Confused about the order of things

[Mani2024]

Help me out. I’ve done a lot of research but I’m still utterly confused about the order of navigating a divorce and financial order.

living with ex husband and two young children. Moved out end of last year but was a disaster as husband was using the kids to control the situation. Only allowed bird nesting and was forcing week on week off. He was also in a bad place financially so there was no hope for me at that time if we had progressed with divorce.

I am now back in the family home after big breakdown and ready to tackle this again but from a place of strength.

Divorce application done. 20 week cooling off ends at the end of September.

House valuations done. I have an appointment with a mortgage advisor next week to figure out whether I could afford to buy him out. I’m quite sure I do.

I have sent off for my pension CETV’s.

that’s as far as I’ve got. In terms of finances I don’t think I can put a fair offer on the table yet as I don’t know about his situation. I know he had loads of debt but he says it’s paid off now. He has sold a vehicle for quite a lot of money, he sold his business and he also got some inheritance. He has been spending money on stupid luxury items he doesn’t need. In the region of about 10k on expensive high end things from my calculations

He said he is absolutely not going to mediation or willing to go through the court process and that we just split the house 50/50. He said he’s not interested in my pensions but I know we don’t have a choice in this. He can’t buy me out and he doesn’t want me to buy him out either because he doesn’t see why I should benefit from the painting and decorating he did in the house some years ago. He is also worried the children will think it was his decision to leave if I stay in the family home.

i know we do need to do one mediation session but I have no idea at what stage and what we need to
do before mediation. I’ve downloaded a form E but not sure when to fill this out?

in terms of childcare he plans to move quite far away from the kids school because he doesn’t like the area we live in. I honestly don’t know how this will work with pick ups and drops off even with breakfast and afterschool club because he has also taken a job with unsocial hours/shift work. He says it will be fine and he wants the kids 50/50. He has suggested that if I suggest more than 50/50 it will just be because I want child maintenance which is absolutely wild!

I honestly don’t know what to do next as I don’t have the full financial picture and he can’t tell me where he’ll move to (if he ever agrees to move out which he might not) and what his work life balance will be in terms of setting up a schedule for our children. I work full time in a really high pressured role but am fortunate enough to work from home so although it can be tricky parenting with a full time job I can do it.

honestly, I just want what is best for the children and I’m not looking to make things difficult for him but I do really just want to move out of this marriage as soon as I can but totally confused about how to navigate the next bits!

suggestions?

Do you have a solicitor?

you can do it all without but if you’re not amicable or don’t have full picture of finances that makes it much harder.

50:50 is not workable if he doesn’t remain close. So just say no to that and state you can reconsider arrangements when you know where he’s living permanently

without understanding the full picture on finances its impossible to know if 50:50 on the house is fair or not.

generally
fill form a to say you want financial order
attend meditation ( if appropriate- there are exceptions)
fill form e if you don’t know finances or not amicable - if he don’t then you’ll have to go court ordered route
only submit final divorce order once finances agreed - it can take a long time if he won’t cooperate

50:50 will never happen based on his behavior you’ve described here. You need a solicitor who can help you navigate it alol, and he needs to move out asap. Anywhere just get him gone.
he sounds like a crap parent and a crap partner so you’re definitely taking the right path!!!

I’ve had a free appointment with a solicitor who was very good but she suggested I try for informal arrangements in the first instance and then failing that try for mediation. But I’m slightly confused about the process. Do we sit down and try and make a plan relating to finance and children before I book a mediation session. Or should I be getting the form E done on both sides before mediation? This all feels really unclear

So you don’t have to complete form e. And in many cases it’s almost a waste of tine as if the money is not there to support your needs then the answer is cut your cloth, however, not doing it relies on a couple of things

1. understanding what assets there are held jointly and individually by both parties

2. willingness to discuss, compromise and negotiate between you

I know many couples, myself included who have done this and divorced without form e. However, If assets are complicated, there are business valuations, you don’t know what there is, and you are not in a place to be able to discuss rationally then the bettter approach is mediation, in which you’ll be expected to produce financial disclosure and form
e. As will ex. But it still requires a level of cooperation.

You don't have to give him half your pension. If you are able to sit down together and come up with an agreement that you're both happy with then you can just take that to the solicitor who will draw it up and the court will sign it off, I think.

It sounds like childcare is going to be your bigger problem here.

If he thinks that he will have to pay you maintenance if you have the kids more than 50% of the time does that mean he has more money than you?

She doesn’t automatically have to give 50% of pension but it should be in the overall pot when accumulating assets for division and overall fairness

I’m honestly don’t know. And I don’t know the rules around child maintenance. His job pays about 10k less than me a year but I have no idea what he got in the way of inheritance recently. Obviously it’s going to be a struggle when we split financially but I only want to make a plan for the kids around what’s best for them, it’s not about child maintenance for me so I was really pissed off when he suggested this would be my primary reason for looking after the children more than 50% of the time.

he has said he absolutely will not go to mediation or court so we split the house 50/50 and he will leave my pensions alone.

He can’t not go to court if that’s the route you choose! He doesn’t get a say in that, and there are legal routes to getting financial disclosure too if he won’t comply!

i exorcise inheritance is substantial if he’s offering to leave your pension alone. But you need to know the values of all these to make informed decisions

"He can’t buy me out and he doesn’t want me to buy him out either"

So does he want to sell the house and you all move out?

Your next step is to book mediation unless exemptions apply. They will contact him and ask him to mediate. If he says yes they will tell you what documents to share in advance of mediation. If he says no, you issue an application for a financial order and the mediation company sign a form to say you tried to mediate.

The court can and will make him provide financial disclosure. Court is not optional.

Id suggest not spending money on a solicitor yet until youve done the above steps. When he has provided the info then see a solicitor about a fair offer.

If you have the children more than 50% of time he will be liable for cms. It will depend on number of children and number of nights averaged over the year

Yeah he wants to sell. Two reasons. Because he said he did so much work to the house when we moved in so why should I benefit from that and secondly he thinks the children will feel like he abandoned them if he moves and I stay. But if we sell I will be buying a house for the same value of the house we currently live in plus the children’s school is a few streets away so it doesn’t make sense for me to sell. He doesn’t want to live in the area and is planning to move about 30/45 mins away from the children’s schools

Which makes it less than ideal for the children To get to school etc How old are they ?

If you can afford to buy out whatever his share is deemed to be a court would permit and encourage that to provide stability for children.

This is my point. Six and ten.

What does he say when you point out that it's better for the children to live near their school and better if they stay (at least 50%) of the time in the house they know of as home?

He sounds very selfish to me.

Not just school but clubs and hobbies and friends too!
Just say no as it’s not in best interests of children. If he stays local you’ll rethink

I get why you're feeling confused. I was in a situation once and I know how overwhelming it felt trying to figure out what to do first.
A friend told me about Sapphire Solicitors so I contacted them. They were really helpful, in explaining everything, like mediation, financial disclosure and Form E. They told me when to deal with orders and divorce together. They also said what information I needed before making an offer, which made sense.
Every case is different. If you're stuck talking to a family solicitor might help. One chat can help you know your options and next steps better.
I hope everything goes well for you and your kids.