Ending 17 year relationship - how to let go

[iloveyoubutilovememore]

It’s been one week since we had ‘that’ conversation. Together since I was 19, him 21. Two beautiful children, a house with a huge mortgage, multiple pets, many happy memories and a tonne of sh*t ones. Not in love, no affection, communication had broken down (something we were previously good at), it’s all very co-existing if I’m honest.

I would really appreciate some useful tips from anyone who’s been in a similar situation. I can’t imagine life without him, but I know this needs to happen. I’m so scared of what’s to come. I’ve not done adult life without him and I don’t even know who I am anymore. We are so tangled due to the kids and the house, so neither one of us is moving out anytime soon. I’m trying so hard to remain positive and take it one day at a time but it’s difficult. It hasn’t gotten nasty yet, although when I tried to look on his phone this morning (yes stupid I know) he had changed his passcode. I just wish instead of focusing so much on what he’s doing, I would pour that into myself!

Any words of wisdom?

No words of advice, sorry but just starting to go through the same thing, though it's a lot longer than you - 25+ years.
Stay strong.

My advice is to get out of the house and find something that you enjoy doing and do it. Start thinking about yourself and getting yourself back. Discover who you are and learn to love yourself.

Thank you both for the comments. @Feelingshotshotshot this is exactly what I want to do, just need the courage to do it and stop putting him/my kids first!

We had a big chat tonight, he said at one point ‘it will be so hard to separate and divorce you know’ then suggesting couples therapy. I just think it’s past that point now & I really want to focus on me and my needs…

I may be wrong, but I think you can couples therapy where the therapist helps you to split up amicably. If you can afford it, it might be worthwhile.

As for finding the courage, it's like anything that requires courage, you just need to take the plunge - feel the fear and do it anyway!

What sort of thing do you think you might enjoy? A sport? A craft? Amateur dramatics? A choir? Learn a language? Volunteering?

@iloveyoubutilovememore I'm going through exactly the same thing at the moment with my wife and I'm therefore watching this thread with interest. Like you, big mortgage, one beautiful daughter who has just turned 13 and to the outside world things are great. We are both very good at pretending but I don't want to anymore. There is zero affection, no love and very poor communication. The arguing at times has been horrible and our daughter has picked up on the arguments twice now. I'm worried that it is going to affect her if it carries on.

We have couples therapy in the past and it didn't work. Like you said, we are both just existing, separate beds. Every day though it gets harder and harder.
Like you we have so many memories together but they're just that, memories. My wife said to me yesterday 'but look at what we have built up together'. Now that of course is important but it's not enough. I think the problem up until now is that we have a very comfortable lifestyle that we both have a lot to lose in that sense. In a way it would be easier if we had a lot less to lose. I have started looking for places for me to move to as I really am done.

What have you got to lose with couples counselling?

Too many people give up IMO without making the effort as they are so focussed on work/kids/friends and often the partner is last and that causes resentment.

Was the case for me. Both drifted apart, there was a lot I was not happy with or her. Whether we could have made it work, who knows, I think for me it was a safety blanket having a family situation - I loved being that 2 ad 2 kid family and all the stuff that goes with it (before people think I wanted a housekeeper I did 98% of cooking, food shop and pulled my weight in other ways around house).

So while I am 'happier' now, I still miss being a family and times like Xmas are s**t.

But, to move on, my advice is to separate and move out asap. In my case it was under 10 weeks from separating to me buying her out and her moving out.

Work out where you were at fault and why, and how can you prevent or minimise those actions moving forward. Since then I have dated, done my own thing and met people I feel much better with. And most of those negative traits went!