Why do kids not support me during marital separation

[Maddiemet]

I am 64 years old with grown up children . My husband has decided during the last two years he no longer feels appreciated or respected and has fallen out of love .

He has separated the marital house into two parts and I am absolutely devastated .

I was hoping that my grown up children would have some understanding how I am feeling in what I am going through. I have not had one hug to say mum we are so sorry what you are going through instead I am just being told we don’t want to get involved .and that it is not all about me . More or less I should get on with it . I can’t I am broken hearted and feel there is nothing left in my life .

if my children were more supportive it would help me more . Am I wrong thinking like this r

Your children, even as adults will be upset that their parents are divorcing.
The people you need to be getting support from are your friends not your children.

They won't want to side with either of you because they love you both.

This, sadly. Your children - even if they are adults - will be looking to you to reassure them that you’re coping okay and will get through this.

I agree they won’t want to take sides and perhaps they can see why you’ve separated but don’t want to hurt you by saying so.
You need to offload to friends or get a counsellor etc as your children- no matter their ages- are never responsible for your emotional wellbeing.
Sorry you’re so hurt and blindsided though, it must be very difficult.

I’m sorry that you are going through this but it is not your children’s responsibility to make sure that you are ok, no matter how old they are.

You need to get support from people who are not personally affected by the separation, and who aren’t also tied by love and filial loyalty to your DH,

There are a few possibilities. They either genuinely don’t want to get involved, they find you too needy and can’t deal, or they are on their dad’s side and feel you’ve treated him badly.

They don’t owe you their loyalty and support. If my parents divorced now (and I wish they would) I know who I’d feel more sympathy for and I wouldn’t countenance the other playing the victim.

Are any of you even listening? She said she hasn't even had a hug or acknowledgement!

OP, of course that isn't too much to ask.

Maybe in time they will be a bit more understanding? Are they in shock?

Sorry you're going through this. What's the long term living arrangements because that doesn't sound sustainable.
Xx

Op, this must be really hard from you. When I separated I got no family support (from my parents) really. And grown up kids should be empathetic enough even to just acknowledge that this is tough. Maybe give it a bit of time and space. Also, do you have anyone you can talk to or get support from?

OP be honest, are you putting your emotions on them? As someone who has been through nearly 3 parental divorces, when I read your post I thought they’re distancing themselves because you’re putting it on them. I had to carry a huge amount emotionally from my parents, it broke me, when it started happening the 3rd time I completely retreated, haven’t seen my dad since Christmas. I’m not doing it again.

You need to find someone else who can support you.

Maybe they are thinking, ‘about time too’. If they’ve grown up around constant tension, they won’t see this as the tragedy you see.

But whatever the reason, it seems you can’t rely on their emotional support. You can’t force it so you need to look elsewhere. Have you been for counselling?

Thinking of my mum, so perhaps not at all relevant to you- she always relied on other people to manage her feelings, she didn’t learn to do it herself. She made no effort to self regulate.
That meant she was demanding and needy and could be downright unpleasant, because she thought it was ok to inflict every passing feeling on her family.

I agree that children aren't really the ones you should be looking for support from. They are dealing with their own distress, and conflicted loyalties.

It's also possible that your relationship with your ex was never great and impacted them so that they are, on som elevel, relieved you are separated now.

Your children are the only people who should not be offering support. They are both of yours children and their parents are separating. They should not be expected to take sides. You should be turning to your family and friends not your children.

It’s not reasonable to expect your children to take sides in their parents’ separation or to listen to either parent talking negatively about the other.

If it was some other type of difficulty you were going through then I’m sure they would be supportive, but you must understand that it’s not OK to expect your children to listen to you talking about how awful their father is. Which is essentially what you would be doing.

Are you actually getting divorced or has your DH decided that you are living separate lives under one roof?

What are your plans and what actions have you taken for your future life? Have you had legal advice, financial advice - sought professional emotional support?

I would prioritise your own foundational
emotional strength - seek whatever you need to build this for this transition.

Then I would focus on building solid new connections with my adult children. Someone holding it together, with plans for the future and a positive disposition is much more ‘attractive’ to hang out with and be friends with - invest in your relationships with your DC this way. Keep it light and breezy, don’t be dramatic, divisive or needy - discharge and process those feelings elsewhere.

They most likely need your direction as to how their family life will reformulate after this breakdown - will it be the weeping, wailing, victim mum and hostile parents - or will they see two individuals who pushed through a very challenging time with dignity to enjoy a more fulfilling next chapter in their life.

I am sorry you are going through this - I hope you have agency in your own life? If your DH is controlling or abusive please reach out to DA charities for support at this difficult time.

So they sound like they too are finding this really difficult.

I am sorry you’re going through this. Sorry for them too.

I would lean on friends or a therapist more. I wouldn’t discuss it with your children unless they ask.

You might find in the future they’re happier to discuss it.

I think they could be warmer and more loving towards you though. Except we don’t know what your relationship with them looks like.

Sorry you're upset, as PPs have said, it is never the responsibility of a child of any age to emotionally support a parent.

The fact they said they don't want to take sides, and that it's not all about you, shows you might have been upsetting your kids. You need to plan your future, build your confidence, and find support of your own.

This OP. I’m sorry you are struggling but this is not something your children should be your support with at all.

i had this. Mine were the same despite knowing I was faithful through the marriage and he wasn’t. I was bashing my head relentlessly against a brick wall. The people who saw and were closest to me didn’t seem to understand. Made me feel like I was going mad that they couldn’t see what he did. It is common sense for them not to get involved but it’s very hard when you’re in the situation. Just do your best to respect their distance. It will come on time. I have a wonderful support network of people now. Sending love. It’s hard.

I think we over estimate how much people care about others’ marriages and relationships.

Most people couldn’t care less.

As a child of divorce, i think YABU.

It is quite possible they don’t want to get involved or made to feel they should take sides or be stuck in the middle of you and exH. Keep them out of it.

It’s not your children’s job to be your emotional support, no matter how old they are.

It could also be the case that they’re not on your side and so would rather be there for their dad.

Honestly, this. Most people just aren’t interested in other people’s relationships and aren’t fussed about taking sides or hearing all the details.

Sorry. You do need lots of support, but the burden shouldn’t be on children to provide it ever. It’s on your friends and family

It's really sad OP, but can you start to concentrate on moving on? Your husband has made his decision. Has he filed for divorce yet? If not you should do so. You can't carry on living in the same house waiting for him to make decisions.

Your children may be really sad that their parents marriage is ending, are you remebering that they will be deeply affected by this too?

I hope you can find the help and support you need with the pratical and emotional stuff. Maybe start a thread on Mumsnet?

If you had broken your leg I am sure your children would be doing everything they could to help - but this is a very complex issue for them, they won't want to be seen to be taking sides, they are also processing their own pain. I'm a child of divorce and I remember the 'balancing act' very well. Regardless of who left who or the reason for the split, they still have two parents that they love and they need to deal with their own feelings and not be responsible for anyone else's.

Please lean on good friends instead - they will be able to objectively support you - but not on children who are the collateral damage in this, no matter their age or where they are in life. Or lean on us on here - you'll get plenty of sympathy and good advice if you start a thread on how to move forward and deal with your feelings. I wish you well.