How can I stop panicking about ex's reactions?

[ikeepforgetting]

I'm so very close to being divorced after over two years. The draft consent order has been with a judge for 5 weeks so it could be any day now (as long as it is approved of course). But timing wise, there needs to be a new mortgage agreed and the car needs to be sold and split and ex will not respond to emails about this.

What he will respond to is a message I send about paying towards a concert ticket where he blew up and called me names and insulted me. This hasn't happened for a while so something has riled him up.

I know all this stuff is finite and will be sorted soon, but I just get so stressed and panicked when he does this, like he still holds far too much in his hands. How can I disengage from worrying about his reactions or his insults? I can usually do grey rock but then an avalanche will hit me and I just feel nauseous. DC are older teens so have their own contact with him so ideally I want the most limited amount of contact possible!

That sounds awfully stressful. I think once you have the consent order approved you will feel in so much more control. I assume on it details the car that is to be sold. It says on the consent order approval that you must adhere to the consent order or you face tough penalties. Hopefully that will make him see sense and just get on with it. I hope it comes through quickly as you have had a long wait. Mine came back in a week.

It came through yesterday and i burst out crying and have felt really emotional since. I feel finally free from his controlling behaviour. I have been treading on eggshells until it was sealed. I have even put off joining a gym as i didnt want to annoy him (he is controlling about me working out if he is not in a gym rat phase). Now he cant do anything. I am counting down the days to final order.

You are nearly there, just hang in there and remember his power is going to get smaller and smaller so just let the bad behaviour be a reminder why you are doing the right thing.

You are nearly there. So just hold tight and keep in mind that you’ll soon be free. Focus on the immediate practicalities, and carry on with what you are doing with grey rock.

I can really identify with this. I don't understand why i still worry about what ex dh will do say or think. He loses his temper easily and because our settlement isn't final I feel i can't rock the boat. Plus I hate the kids (also teens) being potentially in the middle of anything. Obviously I do my utmost to shield them from issues but they're old enough to notice. Last year he took the kids away for a few days and I realised it was the most relaxed I'd been in months as there was no way he could turn up or see what I was up to

I don't know the answer but know how you feel. It has taken me over 4 yrs to get divorced (with 5 yrs of seperation prior ....) the sole reason, is my extreme anxiety about his reactions. I am in a muchmuch better place with it now though and laughed at his recent diatribe. You will get there.

Thanks everyone, it's horrible though that you have the same anxiety. I do hope that with the final divorce I can breathe a little. It just adds to the pile of worry over money, kids, ageing parents, etc etc. I am also so cross with myself for allowing it to happen, like every time I crumple is a win for him. Think I'll gather the pennies and go back to therapy!

Congratulations @lostntranslation - I'm sure I will cry with relief too! Enjoy the gym x

So an update, consent order is approved. I feel relieved that it is nearly over and that I don't need to worry about him pulling his agreement on finances. Now I want to reset and strengthen boundaries. He calls to the house (doesn't come in, his only concession) to see DC, mainly because they generally aren't bothered about going anywhere with him.

But I hate it and it puts me on edge before during and after his visit. The house is It is jointly owned and will be sold in 2028 when youngest is finished school. The consent order givens me sole occupation to the exclusion of him.

Any tips on how to manage that one? He will go crazy and accuse me of blocking contact. Which I am not of course, I just don't want him disrupting me any more, and am fed up with putting up with this stuff to keep the peace for everyone else. They are all more than capable of meeting in the pub round the corner, the many cafes and parks minutes away.

What I find helps is getting absolute clarity around your legal position, coming up with a short, clear, polite assertion of where you stand and sticking to it.

Yes, there’s a good chance he will lose his shit when you stand up to him but having solid confidence in your position and the integrity of your own behaviour really helps the tantrums and insults just bounce off.

In this case, you’d want to establish with a lawyer whether or not he has a right to insist on meeting at your house and if not, what the next step for you would be in the event he tries to insist on meeting there. Then you can confidently set a clear new boundary.

Of course you might find he does have a right to insist on meeting there, in which case at least you know what you’re dealing with and that rather than setting a boundary that can’t be enforced, come up with a strategy for managing your stress before and after visits.

This might be an internal boundary rather than an external one, like for example “Once he leaves with the kids I’m not going to ruminate on him and his behaviour. I’m going to immediately go for a run to work off anxiety, or call a friend and talk about something that’s not him, or watch an episode of my favourite show or distract myself in some other way.”

Thank you @CamillaMcCauley , excellent advice!

@ikeepforgetting Its likely I am going to have to het the court to enforce the consent order. Hes hanging on for grim death atm. But I will do it and then the house will be mine alone and i can stop him at the door.

Unfortunately I still feel this way years later - it was years of modifying my behaviour which has taken a long time to realise was still in place… I’m starting to recognise this and taking steps to dis engage from that way of thinking but it’s hard