Co-parenting - Money given to one child only

[Whatisbest26]

I’m divorced with 4 children aged 9-15 50/50 care with ex. For various reasons, DD13 decided a year ago she didn’t want to live with ex and has not seen him for over a year. They send the odd text but she has not wanted to meet up.

Lately, he has started putting money directly into her bank account (which is linked to his account). I’m taking everyone on holiday this week and he has given her money for the trip.

Thing is, he has only given her money, not her siblings. I don’t know how I feel about this, it feels unfair to me. Surely he should treat everyone equally. Or am I overreacting?

Incidentally, he doesn’t pay any child maintenance. He will let me claim 50% of “some” expenses every 3 months such as school uniform, school trips etc.

I don’t see the issue or what you are looking for? He gives them money and buys them stuff when he has them?? He doesn’t have her so he is giving her the money he otherwise would have?

It just seems a bit unfair that she has £100 to spend on holiday and they have nothing. But maybe I’m being unreasonable!

I’d probably raise it with him, purely because it will begin to look to the other children as though the choice is get £100 or go to dad’s.

Presumably you feel that your daughter has some right on her side if you aren’t forcing her to continue seeing dad. But unless you’re keen that the other kids make the same decision, I’d at least have a go at persuading dad to make it a bit fairer….

The answer should be he doesn’t give her money directly but to you via child maintenance- put a claim in with cms if necessary based on her being with you

You could claim child maintenance for the 13 year old, only you know if it’s worth it

Unfortunately it’s not worth the CM claim.

Why not? Is he self employed ?
you either put in a claim or just accept things as they are

Well if you claim cms then he would probably stop sending money so solves that problem?

You don't see an issue with a child being paid not to see their dad????? Wow.

As mentioned up thread, the discrepancy in him providing for their basic needs like food when he's with the other children should be made up by child maintenance payments to the op. What is effectively pocket money should be equal, or at least based on age.

It’s not paying not to see them. The kids will get things that child doesnt get because they don’t go.

So you think he should have 50/50 and pay them all 😂😂😂

Yes, self-employed running a loss making business.

It kind of is though. She's getting money to spend on what she likes and the others aren't. Think of how a child would read this situation.

Yes that’s what prompted this thread. She saw the money in her account and was excited. Everyone else were a bit bummed out as they had nothing.

And they presumably get things from him when they go to his house that she doesn’t? So she will miss out on other things.

I feel that you’re looking for an argument here. It’s his money and up to him what he does with it. It’s not completely fair but then again he probably takes the other kids on days out and those are very expensive. If your DD doesn’t want to attend, that’s hardly his problem unless there’s a huge backstory here you’re withholding.

I’m not looking for an argument. I guess I just want it to be fair to all 4 of them. I pay them the same amount of pocket money per month and try to keep things equal as much as possible.

I was only thinking about the situation based on their reactions (a little bit bummed they don’t get pocket money or “fun” money). He rarely takes them on fun days out. But yes, if they were also getting treats when they’re at his, I have no problem with it.

I just can’t imagine giving one of my children cash for a holiday without the others!

I suppose I have a lot more costs for my DD as she lives with me 100%. I pay for everything including trips out etc. I still give her the same amount of pocket money as everyone else and don’t penalise her for it!

You have missed a HUGE thing though. Yes the money he is spending on the other kids' basic needs, he should be giving to OP in maintenance, but unless all he does is sit in front of the telly with the other kids, he's probably spending far more than just on their basic needs. I bet he takes them out. Tomorrow me and my son will go out:

• Kitty Café £14
• Lunch £16
• Arcade's £10 (plus some of my son's money)

That's a total of £40 just for one day out. None of that is basic needs, it's giving him fun. We have done/will do several days of around that cost during the holiday. He's giving her fun money that he'll spend on the other kids when they are with him. That seems totally fair.

I guess in an ideal world, he would give the 4 children equal “fun” money. And then pay child maintenance to me to cover basic needs, trips out etc!

Why pay you child maintenance for the children he has 50/50 care of (I undersrand why for the one doesn't see)? And its up to you to pay for trips etc in your 50% time, as he does on his. Presumably he spends 'fun' money on 3 of his children when they are with him, so money to the 4th is to even things up. And also quite possibly because he doesn't want to lose his connection with her as she no longer stays with him.

No sorry, I meant just for the one he doesn’t see!