Need support leaving husband after repeated cheating and impact on children

[Dontknowwhattodo81]

I dont know where to start, husband and I have been together for 30 years (met very young) have children together youngest 10.

Unfortunately in our relationship he has cheated on me a lot.
5 years ago he went as far as pretending to his work friends we had split up because he was after a work colleague.
At that time he was at his dad's (the 2nd lockdown) because he just walked out and left me to it!
We have 2 disabled children one that needs a lot of supervision and support all day and night!
So I should of known there was something up and he kept it up for 18 months!
The work colleague wanted nothing to do with him in that way I found out but he told her quite nasty things about me to get her to feel sorry for him (which he has done before but not to this extent).
And just to say most of these behaviours was after the children were born.
Me being stupid forgave him (I have had a really bad childhood with abuse,foster care) and I know that I deserve better but I have no confidence.

Also we have a mortgage and I do not work due to disabled child (also has not had no schooling for 2 years, due to go to a specialist in sep for 5 hours a day).

We were on holiday with the children last week and my 18 year old were looking at her dad's Snapchat due to a message on there from her boyfriend as he was messaging her dad.
Snap chat was password protected first red flag, but that made her want to go on there more (just wanted to be nosey to what her boyfriend and her dad were chatting about).
And she found messages from her dad to another lady telling her he wanted to pin her down and do stuff to her etc.

This was on Thursday, I wasnt told until yesterday because she didnt want to ruin the holiday.

He did try to gaslight me at first but then said he cant help it! That he has a problem and then it was I dont give him enough attention (we have sex 1 to 2 times a week!) And unfortunately one I have a lot to do and two he has destroyed my trust from the last time and I was just feeling better about that.

He has literally split the family, the older children hate him, the younger ones dont know what is going on (and I am trying to protect them as much as I can) but they are angry as.can feel tension.

He went out from 12 until 2am getting drunk while I picked up the pieces again!
And he got up at 12 and just moping about.
I can not kick him out as we are both on the mortgage.

My older children have said they will help with the mortgage payments they both have ok jobs and work full time (thankfully we dont have much left and its a small amount).
But obviously its his house too so I dont know what is going to happen.

I hate him! What he has done to us all again I will never forgive or forget.
I want him gone for good this time, I dont want to spend a min longer on a men that has no respect for me or our children.

I have no one else to talk to hence why Im here really, just for some support.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Maybe get an appointment with a local solicitor to look at what options you have regarding the house etc. Your children sound amazing 🤩
You will be ok x

Im sorry, he won’t change so it’s time to be practical and get yourself some advice. Ask him to leave if he hasn’t already! That will give you some breathing space - time to look at finances and make a plan. Sounds like the older kids want to support your through this so have seen enough of his poor behaviour themselves. Everything can be worked out, that first initial step is the scariest part but trust me, 1 year from now things will be very different for you.

My children are amazing, I have not asked them for anything but they make sure im ok.

I will make sure there ok to, and I will not take him back not just for me but for them as he has affected them and I can not let him do this anymore.

He really trys to get me to feel sorry for him and im doing my best to not let him get to me as I do not want the children to have to witness us arguing but its so bloody hard as im hurting.

I am so sorry that after all the years of devotion to him and your family that it is come to this; it is hard to take such a big step. The great thing is that you know what you want now, which is honesty and respect in your home and relationships.

You will need a solicitor to take the next steps, and if you don’t have any friends to ask their acquaintances for recommendations, try to make an appointment to meet with three of them, and see which one you like best, that you feel is trustworthy.

Use an online benefits calculator to see what you can claim, and there may be a local organisation that helps people file for benefits for a low fee:

You cannot force your H to leave the family home but Social Services will likely communicate with him to pressurise him to leave to protect the family home for the children, so contact the social worker that is in charge of your child.

You know what you want, so I recommend you try to be unemotional with your H as he will twist your words and manipulate you, by the sound of things. Don’t bother discussing things with him except in as clinical a fashion as you can. “It would be better for the children if you…” and “It would be easier for the family if we did this…”. You need to preserve your energy for yourself and your children.

Try and do nice things for yourself in small ways, like a cup of herbal tea, hugs for everyone, deep breaths in the garden, etc. and recognise that this is an incredibly stressful and frightening time as you start a new life.

Congratulate yourself for taking a stand to protect yourself and your family. Remember that your H is a grown man who made his choices freely. He is not your responsibility. Good luck with everything, and things will be clearer with time and your new life unfolds.

I know what I have to do, and I will do that.
Im just feeling very alone and I dont want to put to much on my older children as there hurting to right now.
I just needed a space to talk it all through and to get some of this out.
Thank you ❤️