Safety First - Leave or Stay in marital home

[Zen81]

I’m planning on leaving husband of 20yrs. I’ve been in therapy to come to terms that it’s over and I’ve been living with a egomaniac/covert narcissist (though not diagnosed). My nerves are shot from years of psychological abuse which I was made to believe was normal behaviour on his part.

Cutting it short I suddenly felt a pang of panic when I read an article about a how a husband killed his wife just because she asked for a divorce. He had no previous violent convictions, but came from a very troubled childhood - much like my stbxh. It stayed with me and i couldn’t shake the heavy feeling in my core. He’s had explosive anger outbursts but has never been physically violent toward me or our dd.

I’m waiting for dd to sit her 11+exams in Sept before I start the divorce proceedings. I was hoping to do this with minimal conflict and a fair 50/50 split. But knowing that he could possibly flip, I’m concerned for my and dd’s safety. Both my mum and sister have said they are concerned and that he could lose his shit (he’s had anger outbursts with both of them).

My guess is if I take dd to parents for safety and do everything via solicitors he will react very badly. I want to try the amicable fair split and stay in our current house to minimise conflict but I’ve been told I’m being naive. His mum was schizophrenic (clinically diagnosed) and he has spent most of his life around such an environment.

Has anyone had a similar experience - did you stay in your home or move out for safety? Am I being dramatic and hyper vigilant?

I don't think you are being over dramatic at all. I'm in a similarish position, have been preparing for several years to drop the bombshell that I want a divorce and trying to work out how to do it and survive is part of what is taking me so long.

As part of my preparation, I thought about how I could move into the spare room and how we could co-exist in the same house as we jointly own it. My husband has not been overtly violent towards me, his habit is more covertly doing things like hitting me accidentally on purpose with garden centre shopping trollies and never saying sorry, even when he's really hurt me. But I worry that he is super manipulative and I began to worry that if I moved into the spare room, he might come in in the night and put a pillow over my face. And whether he succeeded in killing me or not, he would then lie about it and say he hadn't done it or didn't remember doing it, and he might get away with that because he is super charming and manipulative. So I started preparing by doing things like putting a heavy ornament next to the bed in the spare room and a Maglite torch in the wardrobe so I could defend myself if I had to.

Then I thought "What the fuck am I doing? Obviously I have to move out covertly and then tell him afterwards, my safety and preserving my life come first". So that's what I'm going to do. I will either go to my Mum's or rent a place and go there, even though husband and I both own the house that I will be leaving. I mean there is the risk he might smash the place up, I expect he will be difficult about selling it and anything I leave behind will be destroyed or thrown out of the windows, but all these things I can deal with. At least, I can deal with them if I'm still alive which is the primary objective. Nobody would ever believe I am thinking this about my very charming husband I don't think, so if your Mum and your sister are already concerned, I would listen to them and your gut which is obviously telling you to proceed with great caution and care for yourself and your child.

I would advise going to your parents with your daughter with everything essential you need including paperwork/passports before speaking to your husband about separating. And don’t go to the house unaccompanied, always go with someone.

I was in a sort of similar position- but no children, just precious dog, and it got to the point where my ex threatened me with violence. I left the next morning and had to have the discussions re divorce by email/text from parents house for safety.

Don’t risk it.

I would always advise erring on the side of caution in these situations.

Take what you need and get you and your child safe before you start. So what if he “reacts very badly”? You’re divorcing him already, as long as you are safe and never go back on your own let him be angry.

Thanks for sharing @BedSlug

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through something similar. Hope you don’t mind me asking, do you have any children? If so how do you plan on protecting them?

i already sleep in the spare room and have been for almost 2yrs. I now lock the door at night, but unlock it early hours when I go to the loo as my dd likes to come in and snuggle up.

I will definitely be getting solicitors involved, apparently they can put something in place to stop them (stbxh’s) from trashing the joint property else damages come out of their share of the sale.

So much research to do - I feel overwhelmed.

How have you lasted a few years of knowing , under the same roof? I’ve known since Jan when he lost his job AGAIN (frequent occurrence). I am going out of my mind knowing I have to wait for dd’s sake. Can’t stand being around him. I grey rock, a technique I learnt from my therapist. I feel like I’m trapped in a psychological horror movie.

@CannaeBelieveIt@Jellybunny98Thank you both for taking the time to respond. I have been quite naive and hoping for a peaceful outcome, but I guess I need to let go of that fantasy. Dd is quite protective over her dad and feels she needs to side with him and I can also see how scared she gets from time to time. His volatile moods have made us always watch our P’s & Q’s. I barely talk with him since Jan. I’m fortunate to have a spare room that I moved into a while back.

How do women untangle from such messy relationships!? I applaud those who made it out.

Hi there,
I am a little further along in a similar situation, here are a few things that helped me:

• inform close friends and family of your plan to tell him, with the date and approx time. Set up a WhatsApp group so you can quickly reach out for help if needed. Agree an escalation process with one key family member (I.e. if you havent heard from me by 10am, come to the house) *discuss your situation with a support organisation: i used https://idas.org.uk/ they offered me good advise, kept a record of our conversation, did a risk analysis and knew my plans regarding date of telling him. They followed up with me after *tell your GP; this gets your concerns on record and they can offer support too *remove keepsakes and take photos of important documents from the house beforehand. Take photos of all rooms in the house so if he trashes them you have before and after evidence *pick a date and time to tell him its over that will minimise the likelihood of immediate escalation, and / or that allows you an escape route. I chose 8am on a saturday morning (teenagers in bed) Agree an escape route with a friend / family member (I.e. have a key to their house and a bag with spare medicines and clothes for you and your daughter at their place) *practice how you will tell them. This is the hardest part and probably warrants a whole other reply. Key things for me was that I was clear that my decision was final and my family was aware. This indicated that people would be watching out for any escalation

I am 7 months on from the conversation and due to move out with kids in about 4 weeks. We have been cohabiting (separate rooms) as abuse since then has been minimal (occasional verbal) and staying has been less disruptive for kids and finance.
On nights when he is drinking i set my phone to record and push something against my door. So far he hasn't done anything but I live in constant high alert. The end is in sight though.....
Wishing you lots of strength

I am going throught it to

I arranged a rental in secret, for me and the children to move into and I was going to inform him after we had left. Unfortunately, one week before the tenancy started there were awful nights, leading to his arrest.Looking back now, I couldn't have got into that tenancy sooner, and it was bang in the middle of exams.But I should have left earlier, I should have reached out and told people what was going on.Don't wait for the perfect moment, just get out and have people with you when you do, for protection.

@GetToThePunchline@Yellow456 @stormwatcher

I’m so sorry you’ve all gone through/ are going through similar experiences. It’s so sad these men can treat women like shit and basically get away with it. Why does it seem so prevalent? I feel so ashamed and naive, but now that my eyes are wide open, there’s no shutting them.

thank you all for sharing.

@GetToThePunchline
thanks for the useful advise. I will look up the IDAS or similar as I’m based in the Southeast.

@stormwatcher sorry to jump on but can I ask what your housing situation was before you left, were you on a mortgage or renting?