want a larger settlement because of it you will need to show you would be earning a lot more had you continued to work and had active career progression in the bag. Otherwise the fact that he financially supported you, provided all the capital and provided for the family during this period is taken into account. Why does that make you furious at him?

Wrt mental ill health - is he able to document this? As you say ‘his business’ I assume he is self employed. Has he voluntarily reduced his working hours or income he pays himself or has documented ill health forced this situation?

My ex made a big deal of his poor mental health that emerged after the first FDR hearing (he claimed poor mental health for decades and his claims were never evidenced) but this cannot be documented as impacting on earning capacity as he ‘just’ takes antidepressants and had some private counselling. This was never tested as we settled before final hearing.

Can you confirm that you have disposed of and split assets before finalising the financial order? What does your solicitor say about this?

I suspect he may be trying to pull a fast one - not having to file a form E means he’s effectively ringfenced his pension, personal savings and business but is now claiming ill health and reduced income to cut his child maintenance and increase share of assets. I would consider filing for FDR to give yourself bargaining power and force disclosure before agreeing to a new consent order. Your solicitor should request proof of mental ill health and unavoidable decrease in earning potential.

Have you seen a CETV for his pension? If not ask for it immediately.