How do other lone parents have a life outside of being a mother?

[berryblueblueberry]

I’m genuinely curious how other mums in the same situation manage it.

I’ve been single for 10 years, no dating at all and haven’t really had a life outside of being a mum. I’d like to start getting back out there a little, but I’m also realistic enough to know that properly dating someone isn’t really practical for me. I have my children full time, no regular childcare and I’m not going to leave them with babysitters.

I do have school hours available, though, so I’ve been wondering how other full time mums manage having some adult companionship without having the usual child free evenings and weekends?

I’ve actually spoken to a few other single mums about this and quite a few of them have said they’ve gone back to people they had something casual before kids. They said that it’s easier and feels safer than starting from scratch with a complete stranger, because you’ve at least known that person before and can have them over when the kids are in bed.

I can understand the logic, but I also find it really strange. Some of the people being suggested to me are men I haven’t spoken to for 15 years! 😂 Surely if you haven’t spoken to someone for that long, you don’t really know them anymore? It feels a bit sad to me to suddenly message someone from 15 years ago just because your circumstances make meeting new people difficult. I even said to them I haven’t spoken to them in 15 years and they were still telling me
I should contact them (I won’t!) very different if it was a couple of years ago but 15 is just crazy and would look quite sad so I definitely won’t be doing that.

But apparently this is actually something quite a few women do, so maybe I’m looking at it the wrong way?

For those of you who have your children full time, what do you actually do?

And what is your views on having someone you’re seeing come to your house during school hours when the children are not there? Is that something you’d consider completely fine, given that they wouldn’t be around the children at all?

I’m not looking for a traditional relationship or anything serious, I’m realistic about my circumstances. I’m more wondering how other full time single mums manage to have some adult life and companionship when they have virtually no child free time.

Im a solo parent and haven't dated since my daughter was born 5 years ago. I'm too worried that I'll meet a nonce or a murderer.

Thanks thats good to know

I won’t be introducing anyone to my children

I’m impressed anyone has the energy tbf. I’m serious, I am absolutely worn out and have no physical or emotional room for anybody else.

Well plenty of single parents have new partners, remarry and even have more children (not for
me though 😅)

They do, but I don’t know how!

I suppose if you have very good family support and / or an ex who has then at least some of the time it’s possible.

Any reason why you simply won’t use sitters?

Are many of those solo parents? Because it's a world apart having every other weekend free in a coparenting situation.

I know of some that have but tbh they are the ones that introduce men to their kids straight away which I obviously wouldnt do

I already answered this and after seeing a post on AIBU about babysitters im actually happy with my choice and know it’s the right decision

So I’m going to step in here if I may (sorry OP!) I don’t know what her reasons are.

But I am using a babysitter on an evening next week. It’s actually just for my youngest, it will be easy for the babysitter as she’ll be in bed and either asleep or close to it (my child, not the babysitter obviously!) 630pm - 930.

That is costing me £45. Of course that’s fair; minimum wage is £12.71 p/h and this is my precious child and blah blah, but still, £45 is a hell of a lot of money and if you’re going to commit to doing something regularly it’s a huge chunk of money.

And given that for lone parents money is often an issue as even if you are getting maintenance or if you’re widowed life insurance it’s still finite or less than you would be getting with two incomes … so it’s just MONEY! And this so often and frustratingly is overlooked, like you’re just being a bit difficult in not handing over hundreds of pounds to babysitters.

Well there is a post on AIBU and the babysitter also expected her cab home to be paid for 😂

My babysitter is lovely to be fair and she wouldn’t expect that but even on a fairly good income for three hours once a week it’s nearly £200 a month. I honestly think people think ‘a babysitter’ is like a takeaway once a week, it isn’t, it’s very expensive.

Yes especially professional ones. As I said men aren’t worth it!

Sorry I haven’t chased you around mn looking at your posts about other subjects 🙄

So what are your reasons. Just for the record here on account that no one else is stalking you either!

It’s on this thread, it’s generally a good idea to read all the posts from the op before relying to a thread you can click “read all” on the main post

It’s not on another subject either it’s literally on this thread so no need for rudeness either.

Imagine the frustration of paying for a sitter and the bloke cancels just as you leave the house

She’s right; it’s not an ‘AIBU to not use a babysitter’ thread

God yes (saw that someone had this this morning.)

Or just totally unsuitable. I remember when I was dating with DH and there were a lot of frogs then. It’s just not affordable if you don’t have family willing to help or are separated from the kids dad but he still sees them regularly.

I dont date, nor do I want to, but I have lovely friends who are very happy for my DC to be present at child friendly catch ups like brunch, beach days, picnics, etc. I also craft and read and do home work outs after bedtime. Its very important to have a life outside of being a mother.

While I can understand your view that babysitters are a waste of money to go out on dates, surely they aren't to go out wtih female friends? I don't know where I'd have been without my female friends over the last 15 or so years.

So my children are older now, and don't need as much parenting - my older ones have left home in fact - and it's become clear that if you haven't set up some kind of life (I'm not talking men), you are just left with a massive hole where they used to be. so I do think it's really important to have a life outside of them.

I can and do bring my children to meet them or they come over to mine

Yes I have friends and we do things with the kids or they come over sometimes

Exactly! Ghosting is extremely common, I’d hate to spend money only to be stood up