I hope someone can help me with their experiences and opinions.
I have married when I was quite young, I was 17 years old and he was 21. He was my first ever boyfriend and love. We were very in love and after some years qe moved out of our countries together, to a new one.
We grew up together and I studied a career, got a nice job and lesrnt to drive. He was always very supportive, and helped me a lot. Due to the languages difficulties he didnt, as he still didnt feel confident enough because of the language.
We both have similar hobbies, and we like to travel a lot together.
We laugh about the same things and about the same jokes, we understand each other sometimes even without saying anything. That been said, since the beggining of thr relationship we had differences as any other relationship, however, some things did always upset me a lot, and I always explained this but ended up accepting and forgivimg quick. Such as:
- He would always insist to have sex, a lot, he was always "in need" and I feel that this made me not feel the need as would turn me off. It came to a point where he started to have sex with me ehile I was asleep, and I woke uo to thsi in a few ocasiones, we never really discuased this as I coulsnt be bothered anymore and he wanted sex. I would have sex because I had to most of the time, not because I really wanted to as I know that this is qhay was expected from me and I know thay if I said no, it would mean an argument or an upset face from him to me. I never really felt too ezcited with him while having sex however, that was all I always knew too, so I wasnt sure if that was normal, or if I was the problem.
- If he get angry at me, dosnt matter where we where, he would leave me and walk away, and I would go after him, begging him to dont go. I wouldnt give him this soace as I used to get desesperated by him leaving. This happened many times, everywhere, also during our trips in other countries. Also happened in front of our daughter once, and he opened the car door while the car was still moving, our daughter saw it and started crying, and asking him to dont go, also, when I qas pregnant, which did upset me a lot. He would do this at home too, he would go and lock himself and atay for hours, while I (stupidly) tried alqays to calm him down and ask him to come out.
- if he was angry, he would get very explosive, and throw things at the floor, or punch the door, or treat to break things.
- He lacked of self motivation to do things, like study, or things that would help us financially in the future, such as studying for to be able to get a better job, and if I insisted he would do but then blame me for the oressure and saimy he was feeling depressed because of this.
However, since around an year ago, during any argument, he started saying thibgs such as how he didnt think we were in love anymore, that we were together just because we felt confortable with each other, and that we should split. He would then make treats of leaving back to gis country and would grab a luggage and started putting clothes inside, this happened multiple times and he qould treat me of going on trips and ataying there and use all our money. I know that he wouldnt do it, but it did really hurt me, as we have a daughter together, and made me sad the idea of him abandoning her and her suffering because of this.
On the other side, he is a lovely father, takes care of our daughter and plays with her, cook and clean the house when Im not in. We did travel the world together, and we always felt happy and that we completed each other. We also come from a poor background and got to buy our house together, a good car and have a nice decent life. He is good looking and caring, he worries if I have what I need and always buy me things, such as clothes, jewellery, etc.
However, somehow, after months of this, I think I naturally grown out of love for him. I realized I didnt miss gim anymore and I wasnt filling happy anymore with him, I also noticed that I couldnt forgive this anymore and his treats of leaving, goinf back to gis country, was always in my head. I spoke to him and he started saying how he regreted eveything, and that he didnt meant to say or do anything. He strated therapy and said that qe should try together or couples therapy. I didnt want to and never did the therapy as I felt there was nothing left to try for. After months of feeling this way, I decided to break up and separate. I took off my ring and we living in separated places. He always says how much he miss me, and he qould do anything for us to get back. He says he ia depressed and feels he has no one else, that his life is over. I tried to explain to gim at first that we needed to give soace and time to esch other, however, everytime he sees me, he ends up trying to kiss me, hug or insist in getting back together.
I sometimes wonder if I am doing riggt or wrong. I trought by living a part, we would figure it out, but I feel confused. I feel I dont love him anymore, but I also worry about him, if he has eaten, if he is doing ok, if hes safe, I also feel his smell and like it, I also like to speak to him (not as before) but I still like.
However, I dont feel I love him anymore, I deginitrly dont feel the need of having sex or kissing.
We now discussing about filling the papers for divorce, and I want it but am affraid of doing it however I feel I need to.
Some days I feel alone and sad and miss him, but I feel I miss him as a friend.
Any opinions or experiences?
Thank you