How do I manage co-parenting tensions with my ex on this trip?

[Blublablooo]

First of all, dont tell me i shouldnt have come on this trip. I had to. So just believe me without asking me to go into details.

So, basically exh (divorced 3 years ago) and i have come back to the uk together to sort out some legal stuff. We live abroad. We took the dc with because theres no childcare and they wouldnt feel comfortable staying back without me anyways.

Exh is a narcissist. Very toxic.

Tonight they are watching the football together. I wanted to go to bed and asked if dc had brushed teeth. They said no. Exh told me to just be quiet..i said no can you make sure dc brush their teeth. They are 12 and 13 and forget if not told. Exh told me to go away and be quiet. That they are enjoying the game and im ruining it. I said i just need someone to comfirm they make sure teeth are brushed. Ds13 laughed in my face and told me to go away. I said thats not acceptable behaviour. Dc12 said i can be in charge. I said ok, so the littlest one out of the three of you is in charge then (snidy, i know). Exh got up, told me to shut up and shut the door in my face. I said that is unacceptable behaviour and went away.

Later the dc came out, brushed their teeth and told me.off for starting an argument with their dad. And told me to go and apologise. I was calm but said im not arguing.at all. And im.not apologising.

Im feeling helpless. Exh doesnt see the dc much normally. They live with me. I do everything. Including making sure they brush their teeth every day (they have braces)..And now on this trip they get to be with dad and get to side with him. It sucks.. He has already been a Dick and ive ignored it, but now ds13 and dad both ganged up on me. How do i play this? We stil have another 10 days to go.

I sat alone and sent him an email pointing out his unacceptable behaviour to make a note of it for the future. Now also wondering if i should have. Email is how we usually communicate.

I don’t think you were wrong to be pissed off but there was just no point in causing issue with him.

How to cope for the rest of the trip? Pick your battles, don’t give him the chance to goad you and undermine you.

Hold your nerve and it’ll be over soon.

I get tensions are heightened and your ex is a dick, but why the big deal about teeth brushing? They're watching the game, leave them be. One night of forgetting to brush teeth won't cause any harm. They're 12 and 13 and really should be responsible for their own teeth brushing.

The way ex and DC spoke to you was not okay though. Just get through the trip, don't make mountains out of mole hills, pick your battles and this isn't one of them.

They forget to brush a lot. And both have braces. So its important. I did let myself get a bit annoyed. I shouldnt have. But im always the one who makes sure things get done. And i have let many dickhead instances slide already today.

Honestly you picked an odd hill to die on.
They don’t see their dad often, were bonding over football.
Braces or not I don’t think your harping was appropriate given the situation.

How long is the trip? The odd night without teeth brushing isn't the end of the world, I think you could have left it rather than nagging when they're sat with dad watching the football. Pick your battles - try and get through this trip without arguing. It's horrible for the kids and it won't get you anywhere. Just grit your teeth and be cheerful with the kids tomorrow, don't hold a grudge. Your ex sounds like an arsehole but he's the arsehole you married and had kids with. It was your choice, not the kids, it's not their fault and they shouldn't be in the middle of this. Get done what needs to be done and hopefully you'll never have to spend time with him again.

I know. I should have just left it. He just had a massive rant at all of us. Made us all sit and listen how i ruined the evening and how im not his boss and never will be.

He has been looking for a reason to have an argument all day with me and he finally got it. I shoulve known better. The kids suffer. I am aware.

They were watching the football, but you kept on at them about brushing their teeth. You need to pick your battles. You could have reminded them and then just gone to bed. Of course they shouldn’t have spoken to you like that, but you did help in escalating it.

@somanychristmaslights In hindsight yes.i should have left It. He has been a Dick all day and it was one thing too many. I hate the fact nothing gets done without my input. I was just tired and wanted to go to bed and they all ignored me. I work so hard every day to make sure both dc have and do what they need to and its hard work because they are nd. Ex is a shit dad. He does no real parenting. And expects royal treatment.

can you arrange to stay somewhere else?

Sorry but I think this one is one you

your ex might be a shit but you need to step back and learn to pick your battles. Your children are not babies

Yes, i agree. The moment i stop being the bigger person and actually demand something of him he blows up. I should have known. It just gets tiring to ignore and accomodate one thing after another. I was actually scared he would get physical last night. He wouldnt stop shouting even though i said nothing back.
Things are ok now. Cant wait to get back to my own home without him in it.

You may have had to return to the UK to sort things out but you didn't have to share accommodation FGS! Whose idea was that??? I would leave and go somewhere else. You know what he's like, he's a narcissistic, abusive arsehole and that is never going to change. As for the teeth cleaning episode - could you not have put a note on the bathroom mirror or something? You do come across as rather uptight and that's like a red rag to a bull with someone like your ex.

At 12 & 13 unless severe sen there was no need to remind them to brush their teeth during a football game, in fact it comes across as trying to get one over your ex being the better parent. It’s one night they are staying up to watch, if you weren’t you should’ve just left it. Dc have to be trusted at some point and this is the age

He didn't 'make you' sit down, or make you listen to his shouting, you can choose to walk away. If you feel scared of him call the police.
It's acceptable behaviour to him, so no point in saying it's unacceptable repeatedly. Get somewhere else to stay, no need to be around him 24 hours a day for the next week.

Sorry OP but you sound like a proper nag. You're not enjoying the time with them so you have to find a way to annoy them and create tension. Why?

In the grand scheme of things, who cares if they missed one night of brushing their teeth? They probably would face done it before bed anyway.

If you can't see why you were totally in the wrong, you need to start doing some introspection because you are at risk of alienating your children if this is common behaviour.